How to explain to a toddler

[mrsdoublebarrel]

DM is in final stages of brain tumour.
Approx 6 weeks left now.
DC1 (2) hasn't seen her for about a month now in person due to a variety of reasons (care home closure due to infection risk, hospital stays, being at nursery when I visited her). He has seen her on FaceTime occasionally too.

My question is, should I up contact or is this too confusing? He does occasionally ask for her , she isn't the same person as she was as in limited mobility, bad memory etc.
He is really behaving badly at the moment and I think it could be triggered by this.

Bump

He's 2. Aside from you wanting him to see his GM and maybe your GM wanting to see him, what is the benefit to him?

And even if he should retain any memories of her - which is highly unlikely - would you want him to see her as she is now?

If I were you I would focus on looking at some photos. And really, he's too young for you to be trying to explain death to him.

I think this is more about you than it is him. But have some as this is obviously a very difficult and upsetting time for you. Leave your DS out of it.

Personally I would leave DS out of it as it can be a very traumatic time for all involved.
My gran (mum's mum) died in April 2017 and we weren't allowed to see her in the hospital as she took downhill so fast it was scary - and I was 34 at the time so no way would I let my daughter see that.

Continue with FT and then if he asks the explain in a way for closure.

I am sorry about your mum.

I actually don't really want him to see her but am getting a lot of pressure from my grandparents to take him to visit her.
I feel this doesn't help at all as he is reminded of her but then she disappears again and again!'

I'm taking the baby in to see her if I can but I don't like
To because of infection.

No requirement to give in to pressure from others - you are the only person acting with your sons interests as the very top priority. That's not to say others don't care about him, but they have other considerations to take into account, and it's not their job to consider him as the centre of everything.

If YOU wanted, could you pop in with him for 2 mins while she was fast asleep so he could stroke her hand and say night night or something?

It sounds dreadfully hard for you

Sorry you are going through this
My mum passed away with a brain tumour several yrs ago and although she was confused she got benifit from seeing people so tbh I would take him to see her if it will benifit her.

Your toddler won't remember either way (unfortunately), and later on when you are ready you can show your children photos and talk about your mum and all the things she taught you so you could teach them, the hugs she gave you to pass on to them and how much she cared about them. That will be the memory they have in the future.

Slightly buckling the trend here, my toddler DNs visited my mum when she was very poorly just before she died. It brought her a lot of comfort and it was nice for us to see them with her. I have some good memories and photos.

I don't think they were especially aware of the changes in her in the way adults are and accepted the general explanation that "nana is poorly" and carried on pottering round the hospital room with toys and books.

Obviously a lot depends on your DS' level of understanding, the actual state of your mum's health (any medical equipment, how child friendly her room is etc)

Also this is a terrible time for you so do think about whether him being there is going to feel stressful or divert attention away from the last times you have with your DM.

His behaviour change could be in response to your distress, changes in routine or just a developmental thing that has coincidentally happened now, Or a combination. You might find it useful to access Cruze bereavement resources (these are free online) which explains how children of different ages often understand and respond to bereavement. They also might help you identify any behaviors you think are linked.

I don't think anyone will be able to give you a definitive answer as to whether more or less contact is better for him. There's unlikely to be a straightforward correlation. You could try it and see or just do whatever your gut instinct is as that's likely to be what makes this more manageable for you.

I am so sorry that you are going through this

He’s behaving badly because he senses that you’re not happy and doesn’t understand why.
I wouldn’t take a two year old to visit a dying relative. Its a funny age.
I took my DC to see my Nan when she was in hospital two days before she died but they were 8, 13 months and 4weeks. The oldest wanted to see her and the babies were taken for Nan’s benefit. She loved seeing them.
It’s your decision OP. Do what’s best for you and your DC and don’t be persuaded to go against your instincts.

I'd probably take him in if your DM wanted to see him.

Sorry, x post and missed the update. If your instinct say don't take him, then don't.
This is a very difficult time for you and you need to be kind to yourself. As others have said it is unlikely he will remember but you can build those memories in other ways.

This is the cruse link: www.cruse.org.uk/children

There are some resources there for adults too

The baby is just 12 weeks so that's no problem but the toddler is just into everything , running about , touching stuff. It's so bloody hard.

Thank you PP for Cruse links.

Definitely agree with that @Masonbee , I have been away from them with my mum a lot and when I am actually with them the toddler plays up so I just want to distance myself again.