How to say goodbye

[BroomHandledMouser]

My beautiful brave nanny is dying of cancer.

The doctors came in last night and estimate she has around a week, and she has started to 'actively die'

She conscious just about, is quite coherent and comfortable so it's been suggested that we need to start saying goodbye.

What on earth do I say? How on earth do I keep it together?

I’m sorry to hear this, it’s so terribly sad to be in this position. When my dad (72) was dying I used to just sit by his bed and play music. I used to talk about memories I had, good memories, funny ones and when he was more awake would ask him questions about his life, his childhood. It was actually a really precious time that I had with him.
I cried a lot but I don’t think he really noticed the tears rolling down my face. I made sure I told him how loved he was and held his hand. He liked having that physical contact despite never being a particularly touchy person.
You will somehow find a way I think x

I’m so sorry to hear this. I think however you need to think about what is comforting to the person who is dying, not necessarily to you. When my mum was dying (quite sudden, not peacefully really) people started to talk in a way that would make them feel better, but if I was dying, would probably make me think about dying and make it seem scary if that makes sense.
So for example Bob would say in a panicky, upset voice “i’m going to miss you so much, what will I do without you, I can’t believe you are dying, I love you so much”.
It was all about Bob. Instead, when I spoke to my mum in comforting tones, chatted about every day things but still slipped in about how much I loved her, she would visibly relax.
Hope this makes sense, you sound like a lovely grand child and I hope she passes peacefully.

I am so sorry to hear that. My grandma died before Christmas. It was different to you as she had advanced dementia so couldn't really speak or understand but, as a family, we sat with her, kept her comfortable, talked abo

Sorry posted too soon. Talked about memories and told her we loved her. We did cry quite frequently over the days. It's so hard.

When my nan was dying me and my family spent time sitting with her, just talking about normal things-memories, my kids, life. We weren't afraid to have some silence which made my nan seem more comfortable. My nan had dementia and was dying from leukaemia so she was quite confused but we kept everything calm and as comfortable as possible. It was a desperately sad time but also a precious one. I'm grateful for the time I got to spend with her before she died.

Wishing you strength

Op, can you speak with the palliative care team to find out what medications they are planning? If she is in pain they will concentrate on keeping her comfortable, and that might mean she drifts out of consciousness. With my DP, the last 36 hours they were not awake and unaware of anyone's presence, if people want to talk with your nanny they may need to do it sooner than expected.

I hope this doesn't sound too 'clinical', but I know several friends were upset that they couldn't have a last conversation.

I just said Thankyou and told her she was loved and always would be ❤️.

For you op

For most people who are dying, the last conversation they want to have is one exactly like all the other conversations they ever had...like 'what did you have for tea? Oh that sounds nice love'. So maybe a 'see you later, love you' would be just fine. Having had a close relative die, in that instance he didn't want any last conversations he wanted to just have a day as ordinary as any other.

Thank you so much for your help and suggestions.

I went to her last night. It just was me and her - and it was quiet and peaceful. I told her I loved her with all my heart, she said she loves me to and that I'm to never ever change.

We spoke about my children, and about what I'd been doing that day. I asked if she was comfy and snug and she said she'd never felt so warm and cosy.

She said to me she could do with a vodka and tonic

I've never been through this before and I didn't know what to say or do, but I came so naturally and I thank god I got to have one last conversation with her.

This morning she is unconscious now and not expected to open her eyes much more.

Love the vodka and tonic: o

So good you were happy with your last conversation with her, such a privilege to be with someone near the end, so healing to one's own grief to feel the right and comfort-able thing was done.

, Broom

Broom that all sounds perfect. I sat with my dad on and off for 2 weeks until he passed away at home on weds morning . I said all the things i wanted to say and asked about his life and shared memories of our lives etc. At the end i thanked him for being my dad and told him he could let go and that i loved him. It was so hard but i hope in time these things will comfort me. Sending you strength for the days ahead x

to you broom

Thanks everyone

My beautiful brave nana passed away last Monday surrounded by her family. She was loved right until the end.

I was, according to mum, the last person to hold a conversation with her. I feel so privileged to have been there right at that moment in time.

I read somewhere or other that a good death was one where the bereaved felt satisfied that all that could be done was so, the comfort to them of their last day with the loved. This is our best hope, and I'm glad you feel it.

Many to you, Broom.

I'll hoist a and tonic in my case, to your nana's splendid wish.

Sending condolenses broom x