Talking to my mother

[BogstandardBelle]

We are visiting my parents for Christmas. I was in the spare room / office wrapping presents on Christmas Eve and while moving some papers to clear a space, I found a brochure from the local hospital about Radiotherapy for the Breast, withinfo about how to get there, what to expect etc.

I’m jumping to all sorts of conclusions, mainly that my mum is having treatment (now or in the past) for breast cancer. Neither she nor my dad have said anything to my sister or me.

I don’t know if I should ask them / her outright about this. We have a okay relationship, I think. I live in France, them in the U.K., so we aren’t in and out of each other’s houses every other day, but we see them for extended periods of time at least three times a year. So we aren’t in the habit of chatting casually I guess. She’s 71 and I’m 45. She has definitely slowed up a bit, and seems more tired than usual - but that might be down to hosting, cooking, grandchildren etc.

A few years ago she had a friend who died of cancer, and who didn’t tell her son until she had only a short time left. My mum was totally on her side, and felt she had every right to do it that way. She and my dad definitely feel that - no matter what age we are - they are the parents and we are the children, and that we should rely on them rather than the other way round!

So I don’t know if I should broach this with her, or my dad. I’ve given him a couple of opportunities to bring it up and he hasn’t. With all the people around (8-12 of us here just now) it’s hard to get any time alone with her, and TBH I’ve wimped out of a couple of opportunities to talk to her alone. I might be totally wrong, she could have the brochures for another reason, or they might be old. I just feel so undecided about forcing her hand, so to speak, if she is undergoing treatment and she wants to keep it to herself. But I can’t un- see the brochures, and I’m worried sick.

My dad was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer in the summer. There was a series of tests and things that were going on before he told us “it might be serious”.

At first I wish they’d told us straight away but I now realized they needed time to get their heads around things. And that when the diagnosis and prognosis came through it near on broke his heart to tell us (my brother was living in Oz, me in Switzerland).

As much as it feels like it’s all happening to us as a family, it’s really just happening to him. I can’t imagine how scary and lonely that must be but the only thing I can do I support whatever choices he makes. If he’d chosen to shield us from it I would find it incredibly difficult as I’m someone who has to deal with facts and info. But I guess I would need to try to respect however he’d decided to deal with it.

I really hope it’s nothing serious with your mum. I would need to just ask her but I appreciate not everyone is quite so at ease with straight up talking.....

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I've done a little more digging, and it appears that she's already had treatment, in November. I can only assume that they are waiting to see what happens now, and if it's been treated successfully they probably won't even tell us.

Oh blimey.

Well I guess I’d try to think positively and think that it’s all been very manageable, physically and emotionally, so they haven’t wanted to worry you.

I know my dad finds talking about it exhausting and doesn’t want his I’ll ess to be the only topic of conversation. So maybe it’s your mums way of keeping things normal as if you ‘don’t know’ you wouldn’t be asking.

Tough for you though to not know the full picture

If there is more to tell, good or bad, she may feel differently. No one really knows how to handle this shitness until it happens.....

Best wishes