Coping with cancer and children

[Crispsareafoodgroup]

My DH was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks ago (bowel and liver). We just found out yesterday that it is terminal and are devastated.
We have two children aged 7 and 10. How do you keep it together for your children when you just feel broken?
They know he has cancer but no more. They seem to have coped with that but how can such small children deal with what's coming when I'm not sure I can deal with it?
When I go outside it seems so bizarre that things are carrying on as normal + people are going about their daily lives.
Anyone else been through or going through similar? It just feels like hell at the moment.

I am so sorry to hear this. I'm afraid I don't have any advice to offer you but I didn't want to read and run. I cannot begin to understand what you are going through at the moment. I am sure someone will post very soon offering you some advice.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Anyone who can help here? OP - I also remember leaving the hospital after my DM had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I looked at people shopping and laughing, and I just felt like screaming at them "how dare you be happy - my mom has got cancer!!!!" It's almost surreal and it feels like a bad dream. It is difficult but try to take things day by day.

For you and your lovely family

Hi Crisp. I have posted before about this but my lovely DH was diagnosed with bowel cancer with mets in liver and lungs last year. First off, he's still here and doing well. Secondly, we were honest with the DCs when we had confirmation as we figured they would pick up that something wrong anyway. Having said that, language needs to be age appropriate. McMillans do a useful booklet on how to tell the children and it is also on their website at www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/talking-about-cancer/talking-to-children/advice-on-talking-to-children-about-cancer.html. My last bit of advice is to be kind to yourself.

I'm sorry to hear of your news. I've nothing to add really, except you are not alone. My DH was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in December. We also have two young children of 3 and 7.

Unfortunately there's not much traffic here. If you haven't been there the Macmillan forums have been of great support and help.

Much love to you all

Hi OP, sorry to hear your news. Definitely take a look at the Macmillan site. You may also find that your GP can signpost you to local organisations for support for you and the children.

My DSis was 8 when my DM was diagnosed with cancer, 10 when we found out it was terminal, and 13 when she died. My mum's approach was to keep DSis one stage behind everything that was happening. So when she was first diagnosed she was told that DM had to have an operation and would need special medicine. When we found out it was terminal she was told the doctors hadn't been able to make it better, but the medicine was still working. When chemo stopped being effective my mum began to gently prepare her for the fact that the medicine had stopped working, that her body was getting very tired, and that she wouldn't be getting better. So an honest approach, but not overwhelming.

Of course, each cancer experience, and each child, is different. But this definitely worked well for my family.

Best wishes to you all and I hope your DH responds well to treatment.

Thanks for the kind replies.

Sorry I forgot to say thanks for sharing your experiences and I'm so sorry you are going through/ have been through this awful experience.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's incredibly early days for you - there's no immediate rush to tell the children anything, so wait until you've at least started to get your head around it (I do realise this isn't the sort of thing you ever really get your head around). Winston's Wish is a really useful charity for bereaved children and they have a telephone helpline - they would have advice about how/when to tell.

Crisps, I am unfortunately in the same situation as your DH. Do pls PM me (can't work out how to do it on my app!) - not saying I can help much but I found out in October so have had some time to try and get used to it at least.
My DC are 9 & 6
Wishing you lots of love x

Oh Crisps I'm really sorry to read this.

My two were 13 & 10 when my DH (not their dad but we'd all lived together for while) was diagnosed last year.
Initially we didn't say anything - it had all been very quick from 1st symptoms to initial diagnosis of the primary tumour, he then had further scans and tests and we were told it was inoperable with a 12 month prognosis.

At that stage I told both boys, separately, that he had cancer and that it was inoperable. My 10yo accepted that and my 13yo questioned what it meant - so I explained further based on the information we had.

We continued to talk about how he was, his illness and his treatment but ds2 never really questioned what the ultimate outcome would be.

DH had chemo and responded well and had an improved 2-4 year prognosis last September, but then went downhill and after lung mets were found in January they said a 3-6 month timescale. At this stage I discussed the situation further with the boys (obviously they'd seen him going through the chemo, and then radiotherapy, and basically becoming more unwell).

DH died in March and for the most part they are taking things in their stride.

I fell apart last summer, and had some sessions with the pychologist at Maggie's, I'm not sure how much it helped - I think the main thing was time in coming to terms with the situation.

It's such a massive thing, and it does consume your life. Try to be kind to yourself, you need your strength as well.

[Willowkins I'm glad he's doing well].

Hi crisps. I'm so very sorry you are gong through this.

My children were similar age to yours and also older when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. We didn't know it was terminal until three months into treatment, and he died three months after that. So we didn't have very long. It was incredibly hard dividing my time and my emotions between DH, who was in hospital an hour's drive away for most of that time, and the children at home. But having to be strong and keep the show on the road for them also kept me from collapsing altogether.

Do get in touch with Winston's Wish, or your local equivalent. Your GP should be able to help with this. In my experience there is a lot of support available for families in your situation. They will be able to help you work out what to say when. Don't feel you have to tell them everything all at once. But be ready to answer difficult questions honestly if you possibly can. Children are good at picking up on subtle things and will worry more if you appear to be keeping secrets from them. My youngest DC asked the big questions that you might expect but was satisfied with short answers; I think she knew what dying meant on one level, but on another level it's taken her several years to process it.

There's nothing that I can say that will make what your family is going through any better. Cancer is a complete monster, and losing your husband/dad to it is truly horrendous. But we are a couple of years into life without DH, and although we miss him as much as ever, the children have had fantastic support - school, counsellors etc - and are doing really well. Nothing can take away the fact that they've lost their amazing dad, but if I can offer you just a tiny crumb of hope, you and your DC will survive this.

Sending you and your DH loads of love and best wishes.

MY DH was diagnosed with cancer around the time with your DH so I can understand how you are feeling now, but we are clueless for what cancer he is having as he has cancer of unknown primary but it already mets to his brain, bones and lymph nodes...DH has a very strong will at the moment but it hurts a lot and a lot whenever I see him struggling in pain. He is very skinny now and needs a lot of meds throughout the day

Many thanks for taking the time to reply. Not sure if anyone will check back in as I haven't posted for a while.

I seem to alternate between being horrified and sad but able to keep it together (mostly). But sometimes the fact that this is really happening - the person I have shared everything with for 20 years will be gone soon and my kids won't be able to see their dad - hits me in the heart/throat at unexpected times. The unfairness of it all - it seems so wrong.

I can't begin to comprehend how DH is coping with it. How do you deal with the fact that you won't see your kids do so many important things? It's just so so cruel.

DH starts chemotherapy next week to try to extend the time he has left. I'm praying that it will work and not be too awful. The kids seem to be coping ok at the moment- some sleep issues and separation anxiety from the 7 year old but I suppose that is to be expected.

So that's where we are. No idea how to insert flowers icon but wishing you all lots of strength & some smiles.

Crisps I hope the chemo goes as well as it can.
My DH found he felt jetlagged for a day, then okay for another day or two and then totally zonked for a couple of days. His chemo day was Tuesday's and he basically just slept the whole weekend and woke up the following Monday ready for life again.

It's a totally unreal thing to get your head round, and in reality nothing prepares you for afterwards anyway.
I'm nearly 6 months down the line from his death and if I actually think about it - as opposed to getting on with life in the best way I can - it just poleaxes me.

Hugs xx

Still here Crisps

I'm still here too. I'm no use whatsoever. But I'm here.