Dads dying and refusing visitors.Distressing to hear he is getting angry at Mum and sis.

[whatisforteamum]

Df was admitted to hospital 2 weeks ago.He went in for radiotherapy on his spine and treatment on his swollen legs.It was discovered he had a DVT too as well as the cancer he has is everywhere.
Each day he was taken miles away for radiotherapy which in itself is exhausting and he can barely get about now.
One week ago he had a funny turn hallucinating and sweating and it was decided his kidneys were failing and he was put on a drip.I visited he was I'll but still like Dad iyswim.
This weekend he was very tired and slept through family visiting.
He has told Mum he is dying soon and now refuses blood tests and food and requested drips be removed.He is incontinent both ways which is dreadful for him.
He wants to die now and is in his own room.Tue he shouted at mum and dsis just to go home when he had an accident.
I feel numb.....I have no idea how long he can stay like this.This is not my df and my strong db had to leave in tears.:(

Is there a hospice offering "hospice at home" services near you?

So sorry you are going through this. Your dad is obviously suffering as much from the mental strain of being so ill as he is physically. It is OK for him to decide that he doesn't want any more treatment to save or prolong his life but palliative care to ensure he can slip away without pain and with dignity should be available. Unfortunately it isn't always possible to provide this at home, but do try.

He has hospice at home but is in hospital at the moment due to I V s.I don't know if he is going home now he des have a hospital bed ready if he does.

Have ye asked the hospital to sedate him enough to make him comfortable. Pleae try and remember the dad he was and completely ignore any bad stuff as he is not in control of his emotions any more. Just keep being totally gentle with him . Its so tough but remember this is not him .
My dm passed away recently and we kept saying to doctors please do not have her destressed..do what you can to make her peaceful. We found they only did it when we asked.

I can't ask.for.anything as he refuses to see anyone.Mum can still go.the nurse said he isn't dying yet but he has deteriorated badly the last week.Such a weird situation to by in when he wants to die which completely. Isn't my dfs normal attitude to life.
Unless he is dying and they are lying to stop us worrying.

How distressing for all of you and how sad for your Dad. I haven't really and my advice but I don't think what you are explaining is that unusual. People can behave irrationally and out of character when they are so ill.

Df s been prescribed pills to help him sleep and help his mood.He only told mum twice he wanted to die weds.we are in limbo...he won't have treatment or tests now however palliative nurse thinks he still has time.He signed his DNR again so if he has a heart attack or suchlike he just wants to go.
Its all been so draining I know he has DVT an infected leg that is bad and bed sores.No one can visit.It is so hard no idea how mum is coping.Thank you for e advice x

I hope the pills continue to help his mood and sleep. I guess you just have to take one day at a time. Are you able to see your Mum?

He is probably terrified, and scared and doesn't want his loved ones to see or remember him as he is
Try and speak to him and keep trying.
And hugs to you all

Zee mum the other day she spends all day with him and comes home exhausted and drained She has battled cancer twice which is incurable so second df like this must be doubly hard.She told me he has withdrawn into himself.
Yesterday he Ade a bit but still wants to die.
I know a woman whose husband's personality changed when he was in his last days.Df was such a positive man this is so out of character.
Yes I suppose he is terrified having had pain and hallucinations and such bad legs most of the skin has come off of one.
At least I have work until 10 pm tonight to distract me.

Hand hold, I am in a similar situation with an elderly relation, he is in his final days/hours, bloody cancer again.

A few weeks ago he agreed to see me and DH when he was still conscious, but he refused initially to see others.

He did change his mind and everyone that wanted to visit him, have visited, so don't give up hope OP.

From my very limited understanding perhaps the drugs and changes within the body may make people react in an usual way, as well as dealing with the diagnosis and fear of the unknown.

Thinking of you OP at this horrible time.

He sounds terrified and embarrassed. Bless him. Have they offered talking services to him. He needs a hospice nurse to go in and talk to him about his fears and worries

It's awful for you, but worse for him. If not seeing anyone helps him to cope with what he's going through, let him have that. Spend the time when you would have been visiting in prayer or contemplation, thinking positively about him, wishing him well on his journey.

If your mum asks from time to time if he wants to see other family members, that will give him the chance to say so.

Could you still go the hospital and support your mum for an hour? Meet her in the cafe and have a coffee/hand hold?

Mum could even try telling dad you are there and asking if he will see you? It must be awful fir all of you. My Dad died of cancer and unfortunately the last few weeks were terrible. It's heartbreaking

I'm sorry others have been through this.Good idea about supporting mum she even gets a taxi home as she wants to be alone and perhaps stay strong.My heart goes out to Dad but there is absolutely nothing I can do x

My dad was so angry at the end, he was in pain, his body was failing and he didn't want to die. We don't remember that about him though. Take care of yourself

Some illnesses are so cruel.I'm sorry about your DF.Mine is adamant he wants to die.It must be dreadful for DM after 53/ hrs together he did so much for her.
I have no idea how long he will be like this.He must look bad if my Db cried tbh.He only went on holiday for a week and could see the deterioration.

No he doesn't have morphine as his kidneys were struggling but he now has painkillers every two hrs not four.Palliative nurse seemed to think he could have longer with iv s in.He decided to come off them so I have no idea what will happen now.

DM said he maybe transferred to a nursing home as he needs care but she can't cope at home.He has shingles too now.His mood has improved.DM mentioned a syringe driver in the future for pain relief.

It sounds like a nursing home might be the best place for him.

I'm so confused I thought the hospice e would be the next place for him.

He is in a lovely nursing home.The place is new and he has fantastic help.Poor df wants to die though.He doesn't want to be trapped in a body that can't walk really and has to have help going to the loo.
Somehow we didn't think he would make the much recover if that is the right word.
His mood has improved slightly and he has moaned about the food which is OK we got him a fridge too.
We have no idea how long he can stay like this as he won't have blood tests.
Tensions have developed with family members feeling they are doing more which has been dreadful.....it isn't a competition.

However I have seen him.....3 weeks was ages and he looks better.