My friend has never acknowledged my brother's terminal cancer

[NooNooHead1981]

Long story short... I have a 'friend' (kind of an ex-friend now) who had a miscarriage at 15 weeks pregnant recently. Obviously this was horrendous and she isn't taking it well mentally recovering.

We're not close and she has been blanking me since I had an ectopic pregnancy in March and she found out she was pregnant. Her moodiness was hard enough to deal with although she was very kind to me when I had my ectopic, but now things have turned 'sour' in her eyes and she no longer speaks or acknowledges me.

We were meant to have a playdate with our daughters recently which I double booked and had to cancel, leading her to send me a message saying she 'couldn't do this any more' and she had to psyche herself up to go on the playdate, only for me to cancel. I appreciate things must be hard for her, but not once has she said thanks or acknowledged my gift and card to her after her miscarriage nor explained why she is so off with me or what I have done wrong.

When I replied to her recent message, among other things in my message (which was kind and said I offered her support no matter what, and was very understanding of her loss), I also said very straight that my brother was very ill and had a terminal diagnosis, yet she didn't reply nor even say 'sorry to hear your brother is ill.'

While I totally acknowledge how devastating it must have been to go through such a traumatic experience, I feel quite hurt and upset that she has never told me what the matter is and why she can't seem to be friends any more. For her not to even say anything about my brother really upsets me. I know she must be totally depressed getting over her miscarriage but to be so sad as to not even acknowledge my brother's diagnosis has made me think she is quite heartless in a way.

I feel really guilty writing this, as I know she is a good person and kind, but her actions have spoken much louder than words recently and I'm unsure about whether I should try to resurrect the friendship or not. I don't mean to sound selfish and make it about me, but in my eyes, her behaviour comes across as being scared of confrontation or acknowledging hard feelings. I wish people were more communicative, as I feel like I need to be a mind reader to work some people out!

Sounds like you have both been through a lot recently. I think you are unreasonable to expect her to thank you for gift and card-in any other situation a thank you would be normal. Here, she might just be in such a bad place communication is really hard. Maybe right now she just needs to focus on herself. Very sad that your brother is so ill-perhaps right now she literally doesn't have the emotional energy to give you any support. You both need to get support from other people. 15 weeks is a horrible time to have a miscarriage...she may have just been starting to think everything was ok. You've both been through hell- maybe you both need to rebuild yourselves a bit before being able to support others. Take care.

I know, thank you for your kind reply. You're right - it is hard for both of us and she must just need the time and space to recover properly mentally and physically. I know it isn't all about me either, and that the whole situation has been very hard for both of us with our miscarriages. It is something that I am prepared to give her space to deal with, I just don't really know what I have done wrong as she seems to be able to be friendly and chat with other mutual friends.

I guess getting support from others here is the key. I will work on giving her time and space and maybe message her in a couple of months to see if anything has improved.

It seems you have upset her and let her down, if you want the friendship to survive you need to get to the bottom of this, find out exactly what she feels you have done wrong. You have both had a difficult time recently and perhaps both of you feel the other hasn't been supportive enough.

Texting can be dangerous and can lead to misunderstandings, you really need a face to face conversation.

Maybe she doesn't have enough headspace to deal with other people's problems
It's difficult for everyone but I'm inclined to suggest you offer support and leave it with her to contact you