I don't know if I can do this!

[WitchDancer]

I've just got back from the hospital. They have given FIL 4 weeks, bastard cancer. I don't know how to deal with this - he says it's up to us to do what we feel is right but I haven't got a clue of how to deal with this! I don't know what I'm asking for, I just wanted someone to know.

I've got to tell my kids (10 & 7) but how???? They know he's gut cancer but what do I say? I'm desperately trying to hold myself together and smile for them but they're not daft, they know something is wrong.

We've got to find him somewhere to go - we've been given a list of local nursing homes but we've got to choose. What if we get it wrong???

The other part of the family is a distance away so we've got to make that call. They know but we weren't expecting this quick.

Better weeks than months but I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye yet

I'm really sorry about your FIL

There's some advice on the Macmillan website here about talking to children about cancer. There's a section about cancer that isn't going to get better. I think it's more geared towards a parent being sick, but I'm sure a lot of it can be adapted.

Thank you What, I'll haves good read

I hope you are all coping as well as you can in the circumstances

Thank you What. We had a meeting with the consultant yesterday, where it was decided no more could be done other than keep him comfortable.

We found him a nursing home placement and he was moved today. It was horrible as they kept him waiting for the ambulance from 8am and he was very upset when he finally arrived. He has settled in well though and really likes them place we found.

I'm exhausted, as is DH, but I think we're calmer now knowing he's happy and in a safe place

We haven't told the kids the full story yet, just that he's got cancer and he's moved from hospital today. We're letting that sink in first and then we'll tell them

Oh how awful for you all 💐

We went through the same thing with my FIL, my DC were younger then. They just knew he was in hospital and was very ill, but didn't tell them he wasn't going to get better, we just told them when he had died.

Glad he has got a place in a home, how have his first few days been?

He only arrived this afternoon but seems to be more relaxed. DH said FIL was a little confused tonight and was thinking he was in a hotel. That's not a bad thing though!

Hi hows things? We are going through similar with my brother. My children know he is poorly and wont get better. I have just answered their questions honestly as they have arisen. They have lost a friend and pets previously so they have some idea of what is to come.
I bought a book from Amazon with a picture of a house on -childs picture blue and red. When someone you love dies. or something close. it is sweet. with activities like draw a picture for them. and can be used during and after terminal illness when they are sad or asking questions so obviously thinking about it.
I also have sad by Michael Rosen. which is a beautifully illustrated. book that your eldest may identify with. I certainly did. I have a few books, stories, activity and non fiction that we use when it seems right. Never out of context and always child led
I am so sorry for your sadness.

look at Winston's wish website. Sorry this is happening.

Thank you both for your suggestions.

He's failing fast, which is a blessing in a way. I've been telling the kids little bits at a time and they have been taking it all in their stride. We took them over last night to see him and they were fine with him, although they were a little shocked at his change in appearance. A gentle bit of reassurance and they were great.

It's hard because he's rambling a little. I think he was on a boat last night, which the boys found funny. I think they thought he was joking with them and played along!

Unbelievably he's still with us. He's in and out of consciousness and not making much sense. He did open his eyes and gave a massive smile to me when I went in and gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead though.

I'm exhausted, as is my DH, and we want to be with him but we also need to try and keep life normal for our children.

@WitchDancer I'm in the same situation only it's my Dad. He was diagnosed on 23rd July and moved into a nursing home on 4th August. He's changing appearance so fast, he's going fast. It's breaking my heart. My Mum only passed away in June too so I'm still finding it hard

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!

How are you coping? We're in a horrible position where we are still running our own business, plus we've got the kids off school too. We're just taking one day at a time 😔

Witch we have just gone through this with my MIL - actually my nearly 12 year old dealt with it brilliantly, better than my DH who just couldn't bare seeing her in the final stages. My nearly 10 and 6 year olds were good with her even when she was confused and incontinent and looked different but the actual hospital setting phased them, not the changes in MIL. We kept the children away right at the end though - she died at home but wasn't really concious for a couple of days, and DH was really struggling being there.

We were honest with the children right from the start - they knew for 7 months that she was dying and of coursethere were tears (she was very active until just a couple of weeks before diagnosis and this time last year was taking them out in full day hikes) but they coped incredibly well, and having known what was happening they handled her actual death without any drama, just a bit subdued and tears from one of them.

I hope it's peaceful for your fil and your family

Thank you Drinking x

@WitchDancer I have 3 children off school at the moment, and I'm also 20 weeks pregnant. Can't tell the children, they just lost their grandma. Luckily I work term time so am off work at the moment, DH is a HGV driver so is away but he's a huge support.

Oh my word, that's hard Hot. We were recommended a book called something like Badgers Parting Gift, which has really helped the children come to terms with what is happening. They're pretty calm about it now but obviously when he actually passes there could well be problems again.

Thank you, will have a look at that book xx

We had a call from the care home this morning and have been by his side al day. He's very peaceful but hanging in there. We've come home to try and get some rest, leaving instructions to call us at any time. I wish we could stay longer but I'm exhausted and in need of painkillers 😔

He passed away this morning, peacefully.

So sorry to hear this

Had a family member die this year. So much impact through the family. Not a personal relative of mine, my younger daughter's much, much loved MIL.
Take care of yourselves. Get lots of rest if you can it's the emotional draining takes it out of you as much as anything. Hugs.

@WitchDancer So sorry x My DF passed away just before midnight on 23rd. X

Thank you all. I just feel shattered but have to sort out a couple of things before we can flake out.

My condolences on your loss HotPink 💐

I'm so sorry, this is so hard.
My father died when dds were only 10 and 7. Elder dd was actually away with a friend when he died - she knew Grandpa wasn't well but we hadn't spelt it out. I had to tell her when she came back, since I didn't want to spoil her holiday. She was very upset.

I think you can only be 'gently' honest, if such a thing is possible, and explain that it's terribly sad, but although the doctors have done their best, Grandpa isn't going to get better. I think I added to mine that their Grandpa, who was a very jolly type, really wouldn't want them to be sad for long, but it was Ok to have a good cry.