My husband is dying after 3 years of chemo

[QuiltingFlower]

DH has had 3 years of high dose chemo, and has relapsed for the third time. There is nothing else left to try. I have been looking after him at home and hope he is able to stay here until the end. I have some uber supportive friends and family without whom I would have floundered by now. Other friends and family have variously been on the range of occasionally helping or popping in for coffee or lunch. That is fine, not everyone can hack illness.My problem is actually the dawning realisation that my DSis is, and has been, low or no contact with us for years, except when she wants something. This happens just often enough that I put her picking up and then dropping of me as due to pressure at work/kids being ill/moving house, etc etc. But it is not that.

DH, the kindest, sweetest of men told me very recently of how hurt he has been by her treatment of me over the years and how he cannot understand how she can be so unsupportive of us at this time. I have only just joined the dots up.

I have been mulling this over and realise everything has to be on her terms or she sulks/exhibits other unpleasant behaviour. I have decided I am going to ignore any further requests from her. Should I tell her that is what I am doing upfront and maybe resolve whatever the problem actually is, or just block her?

Has anyone else had a similar revelation about a close relative? Am I being as bad as her?

I think that it is precisely at times like this that you stop and realise the dynamics of relationships etc. I know that when my Dad was dying, a lot of family issues suddenly became very clear to me.

I had counselling (NHS referral from my GP), which was technically grief counselling, but helped me put a lot of things in perspective.

I would absolutely ignore at requests from her for now, and when the time feels right, find someone to talk to to help you work it through longer term.

I'd gently suggest that now isn't the right time to be making any major decisions about none essential things. Emotions are running so high anyway, and everything is so much harder when you're going through caring for a spouse and facing a terminal diagnoses (been there).

Do whatever will best mollify DH in the short term, and will be the least effort for you. (Which to my mind seems like perhaps saying no to any direct requests she makes, but not initiating a big drama by outright blocking her.)

Many people who know they are near the end get quite worried about the people they're leaving behind. So probably best to focus pending time with, and accepting help from, all the many people who love you and will be there for you. That will help both of you.