I think my mum is dying

[LazySusan11]

Even writing the title seems so surreal, she's been told she has amongst other issues ovarian cancer but has not been told how long she might have. She could have surgery but due to her other issues they aren't certain she would survive the major operation they have proposed or what exactly they will find should she be strong enough for surgery.

She's lost so much weight in the 5 weeks she was taken into hospital she looks frail and pale. She sleeps a lot has little appetite and no longer likes water which she has always loved to drink. She has had a few sips of ginger ale but that's it. She has a morphine patch and oramorph the dr says this is all 'normal' given her illness.

I don't know how long I have her, I don't know what to expect. The dr asked if she would like a McMillan nurse to see her but she said not yet.

I'm terrified of her being in pain or dying alone in a horrible way. Is there anywhere I can get any sort of information to help prepare myself? Thank you.

Also, just wanted to add, that all four of us siblings behaved very differently when my parents were dying; some were focused very much on practicalities, some more on the relationship side, some buried in work etc so there is no fixed way to handle this. The same goes for the patient, some want to discuss it openly and others definitely do not (my parents were very different in this; my father didn't want to discuss it, my mother had everything planned in advance).

It's normal to feel panic and fear at one time and then numb and surreal at another.

All of which is meant to say (rather badly) that everyone handles it in a different way so do whatever you feel is right for you and your lovely mum. x

Finally, is there a hospice near you? They can often be an invaluable source of information and support.

Thank you and thank you Sweeping for the link it was very helpful.

Today has been an awful day I can't stop crying, I hate the way this feeling sneaks up on you and overwhelms you making you look a complete idiot.

I'm sorry you had such a tough day yesterday LazySusan

It is an overwhelming situation you are in, so totally normal to feel overwhelming sadness. And in these circumstances, above all others, your feelings are justified; so you honestly won't look like an idiot to anyone!!

Take care op

Mum is on her final journey, she sleeps most of the time and isn't very lucid in the moments she's awake. I'm sitting with her 24/7 but whilst I still have her what do I do? I don't want to have any regrets when she has passed and I know that we have all done the very best we can but is there more during these last days?

I don't know what to do.

My advice is that being with her is enough. if you want to talk then do. Think about what you want to say and make sure that you say it. There are no right or wrong ways to be at this stage. You are doing your best and your mum knows that.

Just talk to her. Tell her everything you want to, remind her of happy times. When my dad was poorly recently I rubbed beautifully scented handcream in for him. She may not be fully aware, but she will feel your love regardless.

Oh bless her, are the District nurses being helpful (I am one!) Has she got a hospital bed and pressure relieving equipment? If she seems to be in pain or agitated they can give her medication via a small pump called a syringe driver.

Make sure the carers are turning her and applying cream (?we use proshield but that might vary in different areas) so she doesn't develop any sores.

Has DNR been discussed and do you know what to do when she does pass away?

Sorry for all the questions, it must be incredibly difficult and painful to watch

I don't actually know who to call when she dies. Who do I call?

I am going to miss her so much, she has been such a huge presence in my life we are very close. I feel really privileged to be able to have this time with mum but on the inside I'm screaming because I don't want her to go.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It is very hard to watch and wait with someone as they die. It is also a great gift and if you can talk to her (about anything, doesn't need to be deep) that will be a reassuring presence for her.
Practically speaking there is a guide on the Government website called What to do when someone dies. I'm not going to link it because although it is very useful as it spells out exactly what you need to do, it makes quite stark reading so you need to be in the right frame of mind to look at it I think. Maybe just find it and then not look at it until you need to, when it will be very helpful.

Bless you Lazysusan you are doing wonders by being there.

Do you have any support for yourself around you?

I used to find that reading out loud, playing relaxing music and a bit of reflexology (soothing lavender) helped or a dab of favourite scent.

Also, for myself I found sewing really helped (and my SIL knitted when she was v panicky and it helped)

It's such a difficult time. Make sure you get short breaks when the carers come - outside if poss - and keep eating regularly x

If she has a DNR in place and dies at home you can call her Dr to come out and certify, if its out of hours you can ring the hospice (if they have a helpline number) or the 111 service and explain the situation. Once she has been certified you can make your own arrangements directly with the under takers.

Has her own Gp seen her recently?

I know its an impossibly difficult time but the fact that she is at home with her family is lovely for her and i'm sure where she would want to be.

Didn't want to read and run ,it's a surreal feeling watching your parents die ,you don't want them to leave but you know they will .I sat with my mum ,talked a lot and held her hand .Like my dad ,mum actually passed away when we weren't in room ,apparently this is quite common.

So sorry you are going through this. When I sat with my mum she kept saying how tired she was. I encouraged her to sleep but I did not really wAnt her to in case she never woke up. I am ashamed to say that when she did sleep I tried to wake her to check she was still alive. I did keep talking to her as the nurse told me hearing was one of the last senses to go. In the end she just sighed and left us. My one regret is not asking her about a family secret only she could answer so if you need to ask anything do it now. Make the most of your time with mum and if possible take some photos to look at in the future .

I lost my lovely lovely mum in August to ovarian cancer, was 6 weeks from diagnosis to the end.

We were with mum as she passed her breathing was very laboured and liquid sounding as she couldn't clear her throat and then she just stopped breathing. Just be with and talk to her, they say hearing is the last to go.

When she goes call the duty doctor who will come out an declare death then call undertakers.

I completely understand how you feel. I cared for my DMIL, she had Alzheimer's. I was so afraid of the moment of death.

I watched many videos on YouTube of a lady called Francisca, midwife to the soul. She is a palliative care nurse. They really helped to prepare me.

There was no pain as we had a syringe driver of morphine. Contact your local hospice and they will help you with all of this.

The dr has been, she has ovarian cancer and at the moment has an infection. She's been given antibiotics so hope that will perk her up a little. Her breathing is rapid and shallow and a bit raspy she can barely talk and makes no sense.

I don't know if I can be here when she dies, I am so afraid.

Tell her you love her.

Remind her of the fun times, tell her you loved her choice of names for you.

Stroke her hand. Touch and hearing last longest.

Get something nice for her to smell, eg a lavender bag, to put under her pillow.

Get some lip balm, her lips will get very dry.

Get some scented moisturiser for her hands and face, and massage them , gently.

Get some cotton buds and mini sponges in sticks to keep her liquid up slightly and her lips and throat moist..

Play her the music she most loved, with gentle stuff as well as jolly.

If she can still see, get a photo album and take her through it.

If she is still talking, do you want to talk about her funeral? Have you got people coming to say goodbye?

If she was religious, is there anyone she would want to see?

I've now been at three death beds recently, including DM's, and it seems to me that holding their hands and telling them how much they are loved is the most important thing.

She's hunched over in bed and doesn't want moving she gets agitated if you touch her she's quite irritable.

I've told her I love her told her I am so glad she's my mum that she is the light of my life my world and I am so grateful for everything she's done for me.

I'm so sad that she's not in a better place that she doesn't seem peaceful. She says she's scared of dying I've told her we're here and we love her and there is nothing to be scared of.

I want to stand in the garden and scream. She's 68 and she looks so much older. Nothing anyone says to her eases her any any way.

Hello op.
I am assuming you're in the U.K. But not read the whole thread.
If you're in uk please ring 111 if mum is in pain and tell them everything, hopefully they should be ale to provide her with extra pain relief.
Is she still eating and drinking?

Yes she should also be offered some anti anxiety meds to ease her mind (although my knowledge of this is from the French system).

Is there anyone (priest, counsellor, friend) she would like to see?

Or do the local hospice offer an outreach service? You could ring the one nearest to you and explain your mother's distress and see what they advise.

Have the District nurses been in today? Has she got Just in Case meds?

Your mum sounds like she would benefit from some midazolam to ease her anxiety and agitation, this can be given via an injection or in a pump (syringe driver) if she is agitated ring someone, the hospice/ dr/ dn team and ask them to review her.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard. This link is a programme that I heard on Radio 4 during my mum's last weeks dying from cancer. I found it helped enormously with understanding what was happening to her, and gave me some comfort.

So sorry this is happening, I lost my mum to ovarian cancer a few years ago (it had spread everywhere). It's awful when they pass away, but the moment they actually go is often very quiet and peaceful. I do think it would be a good idea to phone someone like Marie Curie or 111, to see if you can get her something calming, and perhaps more pain relief if she needs it. Talk to her, hold her hand. My mum was in a hospice for the last few days of her life, because my dad couldn't manage her pain relief at the end - is this an option? Hope you find some comfort using pp's advice.

After the night we had last night I spoke to the dr who gave her 24/48 hours given her condition and the infection. I was not prepared to let mums end of days be so brutal and undignified so I called 999 and she is in the hospital.