sitting in breast cancer clinic and terrified

[MonicaLewinskisFlange]

I've found a lump and have been referred by my gp to hospital. Don't know what to expect and fearing the worst. Mum had breast cancer in the past but after treatment is now in remission. Can't tell family as don't want them to worry, but I feel very alone. It might be nothing (fingers and toes crossed). Any advice gratefully accepted.

Thanks WomanActually and MonikaLewinskisFlange. Monika - I can SO relate to your concerns re:kids, DH etc. If you wanted to PM me for a rant I suspect we would understand each other perfectly!!

Thanks irritable

Ha, yes, dh and dd know when I'm pissed off as I'm doing crazy things like washing the skirting boards :)

It's was leaving dd without a Mother that scared me more than anything too, and something I've been anxious about since she was a baby, when I found my lump I held off too as it convinced myself it was my anxiety talking because a part of me expected it to happen for years, than when a lump did appear I talked myself into believing it was nothing and would go away, sounds silly I know.

Dh said that's what worried him the most also, that he'd be ok eventually but that dd would struggle and he didn't think he'd be enough for her to be ok, he's made changes since. He does not take me for granted anymore, he takes an interest in what's happening at school, helps around the house so much more too. I think it gave him a shock. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't a shitty dad or husband before, but a lot of things ticked over in the background and I think that as he had to do everything after my surgery, he realised there's a lot of little things that he doesn't see get done or have to worry about as he has me doing it for him, he now does a lot of that himself. Hope I'm making sense.

I don't know what to suggest about your dh, I'm crap at relationship advice, but it sounds really hard for you and I'd have resentment towards him too. It's not nagging to expect him to take things seriously, and the accusation of nagging is often used to shut people up. Health scares are hard enough without a unsupportive spouse, I'm so sorry you're dealing with that on top of other things. Don't feel bad about having a moan

If you ever want to rant or get things off your chest, feel free to PM me anytime, no LTB advise I promise. :)

Fingers crossed for you that it is benign.

No idea what to suggest re your DH - I'm on the other side in that my DH has recently had a terminal cancer diagnosis.
When he first had symptoms and was referred I minimised the thoughts that it might be cancer, and he probably played it down (we were both "referral to rule it out etc"). I suppose sticking head in the sand.
When he had the endoscopy and they found a large growth I fainted at the news. And I hope since then I've been supportive, although I have fallen apart somewhat myself as well.

It's very very hard for everyone, both the person with the diagnosis but also their loved ones.
You are both going through very different things and it can be difficult if not impossible to emphasise with each other as you aren't in each situation and probably never have been.

Can you talk to him, tell him how you feel and what you need?

I've never felt so emotionally distant from my DH as I did in the couple of weeks after he was discharged from a 2 week hospitalisation following the diagnosis. We were both processing our own, very different, emotions about everything and had little to give to each other. I think both time and talking has helped us.

I had the same last year. Mine was benign and they rang me up and told me before the results appointment and cancelled the appointment.

Thanks guys. You are awesome.

actually I'm glad to hear you sorted things out with DH. Everyone needs to be appreciated. He told me a couple of weeks ago that I do nothing. It stunned me. I literally do everything. He just doesn't notice. I work full time, care for the kids, sort the housework, look after the manchild DH, and he does maybe 5%. I don't stop from 6.30am to past midnight. On my feet, doing stuff that needs doing. I would so love to feel cherished and appreciated right now. But here I go again moaning - sorry! I'm suspecting that I have a massive flood of feelings that is going to burst very soon. Possibly on MN! I did write him a list of things I need but haven't given it him yet.basically to be respectful to me, a good dad and to help more.

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through squirrels. I can't imagine how truly awful it must be. It puts my bleating on into perspective. And you still took the time to send me positive words. Thank you so much. I wish you all the best for whatever the future holds.

Oh sweetheart, OF COURSE you aren't bleating.
You are worried and scared and you need someone to help you and love you and be there for you.
Can you tell your DH this?
I know you have told him about the lump, but can you tell him you need his support?

Please don't dismiss what you are going through just because someone else is going through something else.
When we were waiting for the endoscopy and then for the consultant appointment following the CT scan it was really horrible, hoping for the best but being convinced otherwise (especially after the endoscopy for the follow up appointment ad we knew it was bad, just not how bad).

You can at least hold onto the medical view you got today that it is likely to benign.

Other posters are far more helpful that me about your specific circumstances and how you are feeling and what you are gong through. It it helps you keep posting - people do care and do post back.

I was overwhelmed by MN posts when DH was in hospital and the congratulations I received when I posted that we were getting married.

Keep strong and be kind to yourself.

thanks so much squirrels

Well I've got to Saturday and I'm still holding it together. Just.
What this has shown me is that life is too short to be miserable. I give that advice to others but don't follow it myself.
I've pretty much decided that I am not going to waste the rest of my life on my marriage to DH. He's got to go. Along with a lot of other clutter.
We've barely spoken all week and yesterday he forgot to collect our DS. I'm fuming and sad all at the same time.

Oh OP . Sorry to hear he is so crap.

I'm sorry to hear this OP, you need support right now, not crap. I hope you have other family and friends who you can lean on.
xx

I think I will have when the time comes. Think my older kids might not be upset at all. I haven't told DH yet. But he threatened to leave a couple of weeks ago after a row -(when he completely lost his temper with teenage DS and was verbally abusive) and and I said that if that is what we decide for the best then we should plan it properly and not him just walking out in a strop. Since then we've been in limbo, just day to day routine and no decisions made.

Part of me thinks I should just have let him go then, but I'm worried about his mental health. I'd like to help set him up in a flat and we be amicable. If that is possible.
I'm sad because he's my best friend. For many many reasons I shouldn't have stuck by him this long. For better and worse, and all that.

I'm thinking that even if it is cancer then I don't want to be with him. I can manage this on my own with my family and support network. I'll have to make a will. And a directive about my kids. Bloody hell the things that go through ones mind. It's all on hold til Wednesday when I get my results. Then I hope i feel stupid for being morbid about a poxy cyst.

I made a list of things I wanted him to be/do. Like a letter to give to him. A last resort to save us. This was last week. Since then I've made a new list. It's very very long and it's all the reasons why I can't be with him anymore. When I write it down, I cannot understand why I have forgiven him over and over again. He's never even sorry!
I'm ranting now. Thanks for listening.

Ahh Monica, it all sounds very hard but you seem to be strong and in control. That's a very good thing.

Whatever the results next week I hope you will be in a happier place soon.

Thanks bake off

How are you doing Monica?

I can't remember what day you get your results but I have everything crossed for you.

Yes today is indeed results day. I got a call this afternoon from the hospital. The biopsies showed benign cysts. Nothing nasty in there at all. I will need regular mammograms due to my family history but I don't need to worry right now. I don't have breast cancer!

I can't say how relieved I am. Been a very hard week indeed. Haven't been able to work properly, concentrate or get much done. Part of this is the stress related to my situation with DH I think. I admit I cried a little when I got the news. Just the relief of it. Happy tears. One less thing to worry about. Now I have to tackle my relationship and make some positive changes in my life. I can't spend the next 40 years being downtrodden, taken for granted, abused and miserable. I won't do it. (OK, this is me trying to convince myself to take action. I've felt a bit paralysed the past few weeks.)

Thanks all of you for your amazing support this past week. I have felt like I have friends to talk to not got any in RL that I can confide in atm . Thanks so much. This board is totally brilliant. I'll post in Relationships for any more advice as my problems are too trivial for this serious board where people are really facing genuine life horrors. for you all.

fantastic news for you.
All the very best for everything!

Ah that is brilliant news Monica!

Good luck with everyone else, you deserve to be happy.

So happy to hear your results were good Monika! Stay strong, and try to keep your perspective. Congratulations!

I'm so pleased you had great results, have a big fat virtual hug from me (don't care how un mumsnetty it is )

Best of luck with making changes with you're relationship, you deserve to be happy, I understand the paralysed type feeling, the emotions and not knowing what's what is draining, that's without the extra hassle with your dh so you must be very drained atm. Be kind to yourself and my offer of being a listener via pm is always there if you want to rant and don't feel up to starting a thread.

Very best of luck

Been following your thread, but didn't post as I didn't want to make my own situation seem real. I found a lump about a two weeks ago went to the GP who was reassuring but still made a referral to the breast clinic which was today. Had a mammogram but my breast tissue was too dense to see anything, ultrasound and was informed it was a cyst but they wanted to drain it. The registrar stuck a needle in a couple of times but failed to get any fluid, I started to panic a bit and it was incredibly painful and I asked her to stop. Consultant came in, managed to do it straight away, uncomfortable but not really painful. I should be feeling really happy to have an all clear but the strain of the last couple of weeks has made me feel shaky and drained rather than celebratory. Also I haven't told anyone in real life yet as I didn't want to worry anyone. Feel like a right moaner compared to people who have received bad news. I have also been put on a cyst protocol so I can go straight to the clinic if more cysts appears, which is reassuring.