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Life-limiting illness

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Original poster

Husband just diagnosed with cancer

46 replies

Findingthissohard · 02/05/2015 22:16

I've just written that subject title and I'm looking at it and can't believe it. Literally the bottom has fallen out of my world when less than 10 days ago I was teasing him that he had a ulcer and needed to eat healthily. One endoscopy and ct scan and consultants appointment and he has a diagnosis of stage 3 oesophageal cancer. He is only 39 and we have two young children.
He is still in shock and denial. I cannot stop crying and cannot believe the physical and emotional pain I am in. The kids have been a nightmare today but I think they are picking up the stress in us and that is unbearable. We see the oncologist on Tuesday for a plan for chemo, radio and surgery as apparently they are going to aggressively blast it. Trying to write a list of questions but just can't believe this is happening.Any words of support and help please.

OP posts:

Original poster

Findingthissohard · 04/06/2015 22:28

Thanks finger

Tbh I am really struggling today. It's so hard watching him be so uncomfortable with the chemo and he isn't his usual positive bright self. It's unsurprising and it's hurting him too. He isn't liking himself so down and feeling so bad. We went out for lunch today and he managed about 4 mouthfuls. He is losing too much weight.
Plus the one thing I'd been so proud of was how well the kids were coping. But my poor 6yo broke down in tears at school today saying he was worried about his dad. Makes me so so sad.
Also I feel like this cancer is some big elephant in the room. Hardly anyone calls us but a few more messages. We even went to see family last weekend and no one spoke to us about it. It hurts so much

OP posts:

3littlerabbits · 04/06/2015 22:37

Very hard for you all. I really feel for you xxx.

3littlerabbits · 04/06/2015 22:41

It must be so difficult to see your do upset. I guess it's better for them to let their emotions out? Sending you all many hugs. You write so clearly and from the heart - I can hear your worry. You will be able to use this strength of yours to support your lovely family and yourself.

bucksmum71 · 04/06/2015 22:44

So sorry you are aiming to go through this. Not sure where about you are but do look at the Maggie's website www.maggiescentres.org if you can't get to an actual centre they have an excellent online facility to offer you support, advice and information.

StillProcrastinating · 08/06/2015 22:04

Hi Finding,

Sorry to hear you're not getting the support you need. Lots of people feel helpless and just don't know what to say. If you don't mention it, they may feel that you want to ignore it so they won't bring it up. Some people are just useless and have no excuse! But give them a chance, tell them how you want them to support you. Then, if they let you down again, you know they are idiots and not just people who don't know what to do.

Hellenbach · 10/06/2015 21:44

My DS1 was 6 when my DH had chemo. I ordered this book from the USA
www.someoneiloveissick.com
It is a great resource, the pages can be removed and you just use the ones that are relevant.
My DS also saw the friendship counsellor at school which has been really helpful.
I found it difficult using the word 'cancer' with my DS but it is best to be honest.

RudyMentary · 10/06/2015 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1805 · 14/07/2015 01:11

OP.
Best wishes to you and your DH. Good luck.
My dh was diagnosed with stage 4 inoperable prostate cancer last year at age 43. We were told that this disease will kill dh. We have two dc then aged 12 and 9.
I was in shock for a few months, and crumbled a lot at work, but was able to stay ok at home in front of dc and dh.
Because of his age, they decided to treat him, and give it a go. He had surgery and radiotherapy.
We are coming up to 1 year anniversary of surgery soon, and his tests show at the moment that the cancer is undetectable. We will be in Italy on the actual anniversary, which was possibly a stupid thing to book at the time, but it's turned out to be ok.
Time does help. His tests are now part of life's routine, and we know that one day, we will have to face more bad news. But until then…….we live.
People occasionally ask how he is, and we answer "today he's fine, thank you." That's usually where the conversation changes. Dh and I talk about it ourselves which helps.

Financially, we are moving house soon to a house with an annex which we can rent out to cover the mortgage if and when necessary. We did have a policy we cashed in, but dh bought a posh car with it instead of paying off the mortgage!!!
DC wise, we told their schools which was v hard for me and I cried a lot. But the schools were great. The dc don't know the whole of the situation, just that dh has cancer and that he needs treatment.

I really hope you get through this, and that your dh can beat it. It does happen, despite how bad the doctors tell you it is. Keep believing that it is treatment for an illness, not a death sentence.
Really really good luck with this.

1805 · 14/07/2015 01:11

wow - that was long! Sorry!!!

Original poster

Findingthissohard · 14/07/2015 20:34

1805
Thank you for your message. It helps to hear other people's stories and I think your last 4 lines say it all. I should write that on the fridge!
So pleased to hear that your dh is doing so well and I hope you have a wonderful holiday.
Things here are ticking along. He is on the third lot of chemo and at the end of the month, he has all the tests again to see how it is. Keeping everything crossed

OP posts:

Original poster

Findingthissohard · 29/07/2015 20:01

The surgeons are now saying that his cancer is inoperable and that we need to look to palliative treatment options. I didn't think the world could come crashing down again but it has. I can't believe it I knew the surgery was a bit of a push but they have decided (in agreement with a second opinion) that the surgery is not going to clear it and that he won't be able to live well whilst recovering then with recurrence expected. We are getting a third opinion and then maybe even a fourth then that's all the best places in the UK asked.

OP posts:

FuckyNell · 29/07/2015 22:51

Oh finding sorry to hear that. Bumping for you

NuttyCake · 29/07/2015 23:02

I hope you have someone in real life to talk to as well as here. That's awful news to hear and I hope there is a glimmer of hope from another expert. I know we are all strangers but it's heartbreaking to read the your update and I'm sending positive vibes back.

StarJumpAlertTakeCover · 29/07/2015 23:03

Hi there
I too am scared. DH having chemo. Taking each day as it comes.
You are not alone. Be strong.
Xxx

Longroadtobetterville · 03/08/2015 15:40

I am so sorry you find yourself in a situation as rubbish as this
We are still in wait and watch territory. Stay strong in RL and post here to rave and rant at the unfairness of it all. You are certainly not alone.

Allice · 03/08/2015 15:52

I've got no experience at all but I'm so sorry that you're all going through this. Really hope the 3rd opinion is more positive.

Bluebell66 · 03/08/2015 16:01

My heart goes out to you OP. I went through this two and a half years ago with my DP, but his was Stage 4 Advanced lung cancer. I'm not going to tell you to try not to worry, I know that's crazy and impossible. You are in shock at the moment, and I guess your mind is racing and you are overwhelmed with disbelief and fear. It feels like your world has ended, but everyone else's is still going on around you. You feel you won't be able to cope, but somehow you will find the strength and you will cope. My two DC were the only thing that kept me going. I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs. I really hope treatment will be successful for your DH. Please feel free to PM me if you need to chat xx

Bluebell66 · 03/08/2015 16:07

Finding, I'm so sorry, I've just seen your last post saying that treatment wasn't going to work. I know you won't, but never give up. We looked into everything including going to Addenbrookes to look at the possibility of being put on a clinical trial. You never know, there might just be something. Thinking of you and praying for some positive news xx

Boosiehs · 03/08/2015 16:14

Hi Finding

I'm so sorry to hear your news. I second the pp who said look into clinical trials.

My DH has advanced melanoma diagnosed 3 years ago, and had been told it had metastasised and was inoperable in august last year. He has been on 2 clinical trials since and is currently (touch wood) doing ok.

I recommend the teams at Bart's. They have been really knowledgable.

Unmummsnetty hugs. I can totally relate to the works crashing down feeling. I really hope you can get some more info soon. Xx

1805 · 19/08/2015 12:12

Finding -

Keep fighting and trying new things. Diet, drugs, find someone prepared to stick their neck out and operate on him. He is young and strong.

We are waiting for a recurrence of the cancer, - in fact, I bumped into the surgeon in a car park a while ago and (can't believe I did this, I must have really pissed him off - he had his young dc with him ) blabbed out about how he'd operated on my husband and done such a good job and we're really grateful blah blah blah and he asked what palliative treatment he was receiving now, and he was amazed the cancer was still at bay. Not what he'd expected. The op had been more successful than they expected.

Keep on trying. You can do this. Keep the day to day stuff on the lowest level, lots of playdates/sleepovers for the kids, family days out if you can manage that.

Use the friends who have stayed with you through this, and your MN friends on here.

Good luck.

sherbetpips · 22/08/2015 14:09

Hi are you registered on the Macmillan website? The boards there are fantastic and where a great help to me when my FIL was diagnosed. You can join threads specifically related to the cancer your husband has. Sadly I have just gone back on it as my dad has just been diagnosed with oesophageal cancer with secondaries in his lungs and liver. We await the dreaded full diagnosis and treatment meeting.
I have said to my DM that she needs to take one step at a time, with my FIL there were lots of ups and downs so it is important that you don't pre-worry things that haven't happened yet. Best of luck to you both x

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