please help re work and practical advice, my beautiful brother is dying

[therealsquireofwideacre]

My darling, wonderful 40 year old brother has had a very sudden diagnosis of late stage bowel and liver cancer. It was a total bolt out of the blue and in the last 7 days we have gone from literally no idea there was anything wrong to being told he has very little time left. He lives 200 miles away from me and has no one to care for him. I need to be with him. I have no idea what to do about work - I need an open ended absence but realistically will I have to give notice? Can I just leave without working my notice out? He doesn't have that long. Forgive me for being stupid but I can't even breathe let alone think. Can anyone who has been through similar please hold my hand and give me some practical advice? What do I need to take with me, what do I need to do? This hurts so much.

so so sorry squirrel, I nursed my own amazing,brilliant brother, through cancer, he died in march. all I can say is make the most of every minute, we were able to get personal care at home as he wanted to die at home, and Marie curie to sit during the night however his personal care still needed doing when they weren't there, and his fiancee and I did this for him, she was also in a similar position to you she lived 2hrs away and had a job and child at school, she got signed off sick and came and helped us for the last 2 weeks. I don't know what to say to make any of this better for you. my dB and I were so close and now he's gone. ð??? I wish you all the strength you need for what's coming, believe me as hard as it is to believe right now, there will be some good times and laughs and jokes along the way. take comfort from that â?¤â?¤â?¤

Beau I can feel the pain in your post and I am so very sorry. What an awful, cruel thing this is.

This bit - waiting to find out what will happen next - feels like some very weird limbo. We are talking about the difficult things, remembering, laughing, crying. All I want to do is hold on to him and not let him out of my sight for a moment. We're trying to make some happy memories and he is so funny, laughing with the nurses and walking the corridors in his hospital gown as if he's sashaying down a catwalk, to make me laugh :) So careful of everyone else's feelings.

I'm glad that what I wrote may help a little in planning things.

Oh how we laughed and laughed. Our humour turned very black and those outside of the room may well have raised their eyebrows but for us, my son, my mum it was just about the most important thing we could bring to them.

It was immeasurably hard but with love and the support of various professionals I could give my son, and my mum, the best death. Sounds strange but we, and he, knew there was no hope, he was going to die so it became important to make it as good a it could be.

I'd like to say we did nothing but laugh but obviously we did not. It will be hard in ways you cannot imagine, but there will be moments of pure beauty that will give you all the strength you need.

I think I am beginning to understand Min. You have been incredibly brave and I am so very sorry for your losses and your pain.

Could anyone please advise me: work are now texting and ringing me several times a day as I will not be allowed any more leave after Sunday. I am registered as a temporary patient at my brother's but can't get an appointment with a GP till next week. Work expect me on Monday. What can I do? I can't leave him, he is so weak and in pain. The stress of so many calls and texts is making me consider simply resigning.

Are you off sick, or compassionate? How long have you been off for?
DO NOT RESIGN!

I self certified for 7 days but that ends on Sunday and I can't get an appointment to ask for a sick note. I was due to try today but my brother had to go back into hospital unexpectedly this morning and has only just been discharged. Tomorrow we have to go back in for scans snd tests, Monday the same.

They shouldn't be calling you when you are off sick. They probably want to know whether you will be back for shifts? Suggest you let them know that you don't yet know when you will be back and are seeing the Gp. Then send dr note when you have one. The worst they can do is dock some pay.

Once you have the dr note, you can send it to them with an explanation about the situation. The gp needs to sign you off with emotional stress or sonething like that.

Do not resign as you are under too much pressurre to make descions.I too have thought about it in my circumstances ,Contact work so they can cover your shifts then see the GP for a sick note.Im pretty sure they cant fire you ring macmillan as they give work related advice too.So sorry you are in this situation ,

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother.

You can be signed off sick over the phone; it's simply a case of phoning your Dr's surgery & asking for a phone consultation with the Dr on call; they will be able to write a sick note & leave it at reception for someone to collect & post to your work.

Your work should not be contacting you in this way; it could be construed as harassment.

How are you doing thereal? And your brother? I hope that you have been able to enjoy the simple pleasure of sitting outside in the sun over the weekend.

Thank you lovely Min we are making the most of little pleasures as you've said, and there's a feeling of everything being heightened somehow, it's difficult to explain. Colours are brighter, kind people's little gestures mean the world. We are talking and talking, making arrangements, putting his affairs in order.

The local doctor here in London became very awkward and wanted to make me a permanent patient, started wanting utility bills and a letter from my brother. I am so grateful for a wonderful doctor back home who has now generously signed me off for a fortnight over the phone.

We plod on in a bit of a limbo now, all tests complete, waiting to hear whether there will be any treatment or whether I can take him home. He is getting more tired by the day and is filling up with fluid that makes it more difficult for him to take a deep breath, but he has little pain.

He is playing the piano this morning and it is breaking my heart.
Thank you so much for all the kindness here, especially when so many of you have suffered such awful loss. I hope it's not too upsetting for you to read any of what I've written. I am so grateful that anyone has listened.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you and your dear brother peace and joy wherever you can find it. I found what you said about things being heightened very moving and inspiring.

My brother has just been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer and I want to be there for him too. You're a wonderful example and inspiration and your brother is blessed to have you.