Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Life-limiting illness

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

please help re work and practical advice, my beautiful brother is dying

89 replies

therealsquireofwideacre · 02/05/2015 05:41

My darling, wonderful 40 year old brother has had a very sudden diagnosis of late stage bowel and liver cancer. It was a total bolt out of the blue and in the last 7 days we have gone from literally no idea there was anything wrong to being told he has very little time left. He lives 200 miles away from me and has no one to care for him. I need to be with him. I have no idea what to do about work - I need an open ended absence but realistically will I have to give notice? Can I just leave without working my notice out? He doesn't have that long. Forgive me for being stupid but I can't even breathe let alone think. Can anyone who has been through similar please hold my hand and give me some practical advice? What do I need to take with me, what do I need to do? This hurts so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
therealsquireofwideacre · 02/05/2015 06:33

Baddz I am truly sorry to hear about your beloved aunt and Dad. It must have hurt very much.

Parsnip my dh will have the dc. I am so sorry to splurge out this awful pain to complete strangers and you are being so kind. I don't have a lot of rl support, I will try Macmillan. Thank you. I'm so sorry, I'm in shock I think.

OP posts:
KnitFastDieWarm · 02/05/2015 06:35

Please don't apologise, you must be absolutely reeling. Splurge away!

Original poster
therealsquireofwideacre · 02/05/2015 06:36

Knitfast thank you thank you
My beautiful brother, if you knew him you would understand.

OP posts:
Baddz · 02/05/2015 06:36

Thank you.
Yes, it's been awful
But we got through it and you will too, although I know it doesn't feel like it now.
Your brother is very lucky to have you.
Sending love x

Baddz · 02/05/2015 06:36

Yep...splurge away! :)

Baddz · 02/05/2015 06:37

Would you like to tell us about him?

Original poster
therealsquireofwideacre · 02/05/2015 06:37

Punk thank you.

I need to howl, I will come back to this later. I'm sorry.

OP posts:
KnitFastDieWarm · 02/05/2015 06:38

I feel like I would like to know him from your posts - they absolutely radiate love and character

Theas18 · 02/05/2015 06:39

Forget open ended bereavement leave etc. See/ call your gp at get signed off. This is entirely reasonable. You aren't going to function properly in a job where you need to be concentrating , with this hanging over you. You don't need tablets but you do need this from your gp b

Be with you brother for as long as you need. Thinking of you all.

parsnipbob · 02/05/2015 06:39

Howl all you like OP. It's needed Flowers. And do tell us about him if you feel able to.

KnitFastDieWarm · 02/05/2015 06:43

Phone your doctor on Tuesday and get signed off. I'm currently signed off with hyperemesis and what you are going through is FAR harder and more important. The GP will understand. Don't worry about work, they will understand too (my friend was off for months during her mums illness) and if they try to be difficult, sod em. This is far more important.

Kahlua4me · 02/05/2015 06:45

I agree with theas, contact your gp and get signed off for a while. You are in no fit state to work, especially in care work, and gp should see that. You then have more tim to speak to work about what to do.

Thinking of you all.

Original poster
therealsquireofwideacre · 02/05/2015 06:50

My brother's name is Brian. He is the kindest, most tolerant and open minded person I know, generous to a fault, open hearted. He is fiercely intelligent and curious about life, the world, everything. He plays the piano and writes poetry, he has taught himself to speak several languages and has travelled a lot. We grew up in a difficult situation and relied on each other, he never failed me, he supported me through everything always. He never forgot the tiny details and he texts me, rings me, and I do the same for him. He adores my children and has been the very best uncle. The best. He can talk about anything and cares about people, really cares. He has had gay and straight relationships but is now seperated. He is loved, he is so very loved. What will I do? What will I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
therealsquireofwideacre · 02/05/2015 06:52

He can't go without me

OP posts:
leoteddy · 02/05/2015 06:54

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your brother. For help today and over the long weekend, call out of hours GP service and ask for a district nurse visit. They will be able to assess him and help get your brother what he needs to make him comfortable ASAP. He should not be in pain. They will also support you. Get signed off by your GP on Tuesday, call in sick to work as soon as you can and tell them what's happening.

Original poster
therealsquireofwideacre · 02/05/2015 06:55

I'm so sorry, it's not fair of me to share this when I feel so raw. Thank you I will contact the GP from my brother's home.

OP posts:
confusedandemployed · 02/05/2015 06:55

Enormous sympathies OP. It's been a while since Mum died, but I remember it only too well.
It helped me to have a list of things to do. I think yours has to be:

  1. GP for yourself on Tuesday morning. And if they ask, yes it is an emergency appointment.
  2. Ring Macmillan and ask for their help.
  3. Ring work and tell them why you're signed off sick (presumably that's what the GP will do).

I am of the opinion that in these circstances, work is the very very least of your worries. If they start being awkward about your taking time off - sod them. You have more important things to worry about. And I'm an HR advisor.
Flowers for you.

Original poster
therealsquireofwideacre · 02/05/2015 06:58

Thank you so much

OP posts:
parsnipbob · 02/05/2015 06:59

Crying reading your lovely words about your brother OP. I can totally relate.

I am so, so sorry.

Baddz · 02/05/2015 06:59

Oh op :(
He sounds utterly, utterly wonderful.
My dads name was Brian! Brian's are ace Smile
I know you are scared. If you feel really bad see the ooh gp this weekend and get signed off and some medication x

KnitFastDieWarm · 02/05/2015 07:02

Thank you for sharing a bit of your brother with us Flowers he sounds like a wonderful brother and uncle

Original poster
therealsquireofwideacre · 02/05/2015 07:05

Thank you he really is special. Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
mugglingalong · 02/05/2015 07:09

I agree you need to talk to your GP about this and get help for yourself especially after your last post. You need time with him. Is there any chance that he could have his care transferred more locally to you if he wanted that so you have support from your family?

I know that you won't want to think about this now, but 40 is very young and might indicate a genetic issue, especially if there are other early deaths in the family or the history is unknown. You should discuss this possibility with his drs for yourself and your family. I only say it now, and I really don't want to add to your pain and suffering, because it is much easier to test if he gives a sample now as they know that he is affected. I used to work in that area and there are things that can be done to monitor the family.

TheFullCircle · 02/05/2015 07:09

When my Mum was dying - she took a sudden dip and was in awful pain. The GP came out: she couldn't travel at that point and gave her additional pain relief. I really would ring your out of hours number and ask for help. My DB had to get quite stoppy on the 'phone but when the GP got to them, he was very supportive.

Can you sort your end - is there someone to look after your family so you can go and keep him company? The only perspective I can offer, and it is no comfort, is that he is loved; he has you and you will be there. Take care.

confusedandemployed · 02/05/2015 07:11

Just seen your words about your brother. He sounds amazing, OP.