Advice in supporting my friend whose DH is very likely dying.

[ZolaBuddleia]

My lovely friend's husband has had cancer for several years, and it looks like his treatment options are running out. He is waiting to hear whether he is well enough to take part in a medical trial, but otherwise they have been told there is nothing that can be done.

They have a little boy aged 5.

At the moment they are being as positive as they can be, and obviously the little boy doesn't know how ill his DF is.

Do you have any advise on how best to support my friend? I'm keeping up to date with all the medical stuff and talking to her about it, trying to take my cues from her. I know about Winston's Wish, for if/when the time comes, but I've never been in this situation before and really want to help her and her DS as much as I can.

They are an absolutely lovely family and it's all so unfair.

Just being there helps. Picking up her son too. Also food, make food that can be put in the freezer and heated through as she won't want to cook. Some ironing or shopping too. When my husband was terminally ill I really couldn't think straight and one of the best things was a friend going to one of these ready meal shops (cooks I think) and brought me loads of food for the freezer.

Thanks. Very sorry to hear about your husband.

Being there I can most certainly do. I hadn't thought about the food side of things, will get cracking on that.

I'm sorry for your friend. Now that my mum is sick I realise the importance of that random phone call for no reason. It may be you have caught them at a bad moment, but just knowing someone still cares enough to call up and say hello, maybe pop in for a chat to break the boredom of medical appointments etc… or meet for a quick coffee to unload.

I second that vote around food and any practical stuff - like the school run, especially if you have kids in the same school.

I know when my brother was dying that my lovely SIL appreciated it most when people offered specific help, rather than open offers of help - so things like - 'can I drop off some food for your freezer' or 'I do the school run every morning bar thursdays, so can always take X last minute, any time, just call' or 'You know we're handy with DIY, so if anything comes up in the house that needs doing, please let us take care of it' etc. The 'anything we can do' type offers were well meant but not something she found it easy to engage with or work out what she could then ask of who..

The other thing I think our whole family appreciated was people keeping in touch but with no pressure to call back. I remember those wonderful friends who left messages saying things like 'just calling as I'm thinking of you all and wondering how your day is. If you feel like a chat I'm here but don't worry about calling me back at all if that's not how you're feeling. I'll probably call again in the next few days'. Or who sent cards and notes with no pressure to respond at all.

You sound like a good friend.

I think your friend is very lucky to have you! A lot of people find it very difficult to know what to do or say to someone in your friend's position, and so kind of avoid the issue and sometimes even avoid seeing the person, not because they mean to be unkind but because they feel anxious and uncomfortable. This means people like your friend can end up feeling very isolated and unsupported. I think the fact that you're obviously so keen to support her and to think of ways to help her is an indication that you're probably actually doing everything you can. The ideas for practical help above are great, but I think the kindest and most sincere thing you can do is to be beside her for the whole journey; when she's tired, when she's angry, when she despairs, when she can laugh, and let her know that all of that is ok, that you're not judging her, that you'll be with her no matter how hard things become. If she knows that, she'll be able to tell you when she needs specific practical help. It sounds like you're doing all that anyway, and I just wanted to tell you that even if you feel a bit helpless and like you're not doing enough, IME of caring for a relative with cancer it was friends like you who managed to drag the family through to the other side!