Flat and angry

[Ludoole]

Dp has his appointment thursday where we will find out the full extent of his bowel cancer and how much it has spread.
We also find out if they will be giving him palliative chemo.

He seems to be handling things quite well (we talk a fair bit about his illness when he wants to).

I seem to have adopted a cheery positive attitude when talking to anyone about his illness but inside i alternate between feeling completely flat and raging with anger.

I hate that our longterm plans have been ripped away from us. I hate that other people we know dont understand how lonely this illness has made us. I hate people telling us to enjoy every moment together - how can we do that knowing that hes going to die???

I feel utterly selfish for venting about other people. I know they just dont understand or dont know what to say but neither do I...

I second Musicaltheatre's recommendation of Maggie's Centres. The best thing about them is that they are drop-in. so you could just go there one day and see if you are brave enough to go in; once you are in, you will feel as if you are at home. They are very easy places to be.

Im sure Maggies centres work very well for lots of people but I personally dont like talking face to face with people at the best of times, let alone about my deepest fears.
I hope the centres continue to help others and im so glad that there are services available. Its just not for me im afraid.

I don't think I can add a lot that's helpful but just wanted to say that I think your reaction to other people is very understandable and not selfish. It's a shitty situation you and your DP have ended up with. I hope the chemo works well for him.

I never liked talking face to face with strangers (or majority of people I know actually!) either. Just feels very uncomfortable. When I did try the counselling sessions I would come out feeling that it wasn't at all useful. I know many people have benefitted from it however it wasn't for me.

How is your DP today Ludoole?

theclock He's ok, thankyou for asking. His wound is granulating beautiful. Hes having trouble sleeping although hes exhausted. We asked his gp for some sleeping tablets but he prescribed tranquillisers that dp cant gave anyway due to his other medical condition myasthenia gravis.... we are changing doctors very soon....
How are you and your daughter getting on?

Chemo starts 24th sept. We are praying for 5 years but we'll see...fingers crossed !

My predictive text changed words
Beautiful=beautifully
Gave=have

Flipping phones probably got bloody cancer!!!