FIL has cancer - dont know where to start!

[vwcampervanfan]

Hi all, my FIL was diagnosed with cancer yesterday, it is widespread and untreatable and they have given him weeks/months to live. Please can you point me in the direction of practical advice to help him and my unwell MIL to get through this. We have lots of family support but just tips like what you use to give them a drink when lying down etc. We had the district nurse round this morning. I can't do a lot of googling as I am off work with tendonitis so could do with some easy links and/or publications I can get.

In particular, has anyone any tips re how to tell the DC (5 and nearly 3). We are catholic.

TIA

I'm so sorry to hear your news. I am in the same situation unfortunately, my dear dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer last week, he has weeks to live, and has been sent home to die. My mum is 81, and the strain is tough on her.

My advice is to try to take each day as it comes. For the first few days we were emotionally all over the place, so many questions to be answered, and no idea who to ask.

But gradually things have come together, and we are all now a bit calmer. Dad has carers in 4 times a day, and Mum can call them 24/7 if she needs help. Your FIL should be allocated a MacMillan nurse, it took about 6 days before we met her, but she has been great, and again gave Mum a number she can call 24/7 to get help or advice.

macMillan have a good website, including advice on how to tell children. I have three children, aged 12, 11 and 8. I decided just to be honest with them. Children very easily pick up when something is wrong, hushed conversations and brushed away tears just make them worry more IMO. Unfortunately death is a part of life, and you can't shield them totally from it, or it will become something secret, a scary thing not to be talked about.

It's a long tough road, but as a family you will come through this together. Sending hugs x

Thanks Budgie for your kind words and I'm sorry to hear you're in the same position x

DH wants to tell them that FIL is home but still v poorly then in a week tell them it's terminal, just to spread it out a bit IYSWIM. DS (3) won't understand but DD will to some extent, although she's had no experience of death yet. DD has been very clingy, she actually saw FIL doubled up in pain before he went to hosp last Sunday and I know she knows something's going on, esp since DH has been so upset today but trying to hide it. I will have to speak to DH but I can't help thinking it's best just to tell them everything now in case anyone says anything - they are seeing FIL tomorrow morn for first time since he went to hospital and someone is bound to get upset, he lives for his grandchildren. Have found a few good books on Amazon for them.

It's probably worth finding out who provides community palliative care locally it may be Macmillan it could be Marie curie or a local independent hospice. Most community palliative care teams have access to a social worker with additional training in how to talk to children about death & dying. You might also find that a specialist palliative care nurse would be a helpful addition to the district nursing team. Take care.

Thanks Wound. The district nurse mentioned Macmillan and there is also an excellent local independent hospice, although I'm not yet sure how they work with each other. I might give both a call.

I think that how much you tell the children and when will depend in how much they understand and how well you think they will deal with it.

I told my children straight away, and they know he will die, but they are older than your DCs, although this will be their first experience of the death of a loved one.

Personally I knew my kids needed to know, because I knew I'd be crying a lot, and they would probably guess anyway. I didn't want them to think I was lying to them about something so important.

The books are a great idea, I'll have to check them out

I've ordered a few books, they'll be too young for your DC's though Budgie.

I told the kids this morning, just that he was v poorly, then we took them to see him and it's the most animated I've seen him since he came home.

My DH is in pieces (understandably). What are his options re staying off work and medication? He refuses to go to the doctor for ADs (I'm on max dose AD's myself). How can I help him, he's really distant and always on verge of tears/crying. I know it's early days though but is there something he could have to take the edge off?

I know its a cliche, but your DH maybe just needs time to adjust and grieve. It feels like a loss already, I cried for two days solid after my dad's diagnosis. I thought I might never stop, and just getting through the day doing the basics was hard. 12 days on, and I do feel calmer. I'm a very emotional person, but the crying has eased to once or twice a day!

I can't really advise on work, as I am self employed, but if he is still in pieces after a few days, maybe some counselling would help? I think there is some info on Macmillan or Marie Curie websites.