friend with incurable cancer planning to not tell sons

[stella1w]

My friend who lives 3000 miles away has just been diagnosed with incurable cancer. She is planning to go through the treatment without telling her children about her diagnosis. I am the only person she has told. I have offered to go there to help her during her treatment but I have two young children so am guessing her doctors would not be happy about the infection risk.
I think her sons would like to know, they would want to help and knowing sooner rather than later would help them come to terms with the situation.
She doesn't want to tell her sons because she doesn't want to upset them.
How can I persuade her to tell her sons? They are bound to find out eventually and I think they will be devastated she didn't let them help or give them a chance to be there for her.

How old are they?

Of course she should tell them but it is her choice - however, not upsetting them now is a fairly silly reason not to tell them as they are bound to notice the effects of the treatment!

Actually, why are they bothering to treat her if it's incurable? Surely it will be just palliative care.

they can control the spread for quite a long time but not cure it.. she's hoping they won't notice the side effects. They are grown up.

If she's only just been diagnosed she is probably in shock, and her initial reaction to not tell her sons will probably change over the next few days or weeks. I would give her a little while to come to terms with things more before you start really trying to persuade her.

Of course you are right, she must tell them, but she may just not be ready yet.

Do you think she is possibly worried that they won't be supportive and she will feel let down by them?

I think I agree with lark. She may just need some time for it all to sink in, and may soon come to realise for herself that she needs to tell them.

I am sorry, though,

My sil did not tell her ds and dd that she had b

I will try again.

My sil did not tell her dcs that her cancer was terminal. They were aware that she was Ill but thought it was curable. They did not know until the day before she died. I think my bil regretted this decision. They did not want to not tell the dcs but just could not find the right time, not that there is a right time

My friend was not told his mum was dying until the last couple of days - and that was by a doctor who didn't realise. This was nearly 20 years ago and it still affects him now. He is a functioning alcoholic and has periods of depression. I hope your friend tells her sons but I don't think it is your place to tell her what to do. Very sad for you all

I agree she is in shock (she is being unnaturally calm about it). She knows her sons wd be supportive. She had breast cancer and they rallied round etc. She just doesn't want to upset them. But I think once the reality of the treatment sets in, she will have to tell them (I can't think how else she is going to manage a three week hospital stay). I won't try to persuade her..

Just give her some time, keep talking and she may soon change her perspective. Good that she has confided in you, step one. Is there a Macmillan equivalent where she is? If so they can provide support, counselling and help her find her way through this kind of issue. Hope you have support too, you must feel awful:(

Thumbwitch, why would you ever type that? Many life limiting conditions still respond to treatment although they may not be cured.