A thread for talking about death

[BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte]

Does anyone want to join me? Or is this all just a bit too much for all those non-lurkers on here.

I've just been told that, without surgery, my chances of death are rather significant. I knew that before, of course, but hearing it from a doctor makes it all the more un-ignorable. And I do know, too, that there's a significant likelihood of dying during the surgery, too.

I don't mind going to meet with God, but I can't face the prospect of leaving my delightful kiddies behind.

Anyone else...

Hmm - difficult subject and one that I'm unable to discuss from the same perspective as you I'm afraid.

dd has lived with a life-limiting condition. One that puts her at risk of sudden death even after surgery and indeed without surgery she had a less than 90% chance if surviving her first year. It is difficult to see it in black and white, to hear it from an expert, to live it.

However, what's the alternative? You can't change it, you have to make the best of what you have. Hobson's choice.

Your poor DD, and poor you. I was saying to a friend yesterday how glad I am that it is me as an adult facing this situation... I would find it much, much harder to cope with if it were one of my DCs.

Has she got surgery lined up?

Oops sorry, just re-read again what you wrote - has she had surgery?

She's had some surgery but some of it can't be sorted. She's very matter of fact about it which helps. I imagine it's different for her because it's how it's always been, she knows no different. I'm not saying she doesn't worry about it but worrying about it doesn't change it and she recognises that.

*Breastmilk" can't write from the same perspective either but I have lost my dd. My brother lent me a book called "The Tibetan book of Living and Dying" at Christmas and I am getting through it slowly. I am not a Buddhist, more of a Christian but I have found it helpful. One point the author makes is that we are all dying, just some more quickly than others. I did find this helpful in an odd way, I feel we will all end up together again and that death is in fact a rebirth of sorts.
One think I will say, is that since my daughter died, I have had signs to say that she is still around. Toys have moved on their own and I have asked for specific signs and got them. I do believe she can see me although I can't see her. If the worst happens and you do die too early, I do think you will be able to watch your dc's and influence what happens in their lives in a nice way. But obviously I hope you will live a long and happy life. I like your posts!

I'm so sorry to hear about your DD :(

Certainly, I find faith helps.

Hi breastmilk

I have metastatic breast cancer with lung secondaries . Last June I was given 2/3 years life expectancy .
I have 2 children , one aged 12 and one aged 8 .
I am having 8 weekly CT scans at the moment , and no more treatment untill it is needed (after having mastectomy , chemo and rads) .

At my last CT I was told that my lung nodules had started growing again , but not enough to warrant treatment right now .
So I am living on an 8 weekly cycle right now and waiting for the axe to fall .

I have been coping quite well untill my last scan told me that my lung nodules were growing again. Now I feel like I am having a major wobble .

I am only 42 , my children are still babies , I am not ready to leave them yet .
Have been through all of the above !
Not sure where/what to do now ?

I am not normally a whiner , just sometimes it gets on top of me .

Hi topsy

What an absolute nightmare... to have gone through so much treatment, and now to be living your life in 8 weeks segments.

Not surprised it's all getting on top of you.

How are you managing with the DCs?

The DC are very laid back about it all , mainly because they don't know about the secondaries .
They know about the initial breast cancer and surgery and subsequent treatment . I suppose I will have to think about telling them the rest soon .

I have been holding back because I don't want to lie to them . When I was given my initial diagnosis I was told it hadn't spread , so I told my DC I had cancer but with surgery and treatment I would be cured .

Now I am going to have to tell them that my outlook is terminal . And the thing is , no one can tell me what my time span will be . It could be 2/3 years , it could be less . It could be longer if I respond well to treatment .

And children don't deal well with abstracts like that . I know how hard it is for me to live under the hammer , I really don't want them to live like that too .

Hi
I'd be glad of some help from you here - though, I am heartily sorry that such a thread exists.

a good friend of mine has pretty much come to the end of cancer treatment. Not in remission. More chemo and surgery might be an option - but high risk. No treatment is, of course, also an option.

They have young kids, one in P1 and a preschooler.

It's been three long years of grim treatment. She's had months on end in hospital and been very, very poorly with chemo side effects - she's survived but has been left with neuritis, lethargy and crap lungs.

Her humour is in tact.

I want to be a good friend, but I have absolutely no idea about what she, and they as a family are going through.

So, folks - would you find it better for a friend to say something, no matter how clumsy, to acknowledge your predicament - or, nothing, for fear of stirring up something you are not ready to discuss?

She's not local to me, chats are via email/facebook. So, it is unlikely that we will meet up again. Not here, anyway.

Hoping you have all had a good day,
bests,
babyweight

I'm so sorry about your friend.

I think you ask a good question, and one that's probably best also asking in Chat or General Health, where you'll get more replies.

Personally speaking, it's a question I find hard to answer, because it depends on the friend in question. Most of the time, I would prefer people to acknowledge the predicament, and most of the time, I don't mind them being a bit clumsy or awkward about it. But with some people, there's only so much clumsiness or awkwardness I can take, and with such friends I'd rather just chat about mundane, irrelevant or everyday things. Yet given that you're even asking the question, to me this demonstrates that you're in the former rather than the latter group.

From my experience, things not to say to someone who is seriously ill may include

• haven't you decided whether you're having [X treatment] yet?
• are you sure that [Y symptom] isn't just stress-related?
• don't you think that you should try [Z]?
• if I were you, I would...
• I mean, I've never had your illness, but obviously I completely understand how you feel
• don't cry. I split a nail yesterday and am really upset too
• stop complaining about hospitals. My PFB banged his elbow at nursery yesterday and we had to spend a whole two hours in A&E and it was so awful
• my 97 year old great aunt had that treatment, and it extended her lifespan by a whole month, and she could even play bingo again too

Others may come up with other things to say/not to say, I'm sure...

Breastmilk I hope you are ok. I think of you often.

I have thought alot about dying recently. Brestmilk you very kindly messaged me before my tests if you recall.

I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital and got talking to a woman who has cancer. She had just been told how her treatment was going. She said she had played out in her head a 100 times how she was going to react if the doctor told her they could do no more for her. Which I have played over myself.

I have been struck by how much trivia there is in the world, that people get worked up about nothing and so many people (me included) miss what really matters.

My friend is hanging in there. But, it's very hard for her - she said something profound about having to look after everyone else's interests and anticpate the gap she was going to leave behind.

We had a good laugh about how, even when dying, mums don't get to come first.

I hope that today is a good one for you lot. And, that tomorrow is better.
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