Just need to talk

[Blef1974]

Ok, so I have known I was attracted to women since as long as I can remember. When I was at school and other girls swooned over the boys (or male teachers) I fancied the female teachers.I've always been attracted to slightly older women, and still am.

I met my exh when I was 17 and married him at 21 to prove I wasn't a lesbian. My aunt is, and my mum and dad have never been able to accept it. A violent marriage and two gorgeous dd's later I left. Again I wanted to try and be straight and fell pregnant with dd3, but the relationship with her daddy was non-existant.

I have had sex with a woman, and it felt right. I plucked up the courage and told my mum I was gay 3 years ago and she said "no you're not!" and has since refused to accept it.

My best friend (who lives 5 hours away) is the only person I have trusted to tell, apart from my mum. We have known each other 5 years, and I have been in love with her for about the past 4. But she is straight and i know that we will never have anything but a friendship. We are like sisters, we tell each other we love each other, we hug but I accept it will never go further.

However I fantasise about her. I have never told her this. I don't want to risk spoiling our friendship. I have been celibate for about 3 years now, not necessarily through choice per say but because I haven't met anyone.

I would love to be open about my sexuality. I am definitely not a girly girl, but I'm not butch either. I don't go to clubs and bars so have no idea of how to meet anyone. I know that me and my friend will never have the kind of relationship I would ideally want, i.e. A sexual one, but we have as close relationship in all other ways as any couple I know and so I can accept it staying as it is.

I guess I have to resign myself to a life of celibicy though. I cannot come out as gay, if my mum cannot accept it. I don't know where I would ever get to meet anyone anyway.

This post probably sounds quite waffling but I guess I just needed to let this all out.

Didn't want to leave this unanswered - I'm sorry your Mum isn't able to help you but if you have a lesbian aunt, can you not talk to her? Surely she would be able to sympathise/advise?

As for not being able to meet anyone, there are plenty of internet dating sites for same-sex relationships, there are ads in the paper - or you could go onto the LGBT website and join their mailing list.

Do try and get over your friend - as you say, it's not likely to come to anything but it's good that you can have a close relationship with her.

Aw belf - you are going through a hard time right now. I am not lesbian but my cousin is and one afternoon when she was single (some time ago) she showed me a website she uses called Gaydar which is basically an internet dating site. Although I am as straight as they come I still had a fun afternoon with my cousin looking through the various profiles while she picked out the ones she liked the look and sound of. It might be a site worth looking at for yourself. My cousin met her partner there and they have just bought a house together.

I think your friend sounds lovely and accepting of you just as you are. One of my best male friends is gay and has had similar issues to you in really liking friends who are straight. He is a psychiatrist and is busy analysing himself all the time. He thinks the reason he does this is because he fears his sexuality a bit so goes for people he knows he cannot have. I wonder if all the negativity you have experienced from your family is making you do the same.

Hi Blef. Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. You really must be between a rock and hard place if you feel like you can't come out as gay, if your mum cannot accept it.

There are other ways of meeting people besides going to clubs and bars. You might want to start by getting touch with the Lesbian & Gay Switchboard. You can phone them on 020 7837 7324 or have a look at the database on their website. They would be able to point you in the direction of a gay social group or even a gay parents group in your area.

Hi Blef, you sound so trapped and sad. It really doesn't need to be like that. Do follow up with Lesbian and Gay Switchboard, and you could also try the site Gingerbeer.

I agree with Sparks - you should maybe look for activities that are not sceney, and not focused on finding a sexual partner. Your top priority has to be finding some lesbian friends, so you can overcome your loneliness and find some affirmation and support in going forward. The girlfriend bit can come later.

Try buying Diva magazine, and checking out the listings at the back. Are you in a big city? If so, there will be loads of things to do. If not, you will still find something close by.

Best of luck xx

Second everything hester said.

Gingerbeer has a large, diverse group of lesbians (and bi women), many of whom meet up in real life. There are sections for those interested in dating, but perhaps your focus now should be on just getting to know some other lesbians first.

The situation with your mum sounds tough, but remember there are many gay and lesbian people who have found ways to be themselves despite similar family situations. It's not impossible, even though it may seem so sometimes.

Good luck

Thanks for the advice guys.

Just when I think things are going ok. My best mate has told me she has met a guy. I am heartbroken. I am really surprised that I feel so gutted, cos I know she is straight and there was never a chance for me and her.

She was so happy and giggly when she told me tonight. I knew this guy and her were talking but they went out today with their dc's, they have one each, and she told me that they kissed.

I told her I was pleased and I hoped things went well but I feel gutted. She deserves to be with someone nice, but now I am scared that I will lose her as my friend and confidant if she has a fella in her life.

I read this back and it sounds so selfish of me. I am delighted that she has someone who seems really nice. I also know that there has never been a chance of anything more than best friends between her and me.