Wife is pregnant - I am ignored

[PeachMelba78]

I am in a civil partnership and my wife is carrying our first baby. She is 4 1/2 months pregnant and we are very excited. My problem is that a few people have been very cruel to me (inadvertently I hope!) by saying I am 'not the mummy' saying I will surely 'take on a paternal role' and telling me I am not expecting a baby sice I am not the one who is pregnant. Obviously the main people - myself, my wife are very happy with our relationship, and our midwife has been great. Our donor is a good friend of ours and he is always asking after us both and is excited for us.
I don't think I want any advice as such but it would be great to hear from someone in my position rather than the one who is carrying - my wife is very supportive but she doesn't have the hurtful comments first hand (I do tell her though, but they are aimed at me)

FlatpackassemblyDiva thank you so much for responding! It is just so nice to have someone in the same position as me! I am a very girly girl, and my wife is fairly girly, so we are both going to have a mummy role. I don't intend to be a daddy or father figure in any way!
We haven't been to the antenatal as yet but we are going to an all-female group so it should be OK.
I always think if I was in a hetero couple and adopting then people wouldn't be so rude!
I know that it is very new to most people and they don't know how to react but it is so hurtful to be basically told 'you don't matter right now'. My wife bless her has told me she couldn't do it without me and I know she will be a brilliant support when it comes to me trying to conceive.
I have been in tears a few times as I work in an 'old boys school' type workplace and some of the comments and cold shoulders I got when I announced the pregnancy, coupled with the ignorant comments thereafter just got me upset!
You must be so excited to be expecting twins - I am a twin so I know how much trouble they can be and also how much fun they will have together!

Being a twin is great - at the moment she is also pregnant so it is hormones a-go-go round us!
The antenatal class we have been booked into is one for single mothers(!) but our midwife said we could go to it. Not sure what will happen - we picked that one as it didn't interfere with my partners work (a bit naughty really!)
My partner is only 1 year older than me but we have been asked if we are sisters which is weird as we really don't look alike. People are strange!
I haven't had anyone say 'you don't matter but some people came out and said 'Oh, tell your wife congratulations.' I was all 'Erm what about me?' To their faces I must add. This was a gay man too! Other people have said 'Oh how is the Mummy?' and when I say I am the Mummy too 'Oh no, not yet, she is the Mummy.' Grrr!

We are going to go with the same donor if we have another one, he has said that is fine. He is such a sweetie and he doesn't want to donate for anyone else, just our little family . I never had a desire to bear a child either until I saw my wife pregnant and that changed things.

I know you havn't got long to gop but I hope the birth is an easy one for you both and the twins are happy and healthy!

Hi PeachMelba, and congratulations on your pregnancy (yes, yours too!)

I know you said you wanted to hear from people in your position, and not biological mothers, but as I'm here and my dp isn't, I'm just going to express my sympathies. My dp went through exactly the same and I know it was very painful for her. And continued to be, exacerbated by being a different racial origin from our dd, so everybody always asks if she's the nanny.

It is REALLY painful, and you will probably go through lots more of the same, and I'm so sorry for that.

Sorry to heap on more bad news, but I noticed you saying you are both going to have a mummy role. Quite right, but one thing that has happened with all the lesbian parents I know is that they expected to occupy the same role in relation to their child, and were really shocked when the child didn't accept that. Most times, the biological mother - who was breastfeeding and usually on longer maternity leave - became intensely close to the child and the non-biological mother felt very left out.

This may be easier if you have twins, I don't know. And I'm not telling you to freak you out, because the good news is this: it's absolutely natural for children to want their parents to occupy different roles, not have two identikit parents. I DON'T mean gender roles - I'm not suggesting you play daddy - but understand that your children will want you to bring different things to the relationship, and will play you off against each other, and at various times may be quite rejecting to one of you.

In our case - and I think this is quite a common pattern - our dd definitely preferred me when she was a baby. It was tough for my dp, but she persevered and gradually built a very special relationship with our dd, quite distinct from how I act out being mum (they are very physically close, and talk all the time, and play brilliant games together - I am project-manager-and-grazed-knees mummy). Right now I am definitely the third wheel in the relationship: our dd REALLY prefers being with her non-biological mother. And that's ok, because I know she loves me too, and right now she just needs more of what her other mother has to give her.

I wish we'd known 4 years ago how this would work out, then I think it would have been easier for us both - and particularly my dp - to feel calm and positive about our unfolding relationships as a family. Babies are programmed to love their parents, and yours will love you. That will bring you such joy, and be a huge consolation for the shit and nonsense we all have to put up with from the outside world.

Sorry that was so long. I do like a rant

Hester thanks for replying. Our donor actually looks a little more like me then my wife and so hopefully we won't have anyone asking awkward questions - I think I would struggle with that! I really feel for your partner .
I am not expecting to have exactly the same relationship with our child - I am definitely the girly one, who does all the cooking and household stuff, whereas my partner is a more tomboyish type who likes messy play - she is also a qualified nanny so I will be taking a lot of tips from her! My wife will only take 4 months off as maternity leave and I will be in sole charge of our baby 2 days a week which will give us more time to bond, plus I am saving up my holidays as we speak!
Basically what I am trying to say is that I don't expect to be in a specific role other than I will be Mummy and not Daddy! That is the really important thing for both of us, just as we are not husband and wife we are wife and wife.

Peach - I'm the non-bio mum of a 16 mo DD. I suspect that I might get flamed for what I'm about to say, but you are going to need to grow a slightly thicker skin. Remember that many of the people that you are meeting and talking to about your baby (congratulations, btw) are responding and processing the idea of a lesbian couple with a child at the same time. Their comments might seem a bit off to you, but you have had a long (or longish) period to think about all these questions and issues - they haven't. In my experience (and I live in Ireland, where lesbian parents are rarer than in parts of the UK) I've had confusion, puzzlement, uncertainty, but absolutely no hostility. I'm not saying at all that it isn't painful - but it's your job to educate them - again, taking offence where none is meant doesn't really help this process ime.

DD looks nothing like me, but I really don't mind - I often say that the only thing we don't share is DNA, and I feel to the bottom of my heart that my relationship with her is all the more precious for being founded on pure love - not biology, not hormones, just love. I also used to enjoy coming out to people by announcing 'my partner's expecting a baby in January'

I would say that as others have said, the early days are difficult - esp if DP is breastfeeding - I didn't want to do it (I find it odd that non-bio mums get jealous ), but I did struggle with the fact that I couldn't help her (although I sort of did, by ensuring proper support, lots of drinks and meals and doing everything else so that she could just feed). Once the baby is a bit older, this will pass - remember that your kid will not realise that you are not biologically related for some time, by which time your bond will be very securely established indeed.

I don't want to cause offence, but sometimes I think we expect a lot of other people and rush to condemn rather than to inform.

We also have a known donor who looks nothing like me...

ps - pregnancy sucks...she needs all the attention she can get

Driving Miss Crazy thank you for your comments. It is great that you are able to take the comments and for the most part I am able to take them - but every so often I do get a comment - which upsets me. I don't feel it is necessary for me to grow a thicker skin, all I wanted was to have a moan with people would were going through the same thing I am.
I don't mind when people are uneducated and I always spend time trying to educate them in a friendly and polite fashion, I would never be rude or upset in someone's face as I do realise these comments are for the most part borne out of ignorance.
However I am allowed to get upset and feel hurt that people are not recognising me as an equal partner, especially when they have never actually met my wife! And I won't apologise for that.

I personally feel that we are both expecting a baby, the child will be bourne into our family and will take our joint surname.

I would not codemn someone for making a comment that to me seems crass and insensitive, but at the same time it doesn't mean that I am not going to be hurt - knowing something logically and responding illogically is part of human nature.

I expect my wife to get attention and support, and she does get that, but she is enjoying the pregnancy - not everyone feels that it 'sucks'

peach I think the things you feel and have experienced are fairly common to non-bio mums - and I am sure you are helping other people to understand your situation. I just think that it is easier for people to 'get' when there is an actual baby and it is you pushing her/him around, playing with them etc. I think the way you feel is very common to all non-pregnant partners, including dads - it's just that dads have a whole jokey bloke culture to help them deal with it and we don't.

And all I meant was that unless you are one of those blessed people who blooms during pregnancy it's generally a pretty uncomfortable experience (the sleepless nights start long before the baby is born!) - obviously it's all in a good cause - I do think the physical part of it is really distinctive. Of course you are both expecting a baby, it's just that just because your experience of it is inevitably slightly different doesn't mean that you won't both be devoted and delighted parents.

I should probably explain that unlike in the UK (which is where I assume op is based) as a non-bio mum I have no legal role as a parent here, so perhaps my sensitivities are directed to the (to me) very real issues around legal relationships, inheritance, what would happen to my family if something happened to me (DP is currently a SAHM and I am the sole earner), the fact that they would not get a penny of the pension I've been paying into for the last 16 years etc etc. At least in the UK these issues have largely been resolved (but I think with a KD he will have to waive his parental rights for you to have them IYSWIM), and you are incredibly lucky to live somewhere where your relationship to your child is protected and acknowledged in law. In the context where I am a legal stranger to my daughter (whose conception I was at, who I helped to deliver, whose cord I cut etc etc) I guess I am perhaps a little less concerned about stupid comments made by silly people - although the 'you're not a mother' snipe does seem pretty outrageous (mind you, my own mother spent the first 3 months saying that DD wasn't my child ). She came round in the end...I only meant, be proud of yourself and don't let these people into your head any more than you have to. Good luck

flatpack thanks for that - and for the support. It's a long and complex issue, but the long and short of it is that the proposed civil partnership bill makes no mention of children. I'm actually English, and we have talked about moving to the UK, but any adoption wouldn't be recognised here anyway.

A good friend of mine always uses the washing powder analogy - bio/non-bio, just different ways of doing the same thing. I have to say, I think of it very positively, as an incredibly special commitment that you make to a child. It is also sometimes a bit weird - my DP has a large family and sometimes I realise that I am the only one in a family photo who is NOT related to DD. But they don't make that distinction.

about your parents - do you think that they will come around? babies are pretty amazing like that - my mum really loves DD now and actually said that she was a very lucky little girl! does your DP have family support? I think it's really helpful (not just practically) if you do for the kids growing up. We are very very lucky that way, and any one of them would go to court to allow DD to stay with me if anything happened to DP (at least I think so!)

5 weeks to go! wow! do you know if they are identical, or fraternal? so exciting - summer babies! lovely (ours was born in Jan on a snowy night)

I think that people's attitudes are really terrible, hopefully though as time goes by and they see how great you're both doing with your baby they will change. I can't believe one insensitive person you mention was a gay man, but it just goes to show, people are all different no matter what their orientation, doesn't mean they might not be super conservative and narrowminded.

You know though I bet he was just jealous.

Don't let other people's ignorant attitudes spoil what is going to be a very special time in your and your babies life. Hold onto every moment of it, they grow so quickly.

You just look forward to the good things you have coming your way

PS - I know you don't want advice, I just couldn't help myself because my best of twenty years , and his partner has had to put up with similar stuff and it really gets to me.

No first-hand experience, but one of my sisters is in a civil partnership and they are planning to have DC. Just want you to know I never thought of it as anything but two mums and that it would be both of them expecting. I hope you get some nicer comments along those lines! Yes, being pregnant physically is something you have to experience to know what it's like, but people don't tell a dad-to-be in a straight relationship that he's "not expecting" - he is. As are you!

flatpack - in that situation I think you are probably right - I had a very problematic coming out process with my mother too - and this went on for years and years. Eventually I gave her an ultimatum, either she started treating me like a human being, or I would never see her again - I am an only child, so then she had to get her head around it. I'm sure she doesn't like it still, and is terribly disappointed that I didn't biologically have a child (too old now), but things are much better than they were. But only you can make that judgement call - ironically DP's family (her mum in particular) have been far more supportive than mine - but that's just the way of it, I guess

PeachMelba78, your baby is so lucky, I don't know how many times our dd has said (despite having a completely devoted dad) that she wants two mummies, it's just that they especially love their mummies. And you little one will have exactly that!

Wow everyone thanks for all your posts! I am feeling a lot happier about the situation and I realise that I am in a great situation legally - especially as in the UK if a man donates to a lesbian CP couple, as long as he doesn't do it the 'traditional' way then the person who is automatically named on the birth certificate is me!
I think I am reacting to things a lot more as I have been so tired lately, I have been working hard at work and doing all the cooking and 90% of housework, as well as helping my wife with her business which I wouldn't do usually! Plus I have gone into 'nesting mode' and have been driving my wife mad with trips to IKEA and the like!
It is interesting that we all have such different experiences, I am lucky in many ways as I have a great family who see this child as a great blessing.
This week we are going to hopefully find out if we are having a girl or a boy - very excited!