Any gay families with only child?

[guineagents]

Hi there,
Am new to mumsnet and was posting on only child site and just wanted to post here.

Was wondering how many gay families out there with only 1 child and how you came to the decision. I have a 3 year old DS and think am coming to terms that he will probabaly be an only child. As much as I love him I find parenting exhausting and a real drain on my patience if im honest and feel a really crap mum for admitting that.

My parter is not keen on another child and I guess as a lesbian couple I feel a bit worried that my son will feel even more isolated growing up as an only child with 2 mums.

I know this is no reason to have another just wish I could take these worries away..

hi - welcome

yes, we are gay mums with only one child (DD, 16 months); we would like another but used a known donor whose partner is not keen (can't quite get to the bottom of why) - I was very pissed off at first, but he's a lovely guy trying to juggle lots of things, and he gave us a wonderful wonderful gift - so I don't think we can push it. Even if he changes his mind, we might be too creaky to manage it. I've struggled with this too.

In other ways though, it's probably ok - we're financially pushed, have lots going on etc. etc. She is sociable, will make friends and will be really embarrassed by us . I'm an only and didn't want this for her, although it does have tons of upsides. At the end of the day, he will have to fight his own battles, and there's no guarantee that any sibling would help. Much worse to do it 'for him' and then find that it put you all under stresses you couldn't handle. Key thing is to make sure that he has lots of friends and family around him, and that they understand his situation. Even if he had a sibling I bet at some point he would feel different/lonely/weird. We've had the same discussion - but so many things feed into having another, and this is only one.

You sound pretty sure about it to me! Some people can tolerate the noise/mess/chaos of tons of kids, and some can't. The trick is to know which category you're in and act accordingly. He'll be fine!

Guineagents, your post made me sad. You sound like you're really beating yourself up over this. I really, really don't think you should feel guilty about not having another child. You are absolutely doing the responsible thing to acknowledge that your resources are already stretched enough. In the circumstances, it wouldn't be fair to your ds to have another child.

Personally I think siblings can be overrated - I shared my over-stretched single mum with two of them and honestly think my childhood would have been better without them. (I love them now, but frankly I still think that doesn't outweigh the conflict, jealousies and sheer not-enough-to-go-roundness of childhood.) For reasons I won't go into, we were pretty ostracised as a family and having brothers didn't help with that - we were all just lonely and isolated, cooped up together, unable to provide each other with comfort or support.

I have one child and am about to adopt another, but I'm very aware that I'm doing that because I want to. I have no idea whether it will suit my dd to have a sibling or not.

You can of course make sure your son grows up knowing other kids with 2 mums. Are you in touch with any lesbian mothers groups?

But the most important thing here is your feelings about being a crap mum and the level of worry you're having in relation to this issue. Do you have these feelings a lot? Are you and your partner working well as a team? Do YOU need more contact and support from other lesbian mothers?

hester you said all of things I meant to and didn't ; great post

thanks guys,your posts were really helpful and thought provoking.
drivingmisscrazy- we are in a sinilar position to you in that I had a donor planned who has now changed his mind ( think cos he's with new partner now). Its so hard isnt it. I remember the day he told me and I just cried. He is the biological father to my son so just feels weird now to use a anonomous donor and dont know how this would affect the child/children. Somedays I think i wish I had used a clinic form the offset and wouldnt have to be dealing with this, rather than relying on a guy which hasnt worked out I think if id used a clinic I wuld have had 2 kids with same donor with less worries..

Hester I know what yr saying is so true. I had a half brother who I never see now though effectively grew up an only as he was 14 years older.Was in touch with a lesbian mums group but havent been for ages. My partner is really great and v supportive. I think I only feel a crap mum cos others seem to cope with lots of kids but my patience can only strecth to one

x

guinea sounds like our situations are exactly the same! we don't feel that it would be fair to go down the clinic route - and have one DC who saw dad regularly and one who didn't know who dad was - wouldn't be fair on DD's dad, either, who we like very much. We just have to respect his decision in the end - the one-child family thread is full of (straight/married) people for whom more than one child didn't work out, and they didn't have the additional obstacle of having to find some sperm! MN full of people fretting about size, shape and composition of their families - not just a gay thing!!

But your DS sees his dad, right? Maybe I got that wrong. We have finally got our heads round it - once you stop imagining that it might happen then you can accept your wonderful family as it is. We think of not having another as the price we paid for setting her up with what we think is the best situation for her - knowing and having a relationship with her dad. And so it goes.

drivingmisscrazy- sound exactly how we feel!Have gone over and over the clinic thing in my mind and still dont know. At the end of the day I would use a clinic if i felt compelled to increase our family as feel there are lots of blended familes out there where, e.g one sibling has a dad on the scene and another doesnt. I dont think this would necessarily be a prob for the child if handled well. But bit complicated and maybe im getting too old for handling such complexities! e.g the thought of having to support a teenager who maybe wanted to find his/her dad..

yes my son see his dad every week and we get a much needed break, another reason I think our life would change v much if we added another.

Hope im not speaking out of turn,. but I think yr being v generous saying u wouldnt have another to save yr DD dad's feelings. I certainly wouldnt give a thought to my sons dad as feel this is none of his business especially after he said no,after initially saying he would donor, but then we dont, sadly, have a great relationship.

Do u ever wish ud used a cliic? I get 100% what yr saying about the price paid for the set up. I wanted my kiddo to know his/her dad and that was a priority for me. Sometimes I feel jealous though of lesbians who have gone down traditional clinic route tho.
x

you're not speaking out of turn at all - it's just that we have a very good relationship with him, and at the end of the day he has still given us this unimaginably huge gift. We also feel that our continuing good relationship with him is more important for our DD's welfare than pushing for another child. I went through a long period of being very angry with him, and his partner (who I also like) - but I'd hardly go and make such a huge decision if my DP was iffy about it, so can't really expect it of him. But we do have a good relationship - and I think he feels very very torn between 2 things that he can't in the end reconcile. I would feel awful if what we wanted spelled the end of his relationship - he really loves this guy, who he wants to be on board.

I don't think that you should feel jealous of those who've done the clinic route - I have felt like that (after all, these relationships are complex and require constant input and negotiation), but I'm afraid that I see it as 'pay now, or pay later' - I lost my father in childhood and I so so so didn't want my kid to feel that absence, or to develop some kind of fantasy figure. It is complicated - but so are children. It's funny - this last post of yours seems to get to the nub of the matter - if you feel that strongly and its not an issue with your child's father, then maybe you should just go for it? I would, I think, if I didn't think that it would mess up DD's relationship with her dad (who she adores, already )

I am not a gay parent, but have lots of friends who are. Of the two families I am closest to, one family is two dads with 6 !!!! adopted children and the other is two moms with one adopted child. The family with 6 kids have a mixture of kids some with the same mother whom they have contact with and some different mother and with no contact with biological parents. I think the kids in both families are happy loved children who have amazing parents.
You have to do what is right for you and that makes you a good parent because you recognize your limitations which makes you a happier more capable parent.

And just to add...I'm sure it's a little different in the UK, but here in Los Angeles, kids are exposed to so many different types of family units that having two moms is not going to make a child feel isolated or different. In fact, here's a little story for you... The other day I was watching Glee with my kids and an ad came on with some actress (no idea who) and my dd (age 7) says "eeyuu, that's the girl who kissed another girl" and I say something along the lines of "well that's ok if she kisses another girl" and dd says "but mommy, she kissed her ON THE LIPS" and then I launch into an explanation of how that's ok and sometimes girls like girls and sometimes they like boys and that's all ok and then I point out that she knows girls who like girls like her friend X's moms and that's ok.... At this point dd looks at me like I am spouting absolute nonsense and says "but mommy, THEY are MARRIED!" and of course, I had forgotten, that in dd's world, it didn't actually matter what the genders of the kisser and kissee are, just as long as they were married!

Ha, SofiaAmes, thats so true! Kids dont care as much as we think sometimes!

drivingmisscrazy, i can totally see why you wouldnt want to push yr DDs dad if he is unsure. The last thing u want is to cause probs and it sounds like yr Dd has good relationship with her daddy I guess I was more thinking would you not use a clinic/anonomous donor? Like surely this wouldnt be anything to do with DDs dad, but yr decision about extending yr family with yr partner? Im still in 2 minds myself. Just had great hour with a hairdresser who was extolling the positives of having an only child- she has one son too!!

x

Hi guys,
Just joined, my partner and I would like to meet other lesbian mums.
My partner has a 5 year old.
We would like to increase our circle of friends. We live in Elsree and loughton, and work in london. Are you interested in meeting ...
we would like to hear from you.

Hey all.
Im Netty and I have a 9 yr old daughter from a previous relationship.
I have been out for 6 years and married (YEY! :)) since July last year.

Unfortunately our issue is my DD hates my wife. She didnt until recently and she has admitted its because she is jealous of her and she wants me for herself.
Shes always been the only child around so the only child thing is definately an issue.
Myself and my wife cant wait to have another child, with her carrying, but we cant bring another life into this world when we are having so many problems with our 9 yr old.

Were looking for other gay parents in the Cheltenham/Glos area to chat to and meet. Im hoping that maybe if our daughter meets other children from a lesbian relationship that it will help.

Any advice or ideas anyone can give us is VERY much appreciated!!

xx

Hi there,

I hope you don't mind me posting on the forum, but I am doing some research for an independent TV company in London. We want to make a documentary about lesbian mothers, and their children, examining the ups and downs, and the response from their surrounding friends, family, schools and communities.

I think it is important that we find people who are willing to talk about their experiences, to share their knowledge and understanding with the viewing public. Such a programme would offer support and information to people going through the same thing, but also to educate people about the love and stability that these children receive, and in a way, make it more widely accepted and understood.

If you are interested in finding out more, please contact me on 020 7100 3365 for a very informal chat, or email us at [email protected].

I hope to hear from you!

Many thanks,
Litsa.

Hi there,

I hope you don't mind me posting on the forum, but I am doing some research for an independent TV company in London. We want to make a documentary about lesbian mothers, and their children, examining the ups and downs, and the response from their surrounding friends, family, schools and communities.

I think it is important that we find people who are willing to talk about their experiences, to share their knowledge and understanding with the viewing public. Such a programme would offer support and information to people going through the same thing, but also to educate people about the love and stability that these children receive, and in a way, make it more widely accepted and understood.

If you are interested in finding out more, please contact me on 020 7100 3365 for a very informal chat, or email us at [email protected].

I hope to hear from you!

Many thanks,
Litsa.