my amazing DD

[iwastooearlytobeayummymummy]

My DD (21) is beautiful, extremely intelligent, kind, caring and btw lesbian.
But sadly has never had any sort of proper relationship.

There was brief flirtation when she was 16 and last year her heart was broken by a bi house mate, who, in true victorian melodrama toyed with her affections, but led her on and then dumped her cruelly, when a guy came on the scene.grr !!
(you never stop being a tigress preotecting your young!)

My concern is how she will actually ever met someone special?
She is an undergrad at London's most gay friendly Uni but really dislikes the clubbing scene, and the cliques in LGBGT soc
.
She spends time with old het school mates, preferring a quiet drink or a movie.
She has become ever more reclusive, often doing things she likes on her own, but has told me she wants to meet other woman but not in a gay club setting.

She is also about to see the GP about long standing depression.
I know I will have to very subtle in this area, as FGS she is a grown up, but I really would appreciate any advice, and also reassurance for an anxious mum.

If she has never had a proper relationship, whatever that is, how can she or you be sure she is lesbian?

Advice: don't get involved in your dc's lovelives.

thanks elastic
Well, she says she is, she feels she is and she has never been interested in guys.
I'm not 'getting involved',or God forbid,comtemplating fixing her up with someone,and she would be motified if she knew I had posted here,but she is, well,lonely and depressed.
And I am also being a saddo by looking for reassurance that one day she will find someone special.

No one can give you that assurance (without lying). But you can send her to the gp about the depression. You can be there for her - as I am sure you are. Perhaps you could try phoning a mental health charity and having a chat with some one who knows something about depression.

Also elastic
this is not something I can talk to anyone about in RL because my RL friends have much younger children and are not at this stage in the parenting 'cycle'
If your own DC are still quite small I expect you find my position hard to comprehend too.

she off to see the GP this week, and is going to ask for some counselling too, so hopefully this will help.

She might not ever find some one special - but that doesn't mean she won't ever be happy. I have a brother, and a sil who are both single and have never had a partner. Neither of them have even dated any one that the family have known about. They are both quite happy though.

She WILL find someone special.

But, if you are going to help her at all it should be to resolve the depression, to find her interests and her passions, to have ambition, to do something - try a new sport or a hobby, travel, volunteer, etc. etc...the rest will follow.

Leave the relationships part to resolve itself, would be my advice.

OP, as your DD is in London there are scores of activity-based L&G groups she could join to up her chances of meeting potential partners - sporty, cultural, discussion groups, whatever. I should think she'd be aware of this, but if not, you might mention it casually ... lots of info available on London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard's info database here.
21 is still very young, sometimes Ms Right shows up much later - doesn't mean she can't have good times in the meantime - but I do understand you are concerned re depression and I hope your DD gets some help with this.

"She WILL find some one special."

How can you be so sure? You don't even know her.

elastic, you're right.

I can't be sure and I don't know her.

I guess what I was trying to say was that..she will probably find someone special, or even several someone specials.

But in the meantime, tis best to help and support her dd in solving her depression and finding friends, interests, passions, goals...all that stuff. IMHO a "someone special" is no substitute for those things - and that goes for any young person - no matter what their sexuality.

Thank you Mumonthenet. And may I add that physical exercise is a great way to combat depression, esp if done in the open air.

thanks for your replies

I did consider asking MN to pull this thread, as I would hate DD to discover it inadvertently when using my laptop, but then thought it may be helpful to others.

I'm sure I sound like a mumzilla, and too involved, but the concerns I have expressed here I have never disclosed to DD as this is my 'issue' and I don't want to add my concerns into the mix iyswim.

I did approach FFLAG a few years ago but it wasn't what I needed at the time.Perhaps I will call them again.

OP - has your DD heard of the queer youth network? they organise socials for LGBT young people - some are club-based but lots are just picnics in the park & that kind of thing. i know the co-ordinator for london & south east through stewarding at pride & she is lovely, i'm sure she would make your DD feel welcome if she were to join & go along to a meet.

(& volunteering for things like stewarding at pride might be another way she could meet people. the disabled access team is very friendly (DP runs it ))

I wish you'd been my mum when I was a young lesbian

I agree that her focus should be on combatting the depression. She could also seek friends through one of the many lesbian activity groups around,. If she could keep her focus on just enjoying hanging out with other lesbians, rather than meeting 'the one', she'll find it a lot less stressful.

Be reassured that she is in London. She won't be able to avoid meeting lesbians! And, when she's ready for it, she'll probably find one to have a relationship with. Best of luck to her.