I want kids, partner might not

[padraig]

First of all hi, I'm new to this site. I'm Pad (I'm a guy, I'm not sure exactly how many there are on here!) and I've actually wanted kids as long as I can remember. The problem is, my partner doesn't know if he wants them too.

I love my partner, but having children is just something I feel I need to do. And he's known that for ages, I told him when it looked as if we were getting serious.

The thing is, I'm still quite young (22), but he's 31, and although I don't mind waiting (well I don't want kids in the next 2 years anyway for sure) I also don't want to wait so long that he's much older. And then there's the possibility he decides he doesn't want them at all.

We had a talk about this a month or two ago, didn't go very smoothly (he reiterated he wasn't sure, I said I'm going to have children whether he wants to or not, bad times).

I don't know what to do

How long have you been with this guy? And to be honest do you feel this is ever something that you will be on the same page with?
And can I just also say - great to see some guys on here!

Oh yeah, I meant to add that. We've been together about 2 and a half years. I've had my doubts about the relationship (i.e. seperate to this kids issue) but I love him and can't see myself with anyone else.

And yeah I know that it's still early for me to be thinking about kids, both in relation to our relationship and in relation to my age, but it's a very important issue for me so it does matter now. I mean if it turns out that he does not want to be a father, that's a bridge I'd rather cross now rather than later down the line.

Ok honey - yep you are young - but wanting children is never something that will change as you get older.
And also as a mother if it is something that you want then please do not deny yourself of this.
I think the very fact that you have posted this means that you probably know what you should do but you want someone else to say that it is ok.
You need to have that final serious chat and if he still really feels that he does not want to be a father then you know what you should do.
Also I'm curious - what drew you to a site called mumsnet!!

Well the good thing is you don't have the biological pressure that women do so try not to stress about time going by too much.
It's early days in your relationship, and as long as your partner isn't saying it's a total no go, you can keep talking about it.
Putting pressure on for a firm answer now is going to end up very near an ultimatum.
Be very sure that your willing to hear a NO before you do that.

Well I don't want to hear a NO but at the same time I don't want to brush this under the rug and wind up back at square one in 3/5/10 years time. I love him and I don't want to break up with him but if it is going to happen I'd rather it happened sooner and not later.

It's difficult, because on the one hand I want him to have an answer now, but on the other hand I don't want him to say yes just to please me. Obviously having kids when one parent doesn't want to is not a good idea.

Also there's the issue with his own mother who died last year. Before she died she told him she thought he shouldn't ever have kids because she thought all children needed a mother. This really upset him, and even though she later told his father that she spoke rashly and was wrong (she apparently was estranged with her own mother) she didn't get a chance to tell him that herself before she died. I think because of this he really doubts that he'd be able to make a good father (which I know he would).

Yeah it's a bit long and complicated, sorry!

As for why mumsnet, well it's pretty famous, and it's not like there's a dadsnet!

So sorry about your partners mum, comments like that can have a terrible effect on your self confidence.
Maybe he just needs time to believe that he can do the whole parenthood thing.
I know it took me long enough.

Totally agree that going ahead with anything while he's unsure would be a bad idea.

As to whether you should stay with him, only you can know that , not being much help am I?

Lol well I knew before posting that there wasn't going to be a right answer, I guess this topic is more of a venting than anything else.

If only there was a manual for relationships.

Vent away, I love a good vent.

Vent over. It's just not something I've been able to talk about much, kinda difficult to bring it up in conversation with friends.

I'm such a weirdo though, I think about having kids so much. And it's always been clear that my partner is really not sure about it. Every once in a while I'll make a flippant comment about having kids (along the lines of "well if I ever have kids I'm never doing " or whatever, I do not do this often btw) and he either just skates past the topic or gets uncomfortable.

I mean we've talked about our relationship and he's made it clear he's "in it to win it" if you know what I mean (i.e. marriage), but he can't commit to having kids.

And I'm just repeating myself again. Sorry, I'm just typing what's coming into my head. Blarg.

Oh actually he did mention shortly after the big talk we had that he might be willing to be a foster parent. I wonder if that was him trying to compromise?

Sigh. I'll try talking about it again soon.

You could foster, to sort of get your feet wet, you know? That'd be a good idea when the time's right.

To be perfectly honest I don't know that fostering is something I would want. And if I ever did go for it I've always thought it would be something I'd do after having my own kids first (adoption, surrogacy, whatever).

Hmm, I see. That makes sense, it's tough thing and certainly not for everyone.

I have a good friend who's going through this now, he wants kids in his early 30's (basically in the next few years or so)and his partner thinks that's too soon, if ever.

You are young, so it'll be awhile before you need to think too seriously about it, but if you really want to be a father it's not something I think you should compromise on.

I don't know, fostering when you're not sure about your prospects of having your own kids might be a very bad idea.
Could be very distressing when the placement ended.

I know I'm young, but having kids is something I know I want. My friends whom I've talked to have said I shouldn't think about it now, but how can I not?

To be honest I do sometimes feel like I'm too young to be in this relationship, but on the other hand it's not something you can plan is it? The thing is I just don't feel like this is something I can compromise on, I mean I wanted to do a lot of things like live abroad which realistically aren't going to happen now.

**ing timing. Damn you fate.

And yeah if he doesn't want kids then fostering is unlikely to be a compromise for me.

It's not something you can compromise on. You either have children or you don't. Fostering is a very important role but it's not fair to anyone to use it as the booby prize because one if you doesn't want children.

You are young, but you feel how you feel. If you guys are talking about marriage (you're young for that too) then the children conversation has to be happening at the same time.

Both adoption and surrogacy can take a long time and be expensive. Even while young it would be prudent to be thinking about preliminary plans for becoming parents.

You're not in any rush, so have a think about these other issues you mention, plus this intractable one, and decide if you can be in this relationship "to win it"

I have a very close friend who comnpromised (ie denied) the kids issue, now she is sad, she pretends she isn't but I know, she is always with my dc and makes the best aunty ever, she would have been a great mum but she chose to stay with someone because she loves him so much and not having kids ever is the price she has to pay for that.
When dh and I first got together we had the conversation very early on, ie I want kids if you don't then we need to finish this before anyone gets attached. obviously you are past t5his oinbt, the best thing is to keep talking, find out why he is not bothered, explain why you are. that kins of thing.

I don't know, how much talking can you do about the same thing before it becomes destructive to the relationship?

I would say you are better to have a big conversation, see where that leads and then stop talking about it for a while. If he's not sure constant talk about children is just putting pressure on him. If not being able to talk about it all the time makes you sad then you are probably looking at ending things.

I was in a similar position to you. I wanted children and my husband did not. We talked about it a bit and then I realised I had to decide if I would be willing to sacrifice my desire to have children for the relationship.

That's pretty key as you don't want to carry on in an otherwise great relationship and grow to resent your partner b/c of differing on this issue.

He may change his mind, but really ask yourself how you will feel in 20 years time if he never does.

Good luck!