'Only child' issue for lesbian parents?

[chachamum]

My partner and I have one dd, aged nearly 2, and we are having discussions about whether to consider a second child, although we both have reservations about whether we could cope with, or afford another baby. While we are very positive about our identity as lesbian parents, we sometimes wonder if it will be easier for our dd if she is not an only child, if she does feel 'different' because of having two mums, when she is a bit older? Just wondered what other lesbian parents, particularly of older children who ask about why they have two mums, think about this issue?

Lordy, I don't know. I'm a lesbian mother of a 4-year-old, and we are hoping to adopt soon, but tbh we're doing that for us as much as for her. My strong instinct, though, is that this isn't a good enough reason to have a child you don't think you've got the resources for.

The only experience I can bring to bear is that I was raised in an unconventional family (though not a lesbian one) and felt very isolated from my peers through school. I had two siblings, and actually don't feel that we supported each other through that - I think we were rather all of us stuck in our own little bubbles of loneliness and at times unhappiness, not really able to reach out to each other or perhaps not wanting to. I don't think having siblings is any guarantee whatsoever of companionship or support.

Have a child out of love and hope, not out of fear. Good luck with whatever you decide.

this is interesting - my DP and I have a related but not identical issue. We have one DD (1) and would love another, but we have a known donor who has, in the meantime, acquired a partner who (in many ways quite rightly) feels reluctant to make this level of commitment to a new relationship. Unfortunately for us (1) KD seems to want it to be a joint decision with his new partner and (2) time is not on our side, fertility wise. KD would certainly be happy to donate if this wasn't an issue for his partner. We can't in all conscience use a clinic now, given that we had our reasons not to first time round, it wouldn't be fair on either child and it wouldn't be fair on the KD who would end up stepping in anyway - and he has been so very good to us in every other way.

I think that you have to remember that all families, gay or straight, have constraints on family size for more reasons than you can possibly list. I am an only child and in an ideal world would not want this for my own child - but I am happy, successful, balanced, and came from a family that was difficult (my father died when I was 8, my mother is emotionally distant and very controlling). I strongly suspect that if I had had a sibling (read: a straight sibling) my mother would have cut me off and I would be completely estranged from my family. DP has 5 siblings, at least half of whom are problematic and need our support, rather than providing it. How well she copes is down to your positive parenting (which you are clearly doing) and her own temperament (about which you can only do so much). Another child wouldn't necessarily help if she does struggle.

Go with your gut, if your instinct is no, that's probably right for you

Thanks to both of you who replied, really interesting to hear your experiences, and helped to remind me that having a sibling doesn't always make life easier for a child. I think I was lucky in having a very close relationship with my own sister, but there is no guarantee that would be the same for our DD if we had a second child. And you helped to remind me that of course the only good reason to have a second child would be if we really wanted to, and if we felt we had a lot to offer that child, just as we did the first time around. Hmmm.

Hi Chacha I'm not a lesbian but am an only child so just adding another perspective.
I completely agree with the other posts - only have a child if you deep-down-gut-instinct want it. But if you deep down you do want a second child then forget resources and money and have it if you can. Somehow or other you will find that the new baby becomes an integral and essential part of your family and chances are that your dd will appreciate it in the long run.

lenin I don't really know - I think he doesn't, and that it's up to him (although he is absolutely brilliant with kids) - he's been to see the DD we already have a few times, so I can't really get to the bottom of what the issue is, which is frustrating, because I like answers and if I knew what the problem was I might be able to resolve it.

The argument I keep making is that in terms of KD's obligations to us, another child doesn't really alter that - other than an additional visit or 2. In terms of the emotional impact (e.g. his parents were a bit at first) on their lives, well that's already happened. So I'm a bit at sea really. Nothing that we can do, except keep working on him/them

thanks - I think the partner doesn't want to say that he doesn't want to be involved because that would seem like rejecting KD's choices, but on the other hand feels that it's too early in their relationship (they are very young ) to make a commitment to staying in any child's life - a position that I have to respect. He (the partner) had a very disrupted childhood himself and I think knows only too well what it's like to have a much loved parent figure disappear on you. DD was in utero when they got together.

will plug away - have to accept whatever comes! the involvement of actual humans is so problematic!! Having said that if the price we pay for the setup we have is only having the one, then it could be a lot worse