Hello

[MummyToLeon]

Hello

Im Gemma, 17 and first time mum to 5 week old Leon...

Im very sorry to say this but i feel very embarrassed and stupid to be posting here right now...

From a very young age i have always known i am not straight. Up until now i thought i was bi sexual but now since splitting with my babies dad, i am even starting to question that. I have no problem whats so ever with people being gay, many of my best friends are gay. However, i am really really struggling to accept that i may be gay myself and it is tearing me apart. Ive seen the horrible looks and comments gay people get on the streets and i dont know if i could cope with that... I know it shouldnt matter because 'i am who i am' but it still hurts knowing how people see you.

Im very sorry to bother you and i am also sorry if i have offended anyone with anything i have said as i do not mean it at all like that. Im very confused right now and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Gem xx

Hello Gemma, you know every parent is welcome on mumsnet and you have as much right to post here as anyone else, so don't feel embarrassed and stupid! You are very young to be coping with a baby as well as questioning your own sexuality, my advice would be to take your time and focus on yourself and Leon for a while and then perhaps other matters will fall into place.

Thank you anorak. It is really getting to me and upsetting me quite a bit.

Yes I can understand it would upset you - it's not knowing what is going to happen, the lack of control. But then most of us don't really know what's going to happen to us even when we have made up our minds about lots of things.

It's hard work being a teenager and especially with a baby too. Please try not to worry as in time you will know how you feel about lots of things - that's what your time of life is for, to decide what kind of person you're going to be. I know that sounds really corny but it's true. You sound very sensible to me.

Don't worry about bothering someone on here. Goodness me! Mumsnet is made for bothering, so bother away

Whether your gay or bi is a hard ine to think about right now. You have just split from a relationship, you have a new baby, things are changing all around you!

Give yourself a chance. It matters not a gnat arse what others whisper but what does matter is that you care. So I would leave decisions hanging and wallow a while until the rest of your life settles down a bit.

In the end whether you are gay or bi may not make the biggest impact on your life but how you feel judged just might.

I just want what is best for Leon. Kids can be so cruel and i dont want him to have to face any bullying because of me. I dont want him to be bullied, and i dont want him to resent/blame me.

Does that make sense?

Ive been with blokes for a long time just to try and prove to myself that i am not gay. I kept thinking, im sleeping with a bloke, i cant be gay but blokes do fuck all. sorry if that is tmi.

deep down i know its there and ive got to face it but i dont want to hurt Leon

You sound as though you will be able to communicate whatever decision you make to your son in a great way.

I hope that you don't feel under pressure to define yourself into a box just yet though. I think it's natural to question your identity when you've just had a baby but you have got loads of time to work it all out.

There's wuite a few things mixed up there.

Forget whether Leon will be bullied for a mo. I genuinely believe that there are bigger factors involved as to who gets bullied. Don't worry yet

NOT all children of gay parents ar bullied, not all children of straight parents are safe from bullying.

So.

It is just about you.

But are you in the best frame of mind to work through this? Look it is ok to pause. or to chat and consider. No need to make decisions unless of course you think that would help.

I feel need to say here that I am not gay so maybe disregarded, but I have a cv of creditials if you need

ive spent the last 7 years trying to work it out and it still isn't any easier... Ive had girlfriends, my most serious relationship was with a woman but we split up because i didnt want t hurt her by pushing her away as a result of me being confused... given the chance i would have her back instantly. sorry if im not making sense

Sorry I can't be of more use but I really hope that you find some answers/peace soon.

And in the meantime, enjoy that beautiful baby! Then Mr/Ms Right will come along when you least expect it.

Thank you for your help and also sorry xx

Stop apologising! You're worse than me.

You have nothing to apologise for. I, on the other hand, have managed to put my foot in it all over the place tonight. You have been lucid and caring and self-aware.

So stop worrying & apologising & get some sleep before that little one of yours wakes you up for some grub (bossy voice)

Sounds like a good idea about the sleep!! He is just settling back down after a feed so i will go and join him...i'll be back tomorrow though... Thanks again

Night all

Gem and sleepy leon xx

hello MummyToleon, hope you had some more sleep - congratulations on your little son!
Just to second what others have said, try not to worry too much about how other people might treat you or your son if you are gay. There are lesbian mums all over the place and I think generally people will take you as they find you - if you feel OK about it and don't present it as a huge issue, they will care more about what kind of person you are. Kids can get bullied for all sorts of reasons and children of gay parents can learn to challenge it and feel proud of their families, given the right support.
I would really encourage you, if and when it feels right, to get onto some lesbian/gay parents websites - Gingerbeer messageboards has a Rainbow Families section which is very good, and there are many others (this Mumsnet one is great and supportive but much less traffic on it).
But as everyone else says, for now you need time to settle down with your baby and take care of yourself and him.
all good wishes

Thank you

I eventually got some sleep and i am feeling slightly more positive today about it all but it is still on my mind aswell

xx

Hey Gemma

I didnt come out as gay til my mid 20's and identified as bi for years before that. I know its easy for me to say but i wouldnt worry about it too much. Sexuality can be fluid for some people and can change as people grow. For the moment just focus on your lovely new son. Could you talk to any of your gay friends?

Big hugs x

Im too ashamed to... I know that sounds silly but i really cant...

Hi mummytoleon

I struggled similarly when i first realised i wasn't hetero. I would call myself bi, but have been with my partner for 15 years so to all intents and purposes I'm gay.

I found it really hard when I realised, and facing others' judgements was a big part of that. As I've got older, I've had the confidence to have people take me as they find me. Do you know what, people really aren't bothered. I have to 'come out' at work all the time because it's such a non issue that people don't gossip about it!

you have to get to the point where you don't care what people think/say about you, and it will come. You need to get into the gay scene and you'll find it's full of normal people who lead normal, dull lives.

By the way, had been v worried about raising a child and him being bullied for our family set up. i asked a straight friend who was raised by lesbian parents about this, and she said she'd never had a problem. She said kids are really unimaginative and even with her around it was the fat kids or the unsporty kids who got picked on.

take some steps to ease yourself into contact with other 'gays' and I promise, things will start to fall into place.there might be some Mnetter gay parents near you?

Good luck with your journey.

Thank you...

Before Leon came along i was down canal street (manchester gay village) all the time and loved it because i can be myself... Now that ive got a baby people think im straight there. I took Leon down there today, went to meet my friend and a really nice woman came over and started chatting her up and said to me whilst i was feeding leon, 'shame your straight or i would be asking you out' bit gobsmacked. lol

I second what people say and just wanted to let you know it took me 15 yrs to accept that i am gay. Dated loads of blokes but it never ever felt right. I came out at the grand age of 29 - almost 30 and couldnt be happier.

Accept yourself when you can and i agree about the bullying thing, if leon is going to get picked on it could be for anything.

Ps am a mum too a lovely 5 yrs old who loves my girlfriend more than any bloke i have dated. He feels at ease.

Good luck

Also people assume that i am straight as i have a son.

Hi MummyToLeon. You're in a really tough place right now: REALLY hard to be 17, with a newborn, a single parent, and struggling with your sexuality. I would agree with others here about trying to relax and take your time - I came out at 19 but it took me several years after that before I felt really sure that yes, I was definitely gay.

It may help you to talk to somebody like Gay Switchboard. I'm sure Manchester has lots of resources for people in your position. It may help to join a lesbian mothers' group - somewhere where you can spend time with lesbians who are (probably!) not going to hit on you, so less pressured and giving you a wider sense of what it would be like to live as a lesbian mother (I don't think Canal Street will give you that!)

I understand why you're worried about Leon being bullied - this was a big fear for me, too, before I became a mum. But knowing other lesbian mothers and seeing their kids grow up happy and healthy has really helped calm my fears. We can't know what's ahead for our kids, but there's no reason to suppose he will have to have a hard time because of your sexuality, whatever that turns out to be.

Keep in touch - we're here to give you support whenever you need it.

This is my first ever post on here (so hello!) and i was touched by your dilemma and the wonderful responses you got Gemma.

It really sucks that society is ruled by identifying with a certain group, pigeon holes and labels - when in reality so many things like sexuality are fluid.

I have spent my life moving fluidly between men and women, i believe it is a person that you are attracted to not a gender.

I have now got my (hopefully!) lifelong partner (a woman) and we have 2 children - one 17 (adopted) and one 7... both have blossomed with gay parents and have been no more bullied than anyone else - in fact our teenage daughter says having two mums has a certain street cred about it!

The gay scene is no more accepting of difference than the straight scene - but beneath that scene and 'shop window' are a diverse range of people are willing to accept you as whatever you are...take the advice and find support groups and similar people in your area because it is from those you will find understanding and friendship.

Whatever happens and you decide, i wish you every success with your bundle of joy!

Claire

What a lovely post, Claire.
Welcome to Mumsnet!

Hi there MTL I am new to MN and was just reading this thread and thought I would let you know I understand. I got pregnant (the biblical way)but just couldnt stay with the father. I am now married to a woman whom I used to date in University and am sooooo happy. Its harder being in a gay relationship with a child but in all honesty its you who has to live with your choices so f*k the idiots on the street. My daughter is loved unconditionally and is surrounded by love which would not have been the case if I had stayed with the 'donor'If you ever need a chat, let me know x