OMG-48 hours of turmoil.............help ladies!! (sorry, long one)

[ConfusedinYorkshire]

Ok in the last 48 hours or so my world has been turned upside down,in the most wonderful way & I need some help from you lovely people in making sense of it all.I have seen how nice you have been to other posters in dilemmas & feel safe in confiding in you as I never could to RL friends.

I'm 47, (not so)happily married for 15 years, 2 DC's and I went to a party on Saturday, got tiddly & ended up kissing a girl I have known for sometime but not very well...........phew there I've said it.
We went for along walk & just talked & kissed.She was very thoughtful in NOT taking advantage of my uninhibited state although we could have both quite easily gone a lot further. We have had phone & text contact since & she's made it clear it was as wonderful for her as it was for me. Thing is where so we go from here? It feels totally right & I suppose what has shocked me is how un-guilty I feel about the thought of being unfaithful to my DH. Our sex life since the DC's has been sporadic and (for me) totally unfulfilling & now it is real duty sex on my side although bless him he still says he fancies me rotten.My main problem (amongst many others)has been his total inability to be appreciative of me oraffectionate towards me in a non-sexual way,& I'm a very tactile cuddly person.I have over the years tried very hard to reinvent our sex life with greater or lesser success. We even went to relate for a while which was painful for both of us as he finds it difficult to talk about his feelings with me let alone a stranger. it only helped confirm my feelings that I had two options, to stay for the kids sake,denying myself the love I needed or go & destroy three peoples lives-whatever else he isn't to me he is a great Dad.I chose to stay & make the best of it & to some extent it's worked.

Now I have had another door opened to me-wether it works out with this girl or not (& god what can I offer her but heartache) it's wonderful to have this awakening of a part of me I thought had died,but I can't see a way of making anything work. I know it's early days yet & I'm jumping ahead of myself, we need to talk lots more & just see what we both want to do.

Thanks for letting me ramble on, any thoughts appreciated, tell me to pull myself together & stop mooning around like a love sick teenager if you like!!

hello Confused - haven't got any answers for you but wanted you to get a response before too long!
I haven't been in your situation (knew I was lesbian before I got into any serious relationships) but I was a volunteer on a lesbian and gay helpline for a long time & spoke to a lot of people with similar experiences to yours.
It's really hard when you feel as tho' your decision could have disastrous consequences for people you love. How about trying to imagine what's the best outcome you could possibly imagine - regardless of how unlikely it seems - if you could wave a magic wand and everything be perfect, what would that be?
Maybe that would be, having time to explore your feelings about this woman/other women generally, without burning your bridges or completely disrupting your children's lives. Or maybe it would be, getting back to having a closer and more fulfilling relationship with your DH - that could involve trying again with counselling or whatever.
Have you ever been aware of sexual attraction to women before?
What would happen if you and DH did split up? Could you be independent financially - could you afford to live apart?
I hope things work out well for you and all your LOs.
By the way, there are L&G helplines all over the country that offer free, confidential support. Look in your phonebook or local paper.
Good luck!

Thanks so much Lucifera-as you can imagine I'm going into overdrive with the thinking!!

My perfect scenario would be to slowly explore my relationship with this woman but in private and secret not because I'm ashamed of it or anything but because it is an adventure I don't want to share or explain until I know how she & I really feel. Does that make sense? In this perfect world no-one else would know least of all DH or the kids. But would that be fair on my GF(ooh that sounds good!!) That is a conversation we need to have, if she is prepared to have an affair & take things slowly then we might be able to let things take time. Trouble is I live in a small rural town & her home town she came out years ago so everyone will be watching if they see us together & DH would know pretty soon. She lives in Manchester so I would have to go up there to get any privacy. Would be expecting too much though? Sounds like I'd be being selfish.

I always said the crunch would come if I fell for someone else,never realising it would be a woman not a man. I have been mildly attracted to women before and chatted up by several (although I didn't always know it at the time friends had to point it out!!)but was never brave enough to take it further.This time is VERY different.

No financially I am not independant at the moment-dammit I always had a running away fund till 5 years ago-now my own business is run from part of our home. However nothing is impossible just difficult.

Thanks for the helpline contact funnily enough I'd just found their website when you posted. Will ring later.

sounds like you have not been committed to your marriage for a long, long time. Most people don't have running away funds or think about the crunch coming if they fall for someone else as I'm sure you know!

TBH I wouldn't see this girl at all. Absolutely nothing good can come of it if you see her during this period IMO.

You need to take some time either with your DH or ALONE, to think about your life and your options and how those affect your children.

You need to come to your own decisions and be brutally honest with yourself and your DH, and then and only then I would think, would it be time to see other people or not.

Confused, surely the issue here is the infidelity rather than the gender of the person you are being unfaithful with? I assume your dh would be devastated if he knew?

HG- a "running away" fund is what my family jokingly called any rainy day money.

I have always been 100% committed to my marriage & for me even to be voicing these thoughts is a strong indication of how upskittled I feel after years of commitment.
I never wanted to be one of those women who had no choices because of money, but I put every last penny I had into a business we were both committed to in an attempt to change our lives. The business is now doing well but our relationship is worse. I would love to spend time alone with DH & have tried many many times to give us the time & attention we needed to heal. I sat on my bed sobbing with post-natal depresssion 11 years ago & he couldn't/ wouldn't cuddle me & I remember thinking "this is the day my marriage started to fall apart" He has continued to make no effort despite relate & numerous chats & tearful sessions (me) he doesn't DO talking. All efforts to patch it up have come from me & I have just run out of energy to try anymore. I have had opportunities before to be unfaithful have been strong & turned them down. I have been to the bottom of my personal reserves recently and to suddenly have this possibiltiy of happiness (I'm not saying I WILL persue it ) shown to me is a revelation. However I have three other people to consider in this -four if you consider my friend which I will.

CHIPMONKEY- I don't know how he would feel-yes I can imagine devastation might come into it but TBH I have asked & asked him over the years to discuss things/feelings & he just clams up. To my mind a relationship needs BOTH parties t try & try & try again, I'm just so tired of it always being me.

Confused - I do somewhat agree with HG that seeing your friend while you're trying to figure out what to do might not be a good idea. She could get badly hurt (as you realise). And I think it's important you don't see her (or anyone else) as a means of escape from your marriage. But I can imagine that the level of dissatisfaction you have with DH, plus strong attraction to her, may shape what you do ... sympathy and good wishes to all of you.

I just think that you don't give a real, balanced decision a chance if you see her.

the first flush of a relationship, particularly one so 'different' and therefore all the more thrilling, is just going to win out over staying in a marriage that has been hard work, isn't it - the marriage will look so bleak in comparison.

Has it ever got to 'ultimatum' stage before; perhaps he needs to know that he WILL lose you unless things change. If not I think that's where things might need to go and you simply won't give it a genuine chance if you're comparing it to the seductive thrill of this new thing.

Agree with Honoria. The thrill of the "honeymoon phase" of a new relationship can not possibly compete with the mundaneness of an established relationship, even a healthy one.

You sound like a resourceful woman, if your marriage is so bleak without any hope of improvement, then really perhaps it it time to call time on it and this new experience has acted like a wake-up call? If you can run the business from home, then theoretically you could run it from any home? But I do think you should close the door on the existing relationship before embarking on a new one because otherwise things will just get messy and nasty.

Thanks ladies you have helped clarify my thoughts. I have been at this crossroads many times before but by myself, not with a possible romance to move on to. It would be too tempting as you all say.

Chip I have given the ultimatum SO many times before but he knows I would never leave the DC's & taking them with me would break his & their hearts so he knows I can't/ won't do it. Maybe this is the wake up call we both need, maybe we need the shock of a trial seperation -no not so I can swan off & have an affair, just me leaving him short term (I can stay at my Mums) to show him I DO mean it. Thing is he is not a bad man he doesn't beat me up or get drunk or sleep around, in some ways any of those would be a good reason to leave but I can't use those.I just think he is incapable of showing affection (to me)and I don't think that'll change because it is HIM.

My friend & I have been talking & she quite rightly says she will not be a "bit on the side" ,(nor would I insult her by asking her to do so the post above was an unrealistic, lovley "what if" fantasy) but at the same time she realises I have to sort out my own priorities, & is not pressurising me in any way.

God it's a mess, but thanks for listening.

CIY, I really do hope you get it sorted with your dh. Be fair to yourself as well as the DC's, after all you deserve happiness too and at the end of the day, if you stay, you'll be stuck with him a lot longer than they will!

I just wanted to add in something not sure if it will help or not. You deserve to be happy and in time if you do leave your child will be too, sorry children.

I used to be in a hetro relationship and we were due to get married, he had an affair and 6 months ago i came out.

I met an amazing girl and it felt right like i had been waiting years for. (i always tried to deny my feeling for girls ) everyone has accepted even people i didnt think would.

Is it only this girl you are attracted too or is it other women?

Hi there confused, my opinion is that you should be honest with your husband about what has happened, and not develop your relationship behind his back, surely he doesn't deserve this sort of treatment? Why not resolve things with your husband first, if you decide to separate then you will be free to start seeing this woman without the dishonesty and betrayal. I think it is irrelevant what the sex of the person is, what you are proposing is an extra-marital affair, which I think is wrong full stop.

I have been in your shoes... and chose out of my marriage... Its hard, but worth it for me

Good Luck

x