Recent bi realisation

[Pandora811]

Hi! I’m married, 2 kids, very recently realised I’m probably bi. Never been with a woman. My husband knows I have recently had feelings for a woman and was incredibly understanding. I want to explore my sexuality but don’t know how to go about it in a way that feels safe for both of us. I’m aware that if I start following this I may actually realise I’d rather be with a woman. My husband is my best friend and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I’m in my 40s and have never before questioned my sexuality! I don’t want to explode our family but I also don’t want to stay in the closet now I have had this deep revelation. Help appreciated!

Well, you are going to come out some day I suspect.

Exploring whilst you are married is unfair to your husband and children. In my view you either split up and you go exploring or you stay married and remain faithful. Anything else would cause more pain to others around you.

Are you unhappy in your marriage? Why do you want to explore?

I also realised I was bi recently whilst married with kids. Accepting that and telling a few close friends has been helpful but I don't feel the need to explore. I can't see how you could do that and stay married.

The mumsnet trolls don't even think you can realise your bi at a later age without that in itself being a huge betrayal to your partner and marriage ender.

The first post nails it.

Realising you are bi doesn’t mean you have any right to explore other relationships whilst you are married! You either get counselling and stay as you are or separate. Would you be happy for your husband to go off and explore a sexual relationship with a man whilst still married to you?

Heterosexual people don't explore relationships with other people when married!
Whether you're gay, straight, or bi, you're married to one person that you have presumably promised to be faithful to.
If you were straight and fancied a guy from work would it be ok to explore your sexuality with him? No.
So you're bi and want to explore? You're still married so 🤷

Edited to add: heterosexual people obviously DO explore relationships with others when married but that's called cheating. It's still cheating if it's with woman.

I think it is OK for you to have discussions, with your husband about exploring it.

They would have to be over several months to give him time to really think about what he wants too, before acting on it. And that might be that he would prefer to divorce.
Would the quid pro quo be that he can also have another sexual relationship? How would you propose to keep your marriage intact?

You can't "explore" with another human being without it being a risk to your marriage and infidelity.

It's also a bit shitty to use women to explore your sexuality when you're not free to commit to a relationship.

Infidelity with the same sex is the same as infidelity with the opposite sex unless your partner is willing to have an open relationship, you're willing for your partner to also "explore", and your potential affair partner is willing to be an experiment.

I think there are ways to explore openly WITH my husband without having a relationship with someone else! Would appreciate advice just from lgbt allies please!

P.s. the fact that you are in your 40‘s is probably linked…if you Google hormonal shifts and the effects of menopause on sexuality you may understand a little more about what’s maybe triggering these feelings! It’s the potential equivalent of middle age man infidelity. And can you explain why you think LGB people dont take their marriage vows as seriously ??

Ah you mean a threesome?… exploring WITH your husband?
Random shags? Swinging?

This !
Cheating is cheating. ‘Exploring’ with a woman rather than a man isn’t some sort of get out of jail free card.

What do you mean by LGBT allies? Do you assume all LGBT people are unfaithful? I’m a lesbian and have been with my wife for 18 years and we are faithful. Why do you assume otherwise? Should you be looking for a swingers board if this is what you are suggesting which has nothing to do with being LGBT.

You are also posting on the LGB PARENTS board….why do think this board is the place to explore sexual ideas ?

Would appreciate advice just from lgbt allies please! which always means…
I ONLY WANT TO HEAR PRAISE, ADULATION AND AGREEMENT….

All of this.

Being hetero doesn't mean that you 'explore' that whilst married. Why should being bi be any different?

Correct.

The advice is don’t cheat on your husband, and don’t assume we would ever support cheating.

I think it's a bit icky, frankly.

It's the way you conflate bisexuality with wanting to 'explore'.

Ok, I know some people have open marriages or whatever; fine, if that floats your boat. Wouldn't be for me but I'm not fussed what consenting adults do.

What I don't get is the idea that because you think you are bi this somehow needs 'exploring' in a way it didn't when you thought you were straight.

You want to plant the pampas grass and pop the keys in a bowl, go for it. Invite Sharon from across the way and let your husband figure out that it's not quite so sexy as he imagined.

But don't pretend it's got much to do with bisexuality.

I’m a lesbian. I don’t think the T comes into it unless you’ve had that revelation too.

If you’re intending to stay with your husband then you need to be completely honest both with him & with anyone you decide to explore with. Other women have the right to know you’re married to a man (although they also have the right to know you’re in a relationship whatever your partner’s sex) & you can’t complain if that puts them off.

And as someone said upthread, if you’re looking for threesomes that’s a whole other matter & only fair if your husband is genuinely up for it too.

I’m bi.

im currently with a male partner. And monogamous with that partner.

does your husband want an open marriage where you can both shag other people either together or separately?

of not, you can’t do this without splitting with him.

if you want to have fantasies inside your head that’s different. But actively going out to shag a woman whilst married, unless he agrees to it. That’s a no from me.

Why do you have to explore it? Why should your husband put up with you cheating on him? If your husband decided he was bi would you be fine with him exploring it?
You sense of entitlement is off the scale.

What do you think that would look like?

What do you think you'd get from it though, that's special because it's a woman? Sex is sex. My husband and I are both bi, but we don't have sex with other people because we don't have sex with other people. You're talking about being non-monogamous - isn't that the issue/conversation, not who you're non-monogamous with?

People are suddenly assuming that you are about to cheat, when you didn't say that anywhere in your post. Of course deceiving your husband isn't a good idea, but however you agree with him to approach this is the business of the two of you, and not of people on the internet telling you what you should and shouldn't do. Yes, of course bi people can be monogamous and the majority probably are (I was one of them for many years) but consensual non-monogamy is a thing. And 'exploring' doesn't have to mean being with someone else, it can be talking about fantasies together, adult content etc. Work out what it is that YOU need to feel comfortable with your bisexuality (which may also be more social/finding community than actual sex stuff) and go from there.

Good luck 🤗

My dh is dark haired and tall . Perhaps I could investigate / explore being with a blond , shorter man . I might like them better ?
I would get a barrage of comments if I posted that .
Cheating on your husband is cheating be it a man or woman .
Make your mind up to stay married or get a divorce and sleep with whoever you want ,
you can't have both .