Do I leave my marriage to explore sexuality

[Leafy678]

I (28f) and married to a wonderful man (28m). We have been together for 10 years and have 2 young children (1 and 3).
There is nothing bad happening with our marriage he is my best friend and I adore him. However I have recently started to reflect on my sexuality and I think that I am gay. Lots of thoughts that I’ve had all my life I’ve come to realise aren’t “normal”. However I have no “proof” of this as I have never had a sexual relationship with a woman.

Some examples of why I think I am gay:

• i can’t bring myself to say the word husband after being married 4 years.
• I’ve always liked attention from men but was often called “frigid” because I didn’t like touching them.
• although my partner is objectively great in bed I still only have sex because I feel like I should.
• Ive never had a celebrity crush that is a man
• i think that most women are far more attractive than all men
• i never think I want to rip the clothes off a man.
• was obsessed with female characters in tv shows.

My issue is I love my family so much and don’t want to break it apart but also myself and my partner deserve better if I am gay. I worried that im not actually gay and will break up my lovely family and be hated and it turns out I actually am straight?

does anyone have any thoughts on what I should do or experience themselves of leaving a relationship that doesn’t have any issues? I have no one to talk to about it, if I mention it to my family or friends that feels like the beginning of the end.

I think you’d be mad to disrupt your children’s lives to try and shag other people. It would be extraordinarily selfish.

I would contact Switchboard to get advice: https://switchboard.lgbt/contact-us

It sounds like there is a part of your sexuality that you haven’t had the chance to explore. If you are becoming aware of that it is no bad thing even if atm it’s causing you pain and making you feel conflicted.

Each set of circumstances are unique but I’m guessing having just had a baby, this not be the right time for you to make any life altering decisions. Sit with your realisations and talk to the switchboard pp mentioned and lgb friends. Maybe even talk to your partner about your feelings. But take things one day at a time.

It’s not that simple. Not everything is about the children. Parents need to happy too.

And what about her poor husband? I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship with a man who thought he was gay. He deserves the opportunity to be with someone who wants him the way that he wants them.

I'm bi. I realized this 20y after marrying my husband.

I'm also monogamous, so in practice it makes fuck all difference anyway.

Do you fantasise about sex with women? I do... but also... I like to fuck my husband 😂

The reasons you have given as "proof" of being gay seem a bit wooly.

Are you saying you do want to fuck other women?

Sorry I thought that sort of went without saying! Yes, but it’s not just about sex- I would never ever break my family up just to shag around. it’s about the connection with women aswell.

I would want to be pretty certain that I was neither straight nor bi before considering breaking up my very young family. When my kids were 1 and 3 the last thing I wanted was sex - did you fancy your husband more before kids came along?

I think I'm fully straight, not even bi. But I think women are more attractive than men, and only watch female porn (it almost never includes a man). But I consider myself chemically attracted to men and love sex with my husband.
Could you consider yourself to be on a spectrum, and not have to actually act on taking it further with a woman?

I don’t think your sexuality needs to be the main issue here. The most important question is whether you are sexually attracted to your husband. If you’re not and never have been, that’s a good reason to end a marriage regardless of who else you might be attracted to. If you previously enjoyed sex with him then it may be something you can get back, especially when kids are older.

Kids couldn’t give a shit if you are happy, they want a stable life. Can you offer them that separately?

I could write your OP. Every statement applies to me, except I have no problem saying husband. I am asexual.

It isn't just about sex though is it?
It's about connection, trust, truth and happiness.
I cried for days when it finally dawned on me that I was gay because I knew it was going to hurt some people. My BF at the time was devastated, friends felt I'd lied to them (!?).
I knew deep down that I was just going through the motions with sex with a man. It was what I thought people did.
I can't imagine how conflicted you must be feeling OP, with kids involved too.
As PP asked, how does sex with your husband make you feel? That may be one of your biggest clues as to whether this is a post partum wobble or a real life changing realisation.
Feel free to DM if u want to talk x

Shame you didn't do some reflecting before you dragged a husband and two kids into your mess. My life was completely ruined by someone just like you, wasting my time for years and years. Do your husband a huge favour and leave him, he doesn't want a nice friend he wants a wife. Poor kids caught up in all this.

Yes completely get what you’re saying. I’m not sure- he is a very conventionally attractive man and my friends and family have always commented on how good looking he is. So I appreciate that he is attractive but I think what I feel is different to the type of desire I should be feeling if that makes any sense. More like I’m attracted to him because I “should” be.

it’s not my intention to hurt, lie to or ruin the lives of my partner and children. I imagine what you’ve been through is extremely difficult , commenting on this won’t help you.

This was nice to read and made me a bit emotional, thank you x

I am gay and am what is termed a “later in life lesbian” in that I was in my mid-30s by the time I realised and came out. By that time I had been married to, and divorced from a man (we had 2 kids) and had had 2 other relationships with men after the marriage.

What you say about feeling attracted to your husband because you feel like you “should” resonates with me. I had relationships with perfectly nice (and some not so nice) men, but I never felt like I really “had” to have them. It was more like: they wanted me, they were good men, so I should want them. Sometimes I pondered on why I didn’t feel as “into” my husband or boyfriend as my friends were into theirs. Then in my 30s I met the woman who became my wife and from the first moment, it was like a jigsaw puzzle’s last piece slotting into place. Suddenly I understood what other people felt in their relationships.

I wasn’t married when I met my (now ex-) wife, so my only big issue was “am I gay?”, not breaking up a family to find out. I did fall very much in love and it was wonderful, we got married and I had another child. Didn’t stop her having an affair and leaving me 4 years later.

Having been divorced twice now, I would caution against making any sudden moves while your children are so young. Divorce can be brutal, usually is. Partners suddenly being told their spouse is gay don’t always respond well. There was a thread very recently where the wife had told her husband she was bi, and he wanted nothing more to do with her. I would recommend exploring your thoughts in counselling, and using that space to work through how you might discuss them (if at all) with DH.

Don’t be under any illusions that relationships with women are all wonderful. Yes you might feel that connection that’s been lacking before, but women can be just as disappointing as men in relationships and breaking up your young family is a massive step.

The time to explore your sexuality would have been before you made your wedding vows and committed to your husband and then to have two children with him.

This is a ridiculous and unempathetic response. Plenty of people simply do not know that they have these feelings before they marry, especially if they marry young. I got married in my early 20s. My boyfriend asked me, I loved him, or thought I did (it was the most I’d ever felt for anyone at the time), and I had massive internalised homophobia as a result of growing up in a household where gay men were referred to as “poofs” and lesbians referred to as “dykes”. I didn’t know any gay people, had never even met an openly gay person. I had had very intense friendships with girls, and once or twice kissed one, but that was easily explained away by “that’s just something that girls do when we’re pissed”. I never thought I was gay, certainly did not want to be gay, and never even had the thought inside the privacy of my own head that I might be.

The OP has come here for some support and guidance. If you’ve got nothing helpful to say, bow out.

I think its important to be honest with your husband about your changing feelings. This is likely to be confusing to both of you but if you are not sexually attracted to him, then its unfair to keep him in the dark about it. Relationship counselling or sex therapy might be useful in exploring your needs and thoughts, so you have more clarity in terms of who you are and the future of your relationship.

I can relate to a lot of what you said, and I'm definitely not gay. I think sexuality being something that needs exploring is a fairly new phenomenon, could it be that you are settled in life and feeling a bit bored? You haven't actually said you are even interested in women. Surely you don't need to sleep with a woman to decide if you are gay or not?

I’m sorry you’re getting a lot of negative responses here OP. I think some people are being very harsh and it’s not what you need right now.
You need time to really reflect on your feelings… sexuality isn’t black and white (for must people anyway!).
Find someone to talk to… a counsellor specialising in sexuality would be a good place if you can afford it. If not there are helplines out there you could try.
It would probably be good to talk to your partner about it too. I hope you have a good relationship where you can be honest about things. Again a couples counsellor may be good to mediate here if it doesn’t go well.
Good luck and wish you well x

''@PurpleChrayn · Yesterday 16:22

I think you’d be mad to disrupt your children’s lives to try and shag other people. It would be extraordinarily selfish.''

Don't be silly. This is not the 1950s anymore and people should not be forced to stay in relationships when they are unhappy and they certainly should not be living a lie.

There is nothing ''selfish'' about realising you are gay...it is just the way the OP is.

If the OP is gay then she should not be misleading her partner and staying in a relationship where she is not genuinely attracted to her husband.

Being honest gives both partners the opportunity to find love with someone who genuinely is attracted to them and can be with them long term.

That does not mean in any way that the OP and her partner will stop being good parents to their kids once/if they separate.

The OP doesn't even know if she is gay, and her OP is asking whether or not she should leave a marriage in order to sleep with women to see if she's gay. She also said she has a great partner who is a great father. She's not miserable and suppressing her sexuality. So yes, I too would think it was mad to leave her husband, thereby removing stability from her DC in order to sleep with women, on the off chance she might be gay.

Thank you, I'm a lesbian and these posts always shock me. I don't understand how someone in this day and age can be dating, having sex and building a family with someone they're not into, without even knowing they're not into them! This is not the 1950's. It's easy enough to realize that you're not into men if you truly are not, and doesn't take a genius at introspection.

Relationships experience phases of more or less intensity, especially after big life events like having children. Hardly a reason to leave if you have been happy until now. This whole thing sounds like a mid life crisis.

Please value your spouse and the life you have built together.