Was I wrong?

[Sparklesandbananas]

My ex husband came out as gay and we got a divorce. Youngest was 2 at the time. No need to exsplain too much to them at the time. The eldest is now 13 (autism and severe Learning difficulties). My son made a nasty remark about gay people and was quickly corrected. He had repeated it from a friend and apologised for the remark I told my son his dad was gay and he wouldn’t be happy if he heard what he had said. My son in tern told his sisters that dad was gay. I thought they knew this apparently they didn’t. Dad is upset I told the kids he is gay. He wants the kid to believe his partners are his friends and they share a bed. Dad is open on social media as gay and to me he has openly said he’s gay. Everyone who knows him knows he’s gay. The kids are upset with me and have accused me of lieing to them about dad being gay. Dad apparently told them I have lied and he isn’t gay. He will tell them when he’s ready apparently. Is it normal to hide your sexuality from your kids?

Wtf? If he is publicly out then his children could simply see it on social media themselves.

Do the kids meet these 'friends' ever? Do they stay over at the same time? Do they not realise it's unusually for two men to share a bed?

I assume you were unaware that your ex was deliberately keeping this secret from them? In which case I can't see what you have done wrong. If he wanted you to maintain the lie then he should have discussed it with you (and you could have told him he's ridiculous)

Unfortunately hes now doubled down on the lie with the kids, turning them again at you. I don't know what the morals are here should you show the children his fb. Is that 'outing' someone if he's already out? I would feel the need to protect myself and my children from the lying.

I wasn’t aware no that this was a secret. We share 3 children together 2 are able to realise things better. My eldest genuinely believes daddies friends sleep in his bed. My younger 2 believe him too but find it odd. He walks around with his partners showing affection and holding hands so he’s not exactly hiding it from them. They do stay over yes. The children are not on social media yet but when they are given access to social media he can’t hide it then. He can’t seem to keep a relationship long unfortunately so the kids meets lots of daddies friends. I wish I could have more say in this but I don’t. He introduces his new partners to the kids quite often.

That's absolutely bizarre OP. You did nothing wrong. How the heck were you supposed to know he wanted to keep this part of his life a secret from the kids if he hasn't told you? Seems a very foolish thing for him to do btw, and doubling down, wow.

Tell your ex to piss off and grow up. Lying to his children will hugely damage his relationship with them.

Why does he feel the need to try to hide this from his kids? They aren't stupid, they'll know what a gay relationship is!

I do think this is going to fall back on him lieing to the children about being gay when he tells the whole world he’s gay and they find out for themselves I’m not lieing. He’s made things difficult with the children making them believe I have lied about him being gay.

He’s had a massive personality change since coming out that I have managed to try coparent with him. This is one of the most bizarre things I now have to deal with. I have told him I don’t think it was unreasonable to tell the children. I do think he is being unreasonable telling the children I have lied upsetting the children. The kids know about relationships. His daughter has a friend with 2 mums so she’s not unaware of things.

He sounds like a prick. Did he want the kids to find out through social media? And to accuse you of lying is disgraceful. Are the kids at his place when he shares a bed with these various men? I mean, why did he disclose that bit of information to them?

I had a friend in college whose dad did the same. The friend adamantly denied his dad was gay and said his dad’s partner was just a friend. But it was so clearly obvious they were a couple living together who had been together years (we visited their house). If anything, I think it just gave him the sense that being gay was something to be ashamed of, and he couldn’t accept the blatantly obvious that his beloved dad was ‘something to be ashamed of’ (gay).

I think your ex needs to apologise to your kids for lying to them and tell them he is gay.

I don’t think he’s thought this through at all. He made things worse saying I’m lieing when I’m not and the truth will come out. It won’t take the kids long to figure it out via social media and people that know him to confirm what I have told them. Yes he. Moves these men in and kicks them out when the short lived relationship ends. The kids caught on these men don’t sleep on the sofa. He’s spun a tale confusing a vulnerable child takes his word for it.

He’s going to have to tell them eventually. I doubt he will apologise and tell the kids going by his attitude. None around him is bothered that he’s gay. I don’t understand why it’s bothers him that his kids know. He has 3 lovely, kind kids. I have a good mind to stick with the truth and leave him to it. It doesn’t seem fair making my life harder dealing with upset children thinking I have lied.

As someone who experienced parental lying it is horrible for the kid. I wouldn’t go there to cover for him (for no good reason either).

Maybe you could tell your kids “well, that’s what he told me” about him being gay and stick to your story. When it comes out they’ll know they can trust you to be honest with them.

The father sounds like a complete asshole. I agree with saying that he told you he was gay. I wouldn't make a big thing of it though as it is going to be confusing and difficult enough for the kids caught in the middle of his lies. I'd just say 'well huh, that's what he told me,'

I can't imagine growing up and later realising my father lied about being gay and that he brought a string of men in and out of my life and pretended they were his friends who he slept in a bed with - and that he told me that my mum was a liar and I no longer knew who I could trust. What a headfuck for your poor kids.

If he keeps telling the kids you are lying show them his SM

Apart from anything else, there shouldn't be a parade of men (or women if that was the case) being introduced to the kids! He's being totally selfish

Sounds like he has massive internalized homophobia, which is sad for him but annoying for you and unhelpful for his children. Time for therapy? You've done nothing wrong.

He didn’t even want his sexuality mentioned in the divorce papers. It was the reason for divorce. No reason seemed to be good enough on the papers. He refused to sign the papers if I put down that he had come out gay. This guy is part of the gay pride parade. Yet he doesn’t want his children aware of him being gay. Complete personality change over night since he came out. This I can’t tolerate though. I’ve complied with everything else but lieing to the kids is a big no and making me out to be a bad guy.

Eventually I will be directing them to look plus his parents, family, friends will confirm the same things if the children ask them. My kids don’t know what social media is at the moment.

I have brought this up and tried to fight this out but it went on deaf ears. Apparently he can do introduce his short lived relationships.

It’s pride month in June, isn’t it? I don’t know if this would be a good idea in your specific situation, but, what if you used this as an opportunity to educate your kids on LGBT+ and take them to pride this year to see what it’s about, learn, enjoy the atmosphere? If they happen to catch sight of their dad there, it might help things along……