Page 2 | Bio mum wanting opinions

Peonyflowergirl · 2025-03-27T01:25:41+00:00

My wife and I recently had a baby. We used my egg, and I carried so my wife is the non bio mum. My wife has said she doesn’t like when people ask about or compare our daughter to the donor, which I can understand and when someone has asked about it, I’ve redirected them and told them we don’t want to discuss or compare her to the donor. However, recently I made a comment about our daughter having my eyes and my wife said I was putting too much emphasis on biology and that it made her feel left out. Am I being unfair and in thinking I should be able to say things like that? Or is she being unreasonable?

bagsts · 11/04/2025 13:34

Macaroni46 · 11/04/2025 13:22

What happens if your DC wants to meet ‘the donor’ aka their father when they’re an adult? Surely you wouldn’t try to stop them? Tbh I find it quite baffling that you can disregard half of your DC’s DNA and history so flippantly to suit your own agenda.

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I can try and answer this even though your tone is a little hostile (agenda?). Presuming everything is done via a clinic it’s all very heavily regulated and the child will get all the information about who the donor if they request it any time after they’re 18. This is explained to anyone who donates so they’re doing so knowing future contact is a possibility should the child be interested.

Of course; this is presuming everything is done via a clinic. If someone makes an entirely private arrangement and promises anonymity there’s nothing that can be done about that anymore than if someone is conceived (accidentally or on purpose) via a one night stand with no further contact.

Personally I do have a problem with entirely anonymous donation and think it’s entirely correct the law in this area has changed to allow the child access to the information (just as I think it would be unfair, baring reasons that may make it dangerous for the woman or the child, to withhold information from children about their biological father even if conceived during a short fling)

climb12sides · 11/04/2025 14:53

bettydavieseyes · 11/04/2025 12:44

This is your experience and it all sounds good. Do you see your father, have you met him?

MY donor will never have a role in my children's lives. That was agreed before he donated. He is anon. He will never be their father, only a biological donor.

This is the language that works for us. Everyone is different. Biologically he may be but I don't plan to ever use the word. What my children decide to refer to him as is their choice. I wouldnt correct them, only give the simple facts. At the moment they are young children.

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No I’ve not met him, I was conceived in the 80s when it was all completely anonymous and encouraged to be so, but through Ancestry DNA testing I matched with a cousin on his side and so I know who he is but have not contacted him. The cousin told me a few sparing medical history facts, and it’s easy to find out what his job is via internet searching. He’s not a relationship I have in my life and I don’t feel the need for it - I had my Dad (who’s now died) and I don’t need or want another parental figure. He’s still my biological father though, and I feel so much happier knowing who he is and a little bit about him.

Roxietrees · 11/04/2025 17:30

climb12sides · 11/04/2025 12:02

I’m a donor conceived adult. The sperm donor is my biological father, and I refer to him as my biological father. My Dad - the man who raised me who was infertile - is my Dad. I will never refer to my biological father as my donor, because that’s way too transactional and abstract a term to describe the person who has made up 50% of my genetics, who is the reason I have coeliac disease, who is the reason I’m a scientist and the rest of my family are artsy, who is the reason my second son looks entirely different to his brother, dad and me.

Also he didn’t donate to me, he donated to my parents. He’s their donor, he’s my father.

The needs of the child and the adult they will become need to be centred here, and OP - your wife needs to get over herself. I appreciate it might be hard for her, but she needs to be prepared for her child to feel very differently about biology and heritage to the way she does. Or rather, it’s clear she does think that biology matters, otherwise it wouldn’t bother her, but she has to process those feelings herself and not police her family.

Edited

Thank you for your post, it is interesting to hear from a donor conceived adult as I haven’t really spoken to any and would like to understand how my daughter may feel later in life and support her as best I can. Did you have any specific feelings towards your parents when they told you? Were you always aware or did they tell you one day? Were you/are you curious about your bio father? (using the term as that’s how you describe him which is obviously personal to you and your personal choice before anyone says I’m contradicting myself as that’s not how I describe my DD’s donor etc etc) have you ever met him/do you have the opportunity to? Feel free to ignore my questions if you feel they’re too personal, just interested in your experience

bettydavieseyes · 11/04/2025 18:36

Macaroni46 · 11/04/2025 13:22

What happens if your DC wants to meet ‘the donor’ aka their father when they’re an adult? Surely you wouldn’t try to stop them? Tbh I find it quite baffling that you can disregard half of your DC’s DNA and history so flippantly to suit your own agenda.

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They won't have an option to meet him?

Flippantly? What makes you assume that? I'm not disregarding their DNA, I'm disregarding the label of father/dad.

bettydavieseyes · 11/04/2025 18:40

bagsts · 11/04/2025 13:34

I can try and answer this even though your tone is a little hostile (agenda?). Presuming everything is done via a clinic it’s all very heavily regulated and the child will get all the information about who the donor if they request it any time after they’re 18. This is explained to anyone who donates so they’re doing so knowing future contact is a possibility should the child be interested.

Of course; this is presuming everything is done via a clinic. If someone makes an entirely private arrangement and promises anonymity there’s nothing that can be done about that anymore than if someone is conceived (accidentally or on purpose) via a one night stand with no further contact.

Personally I do have a problem with entirely anonymous donation and think it’s entirely correct the law in this area has changed to allow the child access to the information (just as I think it would be unfair, baring reasons that may make it dangerous for the woman or the child, to withhold information from children about their biological father even if conceived during a short fling)

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It was a private arrangement. No contact between him and my DC. Contact with me via email for information when needed. Information for them later if needed or wanted.

climb12sides · 12/04/2025 09:54

bettydavieseyes · 11/04/2025 18:40

It was a private arrangement. No contact between him and my DC. Contact with me via email for information when needed. Information for them later if needed or wanted.

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Oh dear. So because you didn’t go through a clinic you have no legal protection if your “donor” wants to claim paternity and parental responsibility? Does that mean you didn’t access the mandatory counselling you have to do if you go via an HFEA clinic? And it’s not anonymous because you know who they are and are keeping that information from your DC… this is just about the least responsible way to go about donor conception :(

bagsts · 12/04/2025 13:59

bettydavieseyes · 11/04/2025 18:40

It was a private arrangement. No contact between him and my DC. Contact with me via email for information when needed. Information for them later if needed or wanted.

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Can I ask Betty - and of course your choice whether to reply or not - why you chose this rather than a clinic?

mangosmoothie123 · 12/04/2025 14:09

You’re not being unfair and she’s also not being unreasonable.
Ofcourse your baby will have inherited characteristics from you and understandably your wife feels left out of this. I imagine with time it’ll get easier for her and she will be less sensitive to comments on how the baby looks

bettydavieseyes · 12/04/2025 18:46

bagsts · 12/04/2025 13:59

Can I ask Betty - and of course your choice whether to reply or not - why you chose this rather than a clinic?

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I couldn't afford it at the time. I was 34 and desperately wanted another child. I had been single for a few years due to a previous abusive relationship with a man. Since then I have found happiness with a woman. I had 2 DC with the donor, it all went well and we keep in touch by email just happy Christmas that sort of thing, we both agreed he would remain anon and they would be my children. I used AI at home. It was easy. He was friendly and decent. I paid him a small amount and his petrol money and that's it. Looking back I took a big risk but luckily it worked out.

bettydavieseyes · 12/04/2025 18:50

climb12sides · 12/04/2025 09:54

Oh dear. So because you didn’t go through a clinic you have no legal protection if your “donor” wants to claim paternity and parental responsibility? Does that mean you didn’t access the mandatory counselling you have to do if you go via an HFEA clinic? And it’s not anonymous because you know who they are and are keeping that information from your DC… this is just about the least responsible way to go about donor conception :(

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It probably is. Luckily it's worked out for me. I will always be glad I did it, we are all very happy. The girls have a great life.