Single lesbian non-bio mum

[KM5]

My ex and I had a child together via IUI, we split when our daughter was 3yo (almost 4). My ex is the bio-mum and got together with a female a mere couple of months after we split (a female friend who we both knew and had had our children together for play dates etc). Very early on, the new partner was termed as ‘step-mum.’
Now, almost 4 years on (my daughter is now 7), and stepmum continues to show no respect towards me as a mother - barely even says hello yet talks to my daughter saying ‘hi baby.’ She even said to my face not long ago that she ‘brings up my daughter more than I do,’ knowing that this would hurt me because I wish to have my daughter more than I already do. I have my daughter 60:40 in favour of bio-mum despite the fact I have expressed wanting 50:50 several times.

My ex won’t agree to school parents evenings with me because she insists that her partner must be there at everything. I know opinions differ on this but, if a parent (me) is uncomfortable with having the stepparent there (given the circumstances) then surely this should be respected? I completely appreciate that she is part of my daughter’s life and that she will be at things such as performances etc but, surely not ALL formal school meetings require her to be there?! Sometimes the parents should take precedent?!

No boundaries have ever been set, no discussions about parenting with the involvement of the stepmum etc. I have simply always just been expected to accept and get on with it.

Oh, you poor love.

That sounds awful. I take it that, if you had IUI at a clinic, you are your daughter's legal parent. You really should not be required to take a back seat in this way. You've raised your daughter for years; you are her mother.

I am only making a stab in the dark here, but my feeling is: don't get fixated on the step mum. She's not your co-parent. If she says she brings up your DD more than you do, I would reduce opportunities where she can talk to you.

When you mention parents' evening - can you not have a slot on your own too? IME lots of schools understand that, unfortunately, some children won't be best served by having separated parents attend together, so they'll do a slot each. If this can't be managed then the two legal parents should attend, not one parent plus a step-parent.

Have you ever had a look at Cafcass's plan for separated couples? You can google it easily and it is useful.

FWIW I am the non-bio mother to my DD who is 7. I split up with her mother when she was 6, and it was rough. But we do have legal support. I spoke to a lawyer who was absolutely wonderful in reassuring me of my rights. I also found that school, once I spoke to them, were keen to help.

I do think you may need to be more assertive. This is your child. You are the mother. Please don't get pushed into feeling you don't matter. If you get pushed out completely, it will be horribly traumatic for a child who knows you as an absolute fixed point in life.

With respect, stand up for yourself. You are your child’s mother. If you are able to have her 50/50 why haven’t you insisted? Why haven’t you insisted on being at parents evening?

your DD needs to know you’re prepared to fight for her.

Thankyou for both of these replies. Yes, I am legally my daughter's mother. At the time that my ex and I split, we had to sell our house and both moved back with our parents. At that time, we agreed that my ex would have our daughter a bit more than myself due to my mother having M.E. My ex was then lucky enough to move into her current partner's rented house a year into their relationship of whom has two young children also. They are a 'blended' family as I am regularly reminded. Personally, I haven't been able to afford finding my own place again yet. It is partially for this reason that I have not insisted on 50:50 because my parents are getting older and I don't want to unsettle our daughter further until it is for the reason of moving into our own home together. Otherwise, I most certainly would have gone back to court to change arrangements and I am not afraid to do so going forward. I must admit, at times I do wonder it would be worth simply pushing for 50:50 now but I am desperately trying to do what is best for my daughter. As she gets older, if she continues to tell me that she wishes it was equal (she has said it on rare occasions), then I will most definitely pursue 50:50 whether my ex likes it or not.

Also, just to clarify, I always have my own individual parents evening as opposed to not going at all. I have proposed a few times in the past to have meetings together but my ex insists on her partner being there too and I do not always think this is necessary.

@SarahAndQuack I am sorry to hear about your split, it is rare (well actually non existent) that I come across anyone in a similar position to myself so it is nice knowing that someone understands to a certain extent. I hope it remains amicable between you and your ex. Thankfully, at the moment, my ex and I are communicating well for the sake of our daughter. We have come a long way!

For context... I reached out to her partner (stepmum) before Summer suggesting that we 'start afresh.' This was after an incident of insisting she was on my daughter's school forms where it said 'anyone else with PR.'

I had hoped it would be her who would present an olive branch given that she is the step parent of my child but this is something that would never have happened. Since that day, the communication between my ex and I has drastically improved. I just hope that other aspects improve with time as well, meaning more respect given from the partner.