Finding it hard being *a* mum, rather than *the* mum

[CalonHapus]

DD is 7 weeks old and DW carried her and is EBF. I have an older DS from a previous relationship (with a man, so a different scenario).

I've realised this morning that I'm struggling a bit with being a mum who isn't the mum. I'm DD's parent but I'm not her primary caregiver and I'm not the person who can meet all her needs (in the way I was for DS).

It's like my brain has a blueprint for what my 'mother role' is/should be and is getting confused and a bit upset that I'm not fulfilling this role.

I cuddle DD, help to settle her in the witching hour(s), play with her, change her. I'm doing all the cooking and housework so that DW can just focus on caring for DD and/or resting. On an objective/intellectual level, I know that the most important relationship for DD is with DW (i.e. the mother-baby dyad) but it's as if part of my brain can't understand why I don't have that role when I had it with DS.

Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that this has happened but I am. I think I assumed that as I wouldn't be having the hormones and physical changes of pregnancy and birth, I wouldn't feel this way.

Has anyone else experienced similar?

I'm so glad things got better for you @Tiredbutnotsleepy - those first few months sound incredibly tough!

I too am 'the other Mum' - DS and DD now upper teens - all I can say is talk a lot to one another and work through things as a family. I put in as much/equal time and effort wherever possible and we always did things as a family. I struggled to bond with second DC as I was so engaged with first while second was being breastfed. It was made clear to me that it was my job as an adult to ensure a good bond, but repeated rejections were painful which underpinned the cycle. However, reflecting back I now see how my role evolved organically and I met different needs as DC matured. My overall message is - it all works out well in the end as there is no blue print just keep trying, accepting and be patient because there are lots of things to navigate and these are best done as a secure unit - I send all of you in this my very best wishes

This is really interesting to read. I'm bi and I happen to be married to a man, but most of my friends are lesbians and I know several two-woman parenting pairs. Interestingly enough, my best friend's wife is called "Dad" by their child -- they reasoned that it's just a noise meaning "non-birthing parent" and there's no reason it should be gendered. She loves being Dad.

I carried my DD, I EBF when she was small and then continued to BF until she was almost 3, and when she wakes up in the night, it's often Daddy she calls out for and she needs us both the same.

There's so much bonding you can do outside of BF and pregnancy, nappy changes, baths, rocking to sleep and contact naps.

I do not agree that the mother-baby dyad is the most important relationship for the child, in our case, both Mummy and Daddy mattered equally to DD and tbh I sometimes felt like she only liked me for my boobs. 😂

There doesn't need to be a "default parent". You can both be as important.

That's so interesting. I've never heard of an 'other mum' being happy to be called Dad - fair play to her!

Thanks for your reply - this is a really interesting perspective 😊

I'm sure DD loved you for much more than your boobs! (My DW says the same - sometimes we refer to ourselves as 'boob mum' and 'poo mum' 😂)

Haha I was 'bum mum' for the first few months 😂
Its funny to see how much similarly there is for us as the other mums.
This thread is so lovely. I remember feeling really alone at the start, its so nice to know others have had the same struggles and we have found ways to understand how important we are to our kids

Oh 'bum mum' is much better - brava!

I agree, it's been so lovely and reassuring to hear other people's experiences and perspectives ❤. I'm really happy that I built up the courage to start this thread.