Finding it hard being *a* mum, rather than *the* mum

[CalonHapus]

DD is 7 weeks old and DW carried her and is EBF. I have an older DS from a previous relationship (with a man, so a different scenario).

I've realised this morning that I'm struggling a bit with being a mum who isn't the mum. I'm DD's parent but I'm not her primary caregiver and I'm not the person who can meet all her needs (in the way I was for DS).

It's like my brain has a blueprint for what my 'mother role' is/should be and is getting confused and a bit upset that I'm not fulfilling this role.

I cuddle DD, help to settle her in the witching hour(s), play with her, change her. I'm doing all the cooking and housework so that DW can just focus on caring for DD and/or resting. On an objective/intellectual level, I know that the most important relationship for DD is with DW (i.e. the mother-baby dyad) but it's as if part of my brain can't understand why I don't have that role when I had it with DS.

Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that this has happened but I am. I think I assumed that as I wouldn't be having the hormones and physical changes of pregnancy and birth, I wouldn't feel this way.

Has anyone else experienced similar?

I’ve done it both ways, wife and I each had a baby, with the same donor. She went first so I was other mum, then two years later I had our second so was birth mum.

The reality is that in that first year, the relationship between baby and birth mum just is different and is more important - especially if breastfeeding - and as other mum / parent / dad you are in a more supporting / ancillary / helping out wherever possible kind of position. I think things start to even out a bit after the first year, especially if you make an effort to share things like bedtimes, solo care, find ways to have special little rituals and things that just you and the baby do, but in the first year or so that’s just the way it is.

I really struggled with this too, and without the previous experience of being a birthing mum. My wife carried my biological child, now 18mo, and is pregnant with my biological twins.

I struggled with the idea of never feeling the baby inside me, right up to the same struggles your having now about not being THE mum. I found myself in the supporting role too, doing the invisible jobs, cooking cleaning laundry etc which meant my wife could focus on recovering from birth and EBF. but i also made sure, same as you, that I spent loads of quality time bonding with our daughter. I loved doing nappies, bathing her, having her sleep in the sling on me. Fast foward to now, and that foundation has been so worth it. Now she's not really breastfed, wife and i have much more balanced roles.

It is an uncomfortable feeling, and I bet made worse because you have been THE mum. But you will settle into your role within the family, you are just as important and special to that little baby as your partner is. Yes she has the more tangible role because she carried and is breastfeeding, but you are the baby's parent too.

I found my peace by calling myself mami instead of mummy (wife has that moniker) so i didnt need to be THE mum. Do whatever works for you to accept it.

Its also pretty lonely, you dont fit in with the mums, and dont fit in with the dads. There are other two mum families out there, try to find some in your area so that you have people who to relate to. Or pm me if you want to chat about anything in particular x

Thanks so much for your reply @KindredPoodle - I especially like the idea of establishing some special little rituals with DD ❤

@StarShine23 I found my peace by calling myself mami instead of mummy (wife has that moniker) so i didnt need to be THE mum. Do whatever works for you to accept it.

I'm mami too!

Thank you so much for sending such a kind and understanding reply - I really appreciate it x ❤

Oh gosh, I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you don't fit in with the Mums or the Dads. There was a really awkward moment at an antenatal class when the facilitator asked all 'the Dads' to leave the room and I was like 'do you, erm, want me to leave too...?' 😳

That's awesome that you're mami too. Our little one has just leant to say mum and mam. Its really funny when she does it.

I had exactly the same thing happen in our antenatal class too..luckily though our facilator had preempted the awkwardness and told us before...what did you do?? I went thr the bar and had a beer with the dads. I realised in that situation I had more in vomment with them than the birthing parents. Plus beer!!

There's loads of other examples of how other people don't know how to react with 2 mums. But just know you are a mum to your little baby. And she will adore you

It is hard. If you can, talk to your DW about it.

At our antenatal groups, the facilitator kept calling me 'dad' and then apologising, but she still kept doing it. I found it really shit, TBH, because the dads were literally talking over my head, and most of what they were talking about didn't really apply to me. But, unfortunately, it is a good predictor of how people are. My ex and I separated late last year, and it was a huge eye-opener how many people said things like 'will she still let you see [DDsname]' or 'aren't you lucky [DDsname] still visits!' (FWIW we have 50/50 time with DD and I'm her legal parent; I was her main carer for most of her life, although it was a pretty even split).

I think the thing I wish I'd done differently is to rock the boat more. I felt like it was my fault I didn't have a settled role, and tended to brush off silly comments/feeling awkward. I wish now I'd challenged them more! I don't know if that is the right answer, but I look back and think I should have had more confidence to say no, I'm her mum too, stop treating me like some randomer off the street.

It does get much easier as they get older, though, because it becomes more obvious that what makes you a mum is loving a child and caring for them, and people stop being so invested in the biology.

The facilitator said I should stay because it was just an opportunity for the women to talk about 'embarrassing body stuff' that they didn't want the men to hear... (Apparently the Dads just all stood around awkwardly for 20 minutes so I definitely didn't miss out on anything by not joining them - your group of Dads sounds a lot more fun!)

Ugh that sucks that people said those things to you @SarahAndQuack😔 I know what you mean about feeling too awkward to challenge people / not wanting to 'make a scene'. I'm going to keep 'I'm her Mam, not some randomer off the street' in my back pocket from now on! Thanks so much for your reply ❤

We had this! But the facilitator said (rightly enough) that my partner might not want me to hear. So I had the treat of doing the 'dad' exercise where we were meant to discuss what changes we'd noticed. Such a weird thing to do!

I have been in this situation too - from both sides. Remember it's early days and in many way, this bit is the hardest. Your bond may take a bit more time and it will be different, but it will come. I think as pp suggests, little rituals are good. Mine are nearly grown up now so that bit is a distant memory. The bond I have with each of mine is different but very strong. You will get there.

I'm the 'other' mum too - and now that DS1 is 3 we have a pretty equal bond, but as PPs have said, it takes a lot of conscious effort to get to that point (and several months of doing all the bedtimes in our case while my partner was busy with DS2). I actually think it's a brilliant opportunity though - if you look at straight couples it's really unusual to find one where the dad has put in that much effort to be a fully equal parent. It's like heterosexual parents just assume that this is the way parental roles are so it doesn't even occur to them that building that kind of bond takes careful thought and planning. Whereas if you are two mums you know that a lot of it is habit and socialisation and you get to choose what parts of parenting you want to both be able to do.

So glad I found this thread. Really struggling with being the "other" mother and always feeling like the least preferred parent. It is definitely better the more I do with our little one but when you're being rejected a lot, it is hard not to take it personally, and also hard not to end up stepping back and then it becomes a self-fulfilling cycle. Definitely looking for other two mum families to connect with so I feel less alone!

@mumwithallthebooks how old is your little one? I found it took a few months of doing a lot of the more boring bits of parenting (bathtime, bedtime, nursery dropoffs) before I got to be the one DS calls at 5:30am because he has a 'pointy bit' on his toenail and wants it trimmed RIGHT NOW.

There's a book (memoir) by Jen Brister called 'The Other Mother' that you might also enjoy - I remember reading it as preparation.

I think this is so true.

It is also fascinating seeing how many of the truisms we are told about the 'biology' of maternal bonding are, well, questionable. When DD was born, so many people said - with absolute conviction - that it was a biological instinct that meant mothers woke up at the slightest sound from a newborn and fathers slept through. Absolute twaddle - I woke up every time, and a good bloody thing, because ex-P had had a brutal section and couldn't lift the baby. I subsequently found that there is research - much less well publicised! - that finds that many of the things attributed to maternal biology are actually perfectly possible to find and measure in men who care equally for their children and non-bio parents.

Haven't you found there is so little research and studies done on non-hetrosexual roles for parenting. We are such an unseen group of parents that there is hardly any literature or support for us. Thanks for starting this thread OP, like .

I read 'The Other Mother' too, I would also recommend.

@CalonHapus how are you getting on? How's the little one?

Thanks @RainBow725 - this is really reassuring to hear ❤

@BarnacleBeasley yes! I love that DW and I have such an equal parenting relationship (apart from feeding). I only know of one heterosexual couple where they come even close to this.

Hi @mumwithallthebooks, thanks so much for replying ❤ I'm really glad you found the thread too - it's been so helpful to hear from other parents in this situation. Feeling rejected must be so tough - sending you good vibes. I think lots of kids go through phases like that, don't they, where they actively express a preference for one parent over the other. I was a single parent with DS so didn't experience that but I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for it potentially happening with DD...

I've read The Other Mother too! Love that book 😍

This is so fascinating! But also makes me feel bad for all the heterosexual women having to cope alone while their partner 'sleeps through'...

I'm doing OK thanks @StarShine23 - hope you are too❤ Today is my first day back in the actual office since DD was born (I've been working from home since I finished paternity leave) so it's a bit tough being apart from DD and DW for the first time. Looking forward to lots of cwtches when I get home later!

DD is doing really well, thanks - 8 weeks now and smiling loads 😍

Read this all with interest - glad I found this thread and some other 'other mums'. Am the other mum to DS. Was so hard at first - felt like my partner had left me for a new relationship with the baby! My role seemed to be little other than breadwinner and (when not at work) nappy changer. In the first few months I started to wonder whether I should just leave as I felt such a spare part.

But put in all the time and love and several years on he and I have a very close relationship. And my partner still mentions with awe at how good I was at getting up with him in the night and giving her time to sleep. What were all those Dads doing?!

Oh wow. Hope that went ok! First day apart from them is tough. I remember crying whilst trying to get dressed the first day i had to go back in.
Glad you little one is doing well those first smiles are amazing. 😍 enjoy x

Thanks for the replies @BarnacleBeasley and @CalonHapus. My little one is 3. I've had the last month with him due to summer holidays and it has made an enormous difference as I've been so much more available than I am during term time when I'm working. It's made me absolutely single-minded that I need to change work to facilitate being present more. And yes, The Other Mother is great!