Should I send DS to C of E school as lesbian parent?

[purpledaze24]

My DS is only 3 atm and has two mums but we are separated. We share 50/50 custody of DS and we both currently live in an urban area with plenty of other same sex parents around. Our local primary school is not religious and would have a fair amount of other kids of same sex parents. However, I hate living here. I grew up in a small village and went to the local school and always wanted that for my DC. I have found a house I love in a tiny village only 20 min outside the city that I could easily afford if I sold my current house. I’d love to move there and for DS to go to the small local primary school that’d just be a short walk from this house. Problem is the school is C of E and on its website has a lot about Christian values and principles. We are very much not religious either. As a lesbian mother would my child be welcome there and taught about different families? Do you think he would potentially be bullied because of his parents? Any same sex parents out there have kids at a C of E school? If so what is your experience? Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)

My DD goes to a small rural C of E school that is quite heavy on the religion. The C of E side hasn't been the slightest issue (though probably it helps that her mother and I are regular C of E churchgoers; DD is usually the only child at her school who actually goes to church). I would be more cautious about the small village aspect. The parents of children at DD's school are all individually lovely people, but with very little diversity, people do say and do things that are unintentionally exclusionary/not very thoughtful.

I wouldn’t have thought that a state funded school could stray too far from the national curriculum

I have taught in a few CofE schools and the above poster is right, they teach the natural curriculum and that includes evolution. They will teach more Christianity in RE than non faith schools but still teach other faiths. Most/A lot of Christians believe that the world being made in 7 days is not literal anyway and that the 7 days are very long, E.g believe in evolution anyway. (But that is another story…)
The assemblies will be Christian based generally too.
Most schools I have taught in have a large demographic of parents/ families and same sec parents wouldn’t be treated any differently.

The church is definitely moving in terms of same sex relationships. There has just been a historic vote passed to approve same sex marriage blessings by the Senod. The Dean of our city Cathedral is openly gay. My lovely vicar friend doesn’t give a hoot if someone is gay and two men in our church choir are a couple. But like everywhere you will always come across ‘that person’ so whichever school you pick you will never completely safe guard your son.

I grew up in the Church of England and don’t know anyone who believes in creationism/doesn’t believe in evolution. I would therefore be very surprised at a CoE school teaching creationism as fact. In fact the Church of England has said that evolution is compatible with religion and even issued an apology of sorts to Charles Darwin about 10-15 years ago.

Although I’m no longer a church goer I grew up in a (to the outside quite traditional in terms of music/liturgy etc) church where the vicar, church warden and choir master were openly gay (along with many of the congregation) - prayers and blessings were said for same sex couples long before it became more widely accepted.

I’m sure there will be variation by church and maybe I’ve been incredibly lucky but on the whole the CoE is not the right wing American style fundamentalist organisation it often gets lumped in with online.

I work in a CofE school and worked in another. Former had display in hall with every possible family arrangement represented and was promoting love and family, also had same-sex parents at the school.

Current is very inclusive and our vicar is gay. I also know two lesbians (from church) whose son goes to a village CofE very happily.

Visit and get the vibe - you can tell if it will be a good fit. You're more likely to have issues with religious zealot parents than staff.

Really depends on the school, but in our experience ( running a big LGBTQ parenting group) you will have issues - generally from the other parents if not the staff.
Your child WILL be taught that man & woman is ‘normal’ and that marriage is between a man and a woman.
So even if you do t have open issues with parents/ staff have a think about what affect this message will have in your child. Either consciously or subconsciously.

DS is at a CofE school, we aren't religious, it's just the better school round here. I don't think the teachers are either, but the do have visits to church o er religious holidays etc. The openly teach about different families (same sex parents, living with grandparents instead of parents etc) so unless it's a particularly religious school I can't see it being a problem

Mine go to a village CofE primary. Just in DC1's class there are two children with lesbian parents. Never been an issue in the least.

Your child WILL be taught that man & woman is ‘normal’ and that marriage is between a man and a woman.

Why are schools still allowed to teach that? Especially state schools.

As a Catholic I say YES. It’s 2024 and it will almost certainly be fine.

I say almost certainly as you can never tell a particular school’s atmosphere regardless of their affiliation.

Your child WILL be taught that man & woman is ‘normal’ and that marriage is between a man and a woman.

My DC were not taught that.

I know this wasn't the question, but how would travel to school work on days your ex has ds?

You need to speak to the school directly. As it's a state school they will need to provide the national curriculum. Theory of evolution and RE is taught within that. Schools can pick and choose their RE topics and some concentrate more on Christianity etc. However, as neither of those topics are fact, they will be taught as theory. Each school will differ though in how they phrase it. It's difficult to give you a definite answer as your experience may change even whilst your children are at school. A change of teacher or leadership makes a big difference.

I had a similar experience with my DC's CoE primary school. My youngest only left last year.

There were at least 3 families with lesbian parents in the school. Maybe more that I was unaware of.

‘Your child WILL be taught that man & woman is ‘normal’ and that marriage is between a man and a woman.

Why are schools still allowed to teach that? Especially state schools.’

Church Schools are NOT the same as a state school.

and with the best will in the world, posters here stating that there are families with two mums at their school and no-one ‘minds’ has very little insight into the reality of that families experience in that school.
Its like white parents telling you there’s no racism at their school because there are black and Asian kids attending

A couple we know have just moved schools because their children were left out of whole class parties and socially ostracised aged 5 and 7. Not a church school. Clearly this isn’t the kids doing this but the parents.
And there’s very little a school can do about things happening outside of school, even if they were inclined to get involved.
Op - join the LGBTQ parenting group in your area - they’ll be on Facebook and similar and ask for real experiences from gay parents I. Your area.
that would be my best advice

My dc went to our village CoE primary school. I'm a totally lapsed ex Catholic atheist, but the school was Outstanding, across the road and had good wrap around provision.

There were at least 3 lesbian couples with children there at the same time as them.
No one was bothered AFAIK - dd was friends with the dc from one family and we knew them quite well for a while.

The churchiness was manageable. "Christian values" is largely thoughtful, being nice to each other. Both DC covered all major religions in PE, and non-traditional families in PSHE.

I think the days of fire and brimstone may be over.

Maybe a generation or 2 ago, but nowadays I don’t think anyone will bat an eyelid and it will be inclusive.

I work in a C of E school and the majority of staff are not religious and would not judge same sex parents.

Gay parent and primary school teacher here. Each school is its own micro-universe. No matter what is on the national curriculum or what the school religion professes to be i would be thinking about the culture of the surrounding area and attitudes of parents, which inevitably filter down to children.

My children go to a small village school just outside a large town. Its predominantly white upper working class and when my wife and went to look around we felt it was very positive and nobody, other staff or parents, bothered that we were a same sex family.

We looked around another school 5 mins in the other direction and did not get good 'vibes'.

I would advise you and your partner/ex to go and get a feel. Hang around at 3pm and get a feel for the parents.

I’m RE lead in a C of E school. There has been a huge drive towards inclusivity in all schools and I have been pleased to see this being echoed in all diocese led training I’ve attended in recent years.
As a school, staff members have recently had an LGBTQ+ INSET. We also have same sex parents at school.

I have recently attended a blessing in a C of E church of a same sex couple, as I believe same sex marriages are now ‘recognised’ by the Church of England.

Obviously all schools differ. However if you encounter difficulties it wouldn’t necessarily be down to the teachings or directions of the Church.

Church Schools are NOT the same as a state school.

But ... they typically are, right? About 1 in 3 state schools are faith schools; probably more in rural areas such as the OP is talking about. And, in theory, all state schools must perform an 'act of worship'. Pupils may be withdrawn, but the requirement is still there. There isn't a separation between Church and State in England.

I agree that there's a bit of a tendency for MNers to assume that homophobia is a thing of the past, but this section is for LGBT parents. Quite a few people posting will be gay parents and probably all of ours insights are as varied as ourselves.

That said ... I have recently attended a blessing in a C of E church of a same sex couple, as I believe same sex marriages are now ‘recognised’ by the Church of England.

That's a really thorny issue and frankly, if you teach RE in a C of E school, you ought to know better. https://www.churchofengland.org/life-events/your-church-wedding/just-engaged/information-same-sex-couples

I know a CofE Primary school that has a headteacher who is in a same sex relationship.

CofE schools should be inclusive. As others have said they have a SIAMS inspection so will have to demonstrate they are a Church school but also that they are inclusive.

Why do you think this?