Ex partner and special occasion arrangements for our son

[Hare95]

Hi everyone! I’m in desperate need of some advice as I feel like crying I’m so worked up about this whole topic 😭

short overview - with ex partner (both female) for 15 years. Have a beautiful 6yo that I carried. Both on birth certificate. Stopped living together in 2018, relationship was very off and on. Finally separated for good in November 2021, not amicable for the most part, I am the main carer of our son with the split being approx 85% me and 15% (probably less) her. Both have new partners (I’m now in a heterosexual relationship and my ex is in a new relationship with a woman).

I received a solicitors letter on behalf of my ex around 1.5-2 months ago alleging I had been harassing her via text (no phone calls, emails, personal visits despite knowing where she lives and works, which you would expect if I was harassing her). To put it into perspective, I’ve sent her 17 more text messages in 3 months than she sent to me, which is hardly harassment in my eyes. Sorry I should probably say that the messages were reaching 3 figures (on both sides) so 17 really was minimal! This was also massively upsetting as she was physically violent multiple times in our relationship. It just felt like a real kick in the teeth 😔

the letter also said she wants to alternate birthdays and Christmas (last year she had him half of both days). And that she’s happy to continue corresponding with me about our son.

after lots of advice I decided against responding to her letter. I’ve stopped texting her and most of the time now it’s her that contacts me first. As for the arrangements on special occasions, I thought well if she’s happy to still discuss our son, then I’ll speak to her about those arrangements when she asks.

which she now has…and is the reason I need some advice please! 🙏 I’ve said I’m happy to split birthday and Christmas 50/50 (we have our son for half the day each). She’s happy so do that, but wants us to alternate who has him the first part of the day. I’ve said I feel it’s unfair given I take care of our son 85-90% of the time that she then gets equal treatment on special occasions. Yes I’m happy to split the days, but I really want our son on the first part of those days and feel as I’m the one that puts in the blood sweat and tears for the full year, that it’s only fair that I get to choose which part of the day he’s with me. There are also other reasons for me saying this though; if my son is with me on the afternoon, he will miss seeing most of her family and my family on both birthdays and Christmas, as my family are always visiting in the morning/early afternoon, and her family are always the latter part of the day. So it makes sense that we work around that too, so our son doesn’t miss out on seeing family (which I know particularly on Christmas morning would really upset him as he hasn’t spent one night at home on Christmas Eve, it’s always been with me and my ex and my family). But in light of her being so against me sticking to the first part of the day, I’ve said I feel our son is old enough now to give us his own opinion so to ask him what he wants.

she’s now unhappy with this as she things both her and I will try to persuade him as naturally we want him on the mornings. So I’ve counteracted that and said I’m happy to sit down in person with her and our son, to explain Black and white what he will do with both of us if he were to be with us for the morning or the afternoon, and then for him to choose. That way no one can do any persuading, and we are doing what our son wants which at the age of 7 I do feel we should be listening to. Again, she’s arguing this. She doesn’t want to, she just wants to make the decision for him.

im trying so hard to be fair but I’m hitting my head up a brick wall. I’m getting so upset worrying she’s going to try and do something to cause me problems. What I also find hard is she won’t have our son for 50% of the school holidays (half terms, Easter, six weeks holiday) she will have him for a day in the half term and 1 week in the 6 weeks. Surely if she wants everything equal, it should be equal on that front too!

am I being unreasonable or OTT? I just don’t know anymore to be honest 😔

if anyone has reached the end of this…thank you!! 🤣 I know it’s long so I apologise! X

You need to think in terms of what would be the best for your son. What's 'fair' between you and your ex is not what matters. It's hard when she is being an arse, but you need to focus on him. Don't get him involved in the adult disputes.

As above, all your child should know is that he has two parents who love him and want to spend time with him.

As a divorced parent I understand you’re upset around this, but I really think you have to step back a bit. Personally, I think it’s a bit selfish to make kids split the day. They can’t settle anywhere and is all a real rush around. As much as I hated not seeing DS on Xmas day some years, I think it’s better all round to allow full day every other year. You can make other plans I’ve the festive season to have special days.

I do agree with you, you’re doing the majority of the parenting so you want the best part of the day! I felt like this when I started co parenting with my sons dad.
we’ve had to agree to alternate mornings/afternoons and it was hard at first but we found ways to make it work.
we do the family visits now instead of people coming to us, so the times work for us!
and before me and my current partner had our own children we used to go all out on presents for each other, nice big brekkie too! And that helped me to enjoy Christmas mornings without my little
boy, also knowing he will be having just as great of a time opening all his presents off his dad.
it does get easier xx

I understand why you want the best part of the days but you need to alternate so that your son isn't forced to choose. Please don't ask him what he would prefer as it is a form of asking him to choose a parent.
Every other year you will have to tweak arrangements eg celebrate birthday with extended family on weekend closest to the day or do it a day later. It means he gets more than one celebration which all kids would enjoy.

can I ask why you think this is appalling to ask our son simply which part of the day he wants to spend with which parent? I’m not asking him to choose one parent over the other, as in his eyes he gets special parts of Christmas with both parents (waking up with one, presents etc and then Christmas dinner with the other, and again presents etc)

Because you are putting the conflict between two adults on the shoulders of your child.
No matter how you phrase it. He is 6. It's an adult decision. He will know you don't want to have him in the afternoon. He'll be torn between trying to please both of you.

I'm flabbergasted you don't see it- literally everyone here has said not to.

You are being selfish here and not thinking of what's best for your son.

At 6/7 he is old enough to understand what both his Mom's want from him, and that in choosing one options is letting one parent down.

If his answer didn't matter, you wouldn't be asking him, so his answer matters, and he's going to make one of his Mom's sad when he chooses even though you'll both say it's ok.

That's why People are saying don't put it on him. Esp with you both there explaining what a nicer time he'll have with each of you and how much Aunty Doris will be sad when he isn't there.

It's full on emotional blackmail even if unintended.

I'm sorry she's a crap ex and a lacklustre Mom

Christmas one - you have him in the morning
Christmas two - she has him in the morning
Christmas three - you have him in the morning

Repeat.

If You are adult enough to have a child you should be adult enough to sort this shit out without involving a child! This is not about yours or your ex's wants this is about a child and they should come first. Just alternate christmas and birthdays, stop complicating things for your benefit these 'half days' may seen fair to you and your ex (even though you cant even agree on that) but it is seriously unfair on the child. No child wants to be ripped away from their new presents on christmas day, honestly its just wrong.

@Hare95 My response stands, putting a six year old in the position that grown adults struggle with is nonsense.

I am sorry you are having a hare time in life,. But that has absolutely nothing to do with putting a child in that position.

Don't ask your son. Even if you word it reasonably he will feel pressured and having to choose knowing someone will be unhappy is awful.
I'd alternate so one birthday you get morning and she gets afternoon and the next year she gets morning and you get afternoon. Same with Xmas, you could even arrange it so if you get birthday morning she gets Xmas and vice versa

What struck me here is this:

I should probably say that the messages were reaching 3 figures (on both sides) so 17 really was minimal!

Why on earth are you texting each other so much?

I'd step right back and disengage from her. She sounds toxic.

I hope she's paying you CMS.

I agree with this they could be having a lovely morning then they get disrupted and have to go and see different people when do they get t

What if the birthday is on a school day? It'll all go to shit then. And you don't ask a six year old; that's manipulative. You tell him what's happening and why. You don't seem to be grasping this. Why is that?

Yes I think that would be a better idea. A whole day with each of you.

And don't ask him. Be the adult.

Please don’t suggest my son isn’t my priority. He absolutely is, and if you cared to read the hell she has put me through, often affecting our son, I think you may be more of the opinion that I am the one prioritising our child! I’m sorry but this comment has really got my back up. You’re making assumptions, and making a very hurtful remark. I’m doing this, asking questions, thinking of all possibilities because I am prioritising my son.

And I’m sorry but I don’t see how you are unable to see how rude you’re being. There are so many ways you could have worded your response, telling me I’m selfish is adding more upset and hurt to a parent that is battling to do her best against a “Co-parent” (i use this phrase lightly) that makes every possible decision at every turn, an absolute nightmare. I suffer a lot with my mental and physical health and I’m registered disabled. I went from having the support of my ex to her walking away, telling me to commit suicide when I was down, asking me for favours (adjusting the rota her unwell family member which meant I had our son on what was meant to be her rota) to the find out she’s just taking advantage of me, and when I say I can’t help anymore for this reason, she dictates to me that I WILL keep doing it for her! Honestly she’s put me through hell and all I’m doing is trying to do what I thought was fair for me because I put the hard work in all year round so why should I then miss the best part of Christmas?! But not only that, my son wants to be with me in the morning and not my ex (no I haven’t asked him, but he is very vocal about wanting to be with me and my parents Christmas Eve and morning), and then to add to it, the way I’m suggesting means he doesn’t miss out on seeing any family either. And no they can’t change arrangements as they’re elderly and live a long way away. They don’t want us visiting them as it’s too much stress with so many people. I just don’t see how I can be accused of being selfish in all this. It’s really upset me to be honest! I just hope when you are struggling with something and you ask for advice you aren’t judged like I have been.

His birthday falls in the holidays every year.

im grasping what you’re saying, I just personally think asking a child a preference about where he would like to be on Christmas morning and Christmas afternoon, as simple as that, can’t possibly be seen as manipulation. Manipulation is trying to manipulate someone into doing something. An open ended question is far from that. I know my son and I know how to ask him his preferences without him then thinking more into it. And surely if he’s mentally mature enough to think into the question, he’s mature enough to voice an opinion/preference? We wouldn’t look negatively upon asking our children of this age whether they would like to go and stay at a grandparents house instead of with parents one weekend, so why is this any different if it’s handled in an age appropriate way?

It’s different because his two parents have different opinions and are essentially asking him to choose between them. That’s not good for him at all.

but I think with the zero compromise and the zero support and taking him for any time in the holidays etc I’d say
’sure, we can alternate years on sharing the birthdays by having the morning. Would you rather start this year or next year on having the morning?
Christmas however he will be here on the morning, and that way he sees my family who come in the mornign and your family at yours who come in the afternoon so I’m not sure why you’d want anything else. I repeat that you are welcome to have him for a couple of weeks over summer or half of any of the school holidays, he’d love to have that longer time with you. Just make sure you give me 2 months notice as that’s the time I need to book in advance for holiday camps etc and as a single mum who has him 95% of the time, booking holidays camps is expensive and essential so I can keep my job. <this would be my subtle way of saying you’re a crap parent who never sees him so fuck off about taking my Christmas morning!>

Also, I am going to start using an app for coparenting. I will let you know the details once I’ve set it up and then will communicate over that.

i mean, let her take you to court. What else can she do, she never ever does any favour or anything extra for you at all, if you’re sick or it’s an emergency she’s not there, there’s nothing less she can do to get at you here because she’s mad you won’t compromise.

Sorry I’m struggling to reply to all of these messages so I thought I’d add a general response.

Firstly, thank you to everyone for taking their time to reply regardless of the opinion.

I really appreciate the time that’s been taken to provide advice/opinions. In all honesty though, some of these responses have really knocked me back. I’m only trying to get to grips with what’s best for everyone, and I am considering everyone of course with the priority being my son. There is no right or wrong answer to any of this, so it’s hard for anyone to know what the right thing to do is. I personally feel what’s right for one family isn’t right for another, as we all have different family set ups, commitments, travel needs etc etc.

I will of course take away everything that has been said. But please, can the few that have left some strongly worded, and often generally unkind replies, please just try to consider the impact that those words will have on others; even more so in such a sensitive, emotionally driven situation.

x

as a single mum who has him 95% of the time, booking holidays camps is expensive and essential so I can keep my job don't do that. The rest of the message great but OP has to be the "bigger person" here

I think it's fine to keep doing things as you suggest it makes sense to wake up with you and see your family then see them for the evening it's the tradition he has got used to as well. I would say you'll keep as is for the next couple of years and re-evaluate when he is 9