Ex partner and special occasion arrangements for our son

[Hare95]

Hi everyone! I’m in desperate need of some advice as I feel like crying I’m so worked up about this whole topic 😭

short overview - with ex partner (both female) for 15 years. Have a beautiful 6yo that I carried. Both on birth certificate. Stopped living together in 2018, relationship was very off and on. Finally separated for good in November 2021, not amicable for the most part, I am the main carer of our son with the split being approx 85% me and 15% (probably less) her. Both have new partners (I’m now in a heterosexual relationship and my ex is in a new relationship with a woman).

I received a solicitors letter on behalf of my ex around 1.5-2 months ago alleging I had been harassing her via text (no phone calls, emails, personal visits despite knowing where she lives and works, which you would expect if I was harassing her). To put it into perspective, I’ve sent her 17 more text messages in 3 months than she sent to me, which is hardly harassment in my eyes. Sorry I should probably say that the messages were reaching 3 figures (on both sides) so 17 really was minimal! This was also massively upsetting as she was physically violent multiple times in our relationship. It just felt like a real kick in the teeth 😔

the letter also said she wants to alternate birthdays and Christmas (last year she had him half of both days). And that she’s happy to continue corresponding with me about our son.

after lots of advice I decided against responding to her letter. I’ve stopped texting her and most of the time now it’s her that contacts me first. As for the arrangements on special occasions, I thought well if she’s happy to still discuss our son, then I’ll speak to her about those arrangements when she asks.

which she now has…and is the reason I need some advice please! 🙏 I’ve said I’m happy to split birthday and Christmas 50/50 (we have our son for half the day each). She’s happy so do that, but wants us to alternate who has him the first part of the day. I’ve said I feel it’s unfair given I take care of our son 85-90% of the time that she then gets equal treatment on special occasions. Yes I’m happy to split the days, but I really want our son on the first part of those days and feel as I’m the one that puts in the blood sweat and tears for the full year, that it’s only fair that I get to choose which part of the day he’s with me. There are also other reasons for me saying this though; if my son is with me on the afternoon, he will miss seeing most of her family and my family on both birthdays and Christmas, as my family are always visiting in the morning/early afternoon, and her family are always the latter part of the day. So it makes sense that we work around that too, so our son doesn’t miss out on seeing family (which I know particularly on Christmas morning would really upset him as he hasn’t spent one night at home on Christmas Eve, it’s always been with me and my ex and my family). But in light of her being so against me sticking to the first part of the day, I’ve said I feel our son is old enough now to give us his own opinion so to ask him what he wants.

she’s now unhappy with this as she things both her and I will try to persuade him as naturally we want him on the mornings. So I’ve counteracted that and said I’m happy to sit down in person with her and our son, to explain Black and white what he will do with both of us if he were to be with us for the morning or the afternoon, and then for him to choose. That way no one can do any persuading, and we are doing what our son wants which at the age of 7 I do feel we should be listening to. Again, she’s arguing this. She doesn’t want to, she just wants to make the decision for him.

im trying so hard to be fair but I’m hitting my head up a brick wall. I’m getting so upset worrying she’s going to try and do something to cause me problems. What I also find hard is she won’t have our son for 50% of the school holidays (half terms, Easter, six weeks holiday) she will have him for a day in the half term and 1 week in the 6 weeks. Surely if she wants everything equal, it should be equal on that front too!

am I being unreasonable or OTT? I just don’t know anymore to be honest 😔

if anyone has reached the end of this…thank you!! 🤣 I know it’s long so I apologise! X

You can't make your 6yo choose between their parents.

Stop the nonsense in asking a 6 year old - very unfair and in court it could look manipulated and leaning towards parent alienation.

Simply alternate each year the first part of the day.

Don't get your son involved. Just alternate. You may be right and possibly she'll back down and suggest you revert to what it currently is but she's already put in a spurious harassment claim.

She will fight and fight and the only winners will be the lawyers.

And finally I'm very sorry, it sounds horrible and I'm sorry she's been such an arse.

It seems very odd your ex does not want DS for more time in the summer holidays. Does she contribute to his upkeep if you have him 85-90 percent of the time? I think you'll have to either insist upon sharing Xmas day and birthday or alternative years. I might offer her the first half of his birthday if I could keep him for Xmas morning and by default Xmas Eve to hang his stocking up. With a 6 year old you could celebrate his birthday a day early and he wouldn't mind.

@MadeForThis I would never do that. I’m simply giving him the opportunity to provide his own preference on whether he would like to be with me for the first part of his birthday and Christmas Day, or with his other Mum. He will still see us both on those days regardless of his choice, so it’s not choosing between us.

@Marblessolveeverything could you have maybe worded that a little better and been a little nicer? I’m having absolute hell with my ex. I’m disabled and having a very tough time with my health, and since my ex upped and left 19 months ago I have suddenly gone from having two parents around most of the time, to it just being me 85-90% of the time (every few weeks she doesn’t see or speak to him for 12 consecutive days). I’ve had a serious car crash on holiday and asked her if she could help me out by having our son on the weekend (I didn’t tell her about the accident at that point) and she said she had plans. So I at that point explained I’d been in a serious car crash and she completely ignored me and responded asking if I had yet purchased my son’s school shoes! She told me to commit suicide when I was at rock bottom with my mental health, and now this whole solicitors palaver despite the only birthday and Christmas we have gone through whilst not amicable, she spent more time with our son than I did. She has made and is continuing to make my parenting life miserable. I feel my original post shows I’m just a Mum trying to do the right thing, and although I thank you for taking the time to read and offer advice, to be told I’m acting in a nonsense like manner just wasn’t what I needed!

Yes it is, and could be seen as controlling behaviour or parental alienation. He’s 6. Do NOT get him involved!!!

I’m simply giving him the opportunity to provide his own preference on whether he would like to be with me for the first part of his birthday and Christmas Day, or with his other Mum. He will still see us both on those days regardless of his choice, so it’s not choosing between us.

This is appalling. Do not put your child through that. He will know there is an issue between you on this.

I think you are being inflexible to be honest insisting on the mornings. Families can change when they visit. I don't think this is a hill to die on.

@Clymene thanks so much for commenting. When you say to agree to alternate, I am agreeing to alternate currently but I would like the mornings, is this what you meant?

I just feel I should have that little bit of extra special time with our son given I’m the one that’s there all year round, but also because this way he will see more of my family and her family on those special occasions just purely down to family members work/location/lifestyle etc. So by her having him the latter part of these days, he will see more of her family which I don’t know why she would want to change 🤷‍♀️

She absolutely is an arse! Isn’t it amazing how we can spend so many years with someone for it to all then end up like this!

Ynu

I split from my ex when my DD was 5. We had a 50/50 arrangement from the start. Christmas and birthdays were taken alternately, so in the first year she went to her DFs on Christmas Eve and I picked her up on Boxing Day morning. Then my family had our joint Christmas Day celebrations but a day later. Yes, it was awful for me that year, but I got over it. The bonus for DD was that she did in fact have 2 Christmas days every year, which she loved. This still continues to this day where we see her every other Christmas Day.

You also need a co-parenting app to avoid the problems with messaging.
https://separ8.co.uk/tips-advice/co-parenting-apps-which-one-to-choose/

@Clymene apologies, not sure how that posted!

You need a mediator.

@caringcarer she does contribute financially in line with what the CSA tell her to pay 😊 I’d be happy for her payments to be less for her to spend more time with him though. She just says she can’t because she works, yet I know she gets more than one week of annual leave in the financial year and if it were me, I would want to spend every day of holiday I could with my son. Ultimately when we decide to become parents we put ourselves (and our annual leave) second don’t we! Or so I think 😊

I think she may potentially agree to your suggestion of Christmas morning with me and the same year birthday morning with her and then the opposite the following year. Although this isn’t something she’s suggested when I’ve said I’m happy to do 50/50 birthday and Christmas, but I would prefer mornings (partly because I feel I should get that special time if I’m the main cater and putting in the majority of the hard work all year, but also because if I were to have my son on the afternoons on these days, he would miss out on seeing my wider family (Great Grandparents etc)). So I don’t know why she hasn’t come back to me with an alternative suggestion like yours. But then again, throughout this break up and our Co-parenting journey, not once has she compromised on anything, it’s either been her way or no way! Even to the point of leaving me with no car seat when my family member accidentally took mine home and she lives quite far away. My ex didn’t need her car seat so let me borrow it, but then mid way between me getting mine back she took hers off me even though she didn’t need it! I asked how I was supposed to get our son to school and she said simply “walk”. Knowing I’m disabled. Sorry this is long, just trying to give some context regarding her overall approach.

I think I’ll go back and suggest what you’ve said 😊

@Soontobe60 ive never heard of these until now. I will have a look thank you!

@SquishyGloopyBum thanks for commenting.

can I ask why you think this is appalling to ask our son simply which part of the day he wants to spend with which parent? I’m not asking him to choose one parent over the other, as in his eyes he gets special parts of Christmas with both parents (waking up with one, presents etc and then Christmas dinner with the other, and again presents etc)

unfortunately families can’t change when they visit. This is because my grandparents visit in the morning as they don’t like to drive later in the day, they are in their page 70s-80s and live nearly one hour away. As for my ex’s family they do all live closer, but on birthdays in particular they can’t see our son until the afternoon/evening as they work full time. So it just made sense to me to ensure our son could see all of his family as that’s what special occasions are about surely?

Sorry but at this age the decision shouldn't be with your son. When he's older sure.

I think its fair to alternate where he wakes up on Christmas day. Try to avoid travelling between homes on Christmas day especially.

No.

Don't put him in such an impossible position. Would you do the same if he was having a wobble about going to school or eating vegetables? You're his parents. You need to make this decision for him.

Alternate the days.

None of the other information is relevant; the time should be alternated. And other PP’s are correct; the 6yo shouldn’t be asked to choose as it’s a loaded question for him.

Think very carefully about who your suggestion benefits? Yes the family want to see him but it's a fact of split up life that the kids may not be there when they visit.

Also your son may get overwhelmed by trying to cram in all the people and all the presents in one day. I know my dsc would.

I'm.afraid I stopped reading after a while. Your son is priority here- end of.

I think what you say about family on Christmas is correct, so I would suggest she has him for the first part of birthdays. Whatever you trial this year, it is very likely your son will voice his opinion on it afterwards, you don't need to prompt him to do so.

I think you are both being very overzealous about the importance of a few extra minutes here and there, and both of you getting to see him in the morning specifically. I think alternating whole days is better than splitting the days. I can see it working at Christmas when you're mainly just at home, but less so on birthdays. Does that mean he never gets to go out for the day and do something? It makes his whole day about how much he's seen both of his parents that he gets to see all the time anyway, instead of actually doing something. It's about the two of you, not him having a good birthday.

So I guess I'm amending my original suggestion somewhat. What I would do is keep Christmas as it is as it suits both of your families, and start alternating his birthday in it's entirety.

It’s normal for both parents to want Christmas or birthday morning, your desire doesn’t trump your ex’s because you are the main parent.

At 6 all your child should know is that he has 2 parents who love him and want to spend time with him. Both parents should be facilitating this for the child’s sake, and making a workable plan for the child without dragging the child into bickering and nastiness between adults.