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LGBT parents

This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

Original poster

New to dating women

16 replies

cookies92 · 02/05/2023 19:52

I've never classed myself as bisexual, but ive come to terms with the fact I am. I messed around with girls as a teenager but as I always liked men and wanted a family I ended up with a man, having 2 children and marrying. 2 years ago we split up and are now divorced. I had a very brief 'affair' with one of my best friends which made me realise dating girls is something I really want to pursue. I'm pretty open about it with people but I don't know how to go about it. I'm on all the usual dating sites like tinder and bumble, I've had one date with a woman but it was far too platonic and truthfully I wasn't attracted to her.

I find on dating websites ill match with a woman, convo starts then stops. I never seem to get very far, whereas with a man I find it relatively easy to get a date. I'd really like to date more women and explore that side, can anyone give me any tips or tell me where I'm going wrong? 🙈 thanks.

OP posts:
LikeMindedLady · 17/05/2023 22:04

Out of interest are you describing yourself as bisexual/ bicurious etc? Sadly there does seem to be a misconception that if you're not 100% gay that you aren't serious about dating women or are just looking for a fling (or even worse ;) are part of a couple looking for 3some). Try leaving that info out of your profile and letting people make up their own minds when they meet you.

Unless you are in or near a major city be prepared to widen your search area and your age range too!

SarahAndQuack · 20/05/2023 13:46

When you say you don't get a date, do you mean you suggest a date and they go silent, or are you always waiting for someone else to cut to the chase and ask for a date?

If the latter, stop waiting. Suggest going for coffee/a drink/whatever.

Pleasegotobed · 25/06/2023 22:50

Hi OP, I’m the same - had been married to a man for a long time but realised that I’m actually a lesbian. I’ve had no luck dating either but it’s taken me a long time to feel ready after a tough divorce and I’m quite shy and cautious I think. I hate the “putting myself out there” part of online dating and find chatting online a bit tedious. I’d be fine in person!

No advice just solidarity - we need a support thread!!

Lisachloe32 · 29/07/2023 21:52

Hi op

im the same too did date a woman when I was younger and then dated a guy however have come to realise im lesbian and won’t be dating guys again I am getting messages from girls but a lot of them want threesomes with there husbands that’s just something im not into im not there just for entertainment hopefully it changes soon good luck!

BLOOMINTIRED · 18/10/2023 14:47

I have a similar experience, was married for 17 years, have two teens and I now know that i'm definitely gay!

A few things I've learned;

  • if you talk to people you know about it, they'll immediately try to set you up with their gay friends 😅
  • Lesbians are cautious, particularly around women who have previously been with men or are Bi
  • 'feelings' can develop much more quickly that with a man
  • be honest about what you are looking for, even if you're unsure.
  • Talk to your kids about it before you get into a serious relationship so they're not blindsided by mum bringing home a girlfriend
  • FLIRT! It sounds daft but flirt with women, compliment them, be direct and ask for their numbers or invite them out for coffee
  • The community is small, you may meet someone who was previously with someone you've already been on a date with so figure out how to get past the awkwardness of that, many also stay friends after they split...

I haven't used online dating, I don't think it's for me. I met someone, she was very openly gay and flirty but shy... so I invited her for a coffee with no expectations - best thing I ever did.

Original poster
cookies92 · 12/11/2023 22:34

Hi everyone

Not been on here in a while!

So a few weeks after I posted this I actually met a women online. She had added me on fb which I initially ignored even though I knew we had some mutual friends, then one day I saw her on tinder so decided to swipe, we matched and she messaged straight away. We really hit it off and within a week of knowing each other we'd met up 3 times. After that week she got really scared and asked to slow it down. She wasn't long out of something so we agreed to slow it down but a few weeks later she ended it. She wanted to stay friends which I wasn't sure about but we did get on really well. Naturally we ended up forming a friendship, she met my kids, we spent the whole summer together doing things with my kids and the 2 of us. When my kids went to their Dad's for 2 weeks in the summer holidays I spent every night with her. That's when things took a turn again, we ended up sleeping together a couple of times and she then told me she had feelings for me bit was really scared and didn't want to ruin this friendship we had. I was surprised but elated as I low-key always had feelings there and they were growing over the months. It really was like nothing else I've experienced. I liked her sooo much both romantically and as a friend. Our communication was sooo much more than ive ever experienced. We absolutely clicked, her and my kids clicked. We all gelled so well. We started talking about a life together, I met her family. She kept saying she was scared, she wasn't sure she was ready, then a few weeks later again I felt her pull away, we spoke and we were both upset. She didn't want to lose me and the kids but couldn't progress romantically as she kept telling me she wasn't ready and she didn't want to hurt us. We took some space for about a week then we met up at a music festival and things were fine. We spoke the next day and agreed to just remain friends. This time round, I thought I'd be ok with it but a month on realised I wasn't. I couldn't stand the thought of her getting with someone else whenever the time would come. Ultimately we ended up having a big conversation and agreed to go our separate ways. It literally broke my heart and I sobbed my whole way through the conversation. We ended by thanking each other for the experience and said how sorry we were. This was a couple of months ago and honestly it absolutely broke me and still stings. We were only in each others 4 months but it's true what they say, with a women you connect so much deeper and a week feels like a month. It's scared me so much as I don't want to ever feel that pain again. Im hoping in a few months I can get back out there but for now I need to heal. Although it's been heartbreaking it truly was an amazing experience being with her.

OP posts:
Janinejones · 28/12/2023 15:34

@cookies92 I hope you are well, are you still following this thread? I have had similar experience to you but did not want to post into emptiness. I have been posting on one of the OLD threads but they are all hetero hopefuls.

Original poster
cookies92 · 29/12/2023 08:31

Yes still following it! So what's your experience?

OP posts:
Janinejones · 29/12/2023 09:20

Hi @cookies92 I have been having a few dates with women that have gone well. Not found a "Grand Love of my Life", but not sure I am looking for one.
I rather like my independence and working at my career.
My disappointments have been about going out together. They are unwilling to go to events with me, and be introduced as my friend.
Recognise that situation?

HermioneWeasley · 29/12/2023 09:23

@Janinejones when you say unwilling to be introduced as your friend, are you asking them to pretend it’s platonic and to be closeted for you?

Janinejones · 29/12/2023 09:52

@HermioneWeasley , These have been in early stages. No intention to pretend but one is not sure how it will go in first few weeks, that holds for dating with men as well.. Some people have worked out that I prefer women to men but I never make big announcements about it. I was trying to just meet people and let them make up their own minds about us.

HermioneWeasley · 29/12/2023 10:00

If it’s in the early stages why are they accompanying you to events and being introduced to people? How do you know they won’t get drunk and make a scene, or that they don’t have awful opinions that you wouldn’t want to be associated with? It seems very odd.

Janinejones · 29/12/2023 10:21

It would not be a first date, I would not go out with anyone who might be rowdy or a troublemaker.

Original poster
cookies92 · 30/12/2023 11:43

I've not been in that particular situation. I have only ever dated that one woman, we went to things together and just told everyone we were dating when asked about our love lives. Obviously close friends of ours new. It was funny seeing other people's reactions though 🤣

OP posts:
Janinejones · 30/12/2023 16:16

Some of my colleagues know my preferences because they have seen me with a woman. I have only explained to two people that I prefer women. Mother and exH, teen daughter worked it out for herself much faster than I thought she would.

I have 2 events to go to in next two weeks. one will be quite formal. So I need someone sensible. not as @HermioneWeasley hinted.
Two GFs are happy to have sex but not be seen out with me. I think this is strange.

Pleasegotobed · 09/01/2024 10:20

I’m not sure I’d be happy to be formally introduced as your friend either… I wouldn’t need you to validate me with a relationship status but if asked specifically I would expect you to say we are dating. I’d think you were closeted and uncomfortable if you wanted that….

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