My MIL has 'come out' and my dh is in denial...

[SandyChick]

Hello, just wanted some advise from anyone who has experienced this too.

My dh's mother left his father for another woman after 30 years of marriage and a few kids. My dh doesnt have a problem with this, he just wants her to be happy. His problem is that he's now been thinking about how long his mother has felt this way. I think he feels like his whole 'family' life has been a lie and did is mother really want children or was she just trying to be 'norm'.

We get on really well with her partner and both is mother and father are happy in their new lives. I think because we have recently had a baby he's begining to question his childhood in a way.

I think they may talk about it one day but i think dh is happy to just leave things as they are for now. My mil said that she didnt go looking for a relationship with a woman. The impression they give is that they became really close friends then things went from there.

Do most people know they are gay from an early age or maybe she wasnt until she met her partner?

Is his main worry that if she's a lesbian she didn't want children? Please, please reassure him. Lots of lesbians - including lots here! - really, really want kids and choose to have them! She's his mum and she loves him, and truly her sexuality doesn't invalidate that in any way.

Thanks, i've tried explaining that to him. I said now that he's a daddy it should be easier for him to understand that no matter what is happening in the parents' relationship they stil want and love the kids the same.

My mum is currently living with another woman and has done so for over 10 years now. I don't feel as if it negates the relationship she had with my father, although it was over (and they were going through divorce procedings) when she met her current partner. Both my mum and her partner would describe themselves as bisexual rather than lesbians, although they are in a monogamous relationship.

It seems to me that for many women, sexuality is more of a spectrum than a choice between being one way or another. Just because your mil is now happy with another woman, it doesn't mean that she was unhappy all that time with your dh's dad. I can remember when mum and dad's relationship started to fall apart, and it was only a few years before they split up. For the rest of the time, I have very happy memories of the family, and my mum and dad being together.

I even remember mum telling me that she still had sex with my dad when other parts of their life together were clearly falling apart. The impression she gave me was that the sex was still good, it's not as if she were doing it out of duty. (I am glad that I am anonymous on mumsnet as I wouldn't be spilling all these facts out otherwise. )

Also, it was my birthday recently and my mum called to say that having me was one of the best things she'd ever done. I know she loves me loads and always has, and the fact she has split up with my dad doesn't change that.

I hope this helps

There is pretty sound research showing that gay men usually know they are gay from an early age, and nearly always come out in their teens/early twenties. But women come out at all ages, and the vast majority have had 'real' relationships with men.

Both my dp and I have had good relationships with men as well as with women. We would never call our relationships with men 'a lie', and we do not regret them or consider them a waste of time or inauthentic. (Well ok, some of them we may regret - but for other reasons!)

And MI is right - many, many lesbians want children. I have wanted children - passionately - from the age of 16 and becoming a mother is the best thing that ever happened to me. I do not see it as conflicting with my sexual orientation in any way.

I do understand what a shock this is do your dh, and it sounds like he's really trying to do the right thing by his mum. I truly believe that the difference between men's sexuality and women's is much greater than that between heterosexuals' and homosexuals': women do seem to have a more fluid sexuality and a greater ability to shift between different kinds of relationships. If your dh can let go of the idea that his mother has a 'real', fixed sexual orientation, and understand that she was heterosexual with his dad, and is now in a lesbian relationship with her new partner, and in future who knows, he might find it easier to resolve the questions that have inevitably been raised for him.