DD’s new life

[Lovemusic33]

Will try not to give too many details as I don’t want to put dd or myself.

Dd has a diagnosis of ASD, since a young age she has made comments about wanting to be male but just assumed she was confused or just a Tom boy. Over the last few years she has talked more about being pan sexual, bi, non binary etc… which was fine. I told her I don’t mind what she wears, who she dates etc..as long as she’s happy but I also felt she didn’t have to be labelled as anything. In my eyes she’s feminine, just not into the same things most girls are into which is fine.
in September she started uni and did mention maybe starting uni as non binary and changing her name, I wasn’t against this (just told her she’s old enough to decide and it’s not really anything to do with me). She’s now told me she is trans and has changed her name, she has been using this name since starting uni and her friends call her by it as well as a few nicknames. She now wants me to refer to her by new name and use male pronouns but I am struggling with this as she doesn’t look male, still wears female clothes as well as non binary clothing. It’s going to be hard for me to change pronouns when what is stood in front of me is a female (my dd). That makes me feel selfish and I fear she won’t return from uni if I don’t stick to calling her him and by new name.

Anyone else going through similar with their dc? Have you agreed to call them by their preferred name? Have you change pronouns?

Yup. Agreed to the new name, but slipped up frequently and the new name idea seemed eventually to slip away and be replaced by a new nickname of her name, which I do try to use. Refused completely to use incorrect pronouns. Explained that pronouns describe how a person perceives those around them. I perceive her as female, therefore I use feminine pronouns to refer to her. She may think of herself as she wishes - her thoughts and my perceptions are unconnected. In practice, though, I just avoid referring to dd using gendered language when she is present.

She may think of herself as she wishes

That sounds sarcastic. It was not. I emphasised her right to her own feelings and her own understanding of herself.

I would start from the perspective of giving this as little oxygen as possible. Your DD is a prime candidate for gender ideology stuff given her age and ASD diagnosis (read Irreversible Damage if you haven't already, it's enlightening).

Thank you for your response Jelly ,I don’t feel I can call her ‘he/him’ because in my eyes she’s a ‘she’ and always will be. It’s up to her friends what they call her (most of her friends are gay, bi, trans etc..) and it’s up to her what she calls herself. She’s 18 so technically I don’t get say in what she gets up too whilst not in my house. I just worry that she will refuse to come home, though she doesn’t really have anywhere else to go when the term ends. She’s been home for 2 weeks for Christmas and has been hiding away in her room, hardly spoken to me until today when I made her come out with us for the day. It’s like she doesn’t want to be here because I call her by her real name and at uni she can be the person she believes she is.

She mentioned taking testosterone and I told her I didn’t want her making harsh decisions that may effect her for the rest of her life, she argued “that it must be safe of it wouldn’t be allowed”, she’s very immature for her age and I don’t feel she can make decisions that could effect her life forever.

Yes, this is exactly what scares me. But because I am not giving it much oxygen she is staying away from me. Apparently all her friends are understanding and supportive (of course they would be as most are no binary, gay or trans). I feel she’s being brain washed by something that’s become a trend.

It's frightening. And it's mentally and emotionally exhausting for both parents and daughter. My dd is awaiting adult assessment for ASD. Her sense of being a misfit, her constant search for rules, and her tendency to become fixated on things make her so vulnerable.

It is worrying, I am worried about her physical and mental health. She’s mentioned surgery, testosterone, binders…, she doesn’t realise what long term damage these can do to her body. Her new name is a non binary name but was a name I chose before she was born (if she was a boy), I don’t mind her using it, I don’t mind her being confused about who she is or even being non binary but she’s now saying she’s trans and she wants to become male which for me is much harder to except.

The risk here is by not giving it any oxygen you also risk pushing them away and then as they grow and get older wont come to you when they need you, or just generally to spend time with you. I am not trans but am gay and my mum didn't really accept my sexuality for a long time and basically as soon as I was 18 I left and never went back except for infrequent visits when I had nowhere else to go.
Also when it comes to the medicated side of transitioning, I'm not sure you can stop hormones because they're 18 but surgery on the NHS is a long way off and it's probably out of reach privately unless you were to fund it. Waiting lists at gender clinics are about 4 years so getting hormones is probably quite hard unless they can self-fund it privately. GPs don't prescribe hormones.
Tread carefully because i understand your worries about it being a phase, but if it isn't, denying it can be harmful as well.
Using their preferred name and pronouns won't make them 'more' trans, it'll just show youre listening

Thank you for your reply. I have been using her new name as have the rest of the family (though sometimes I forget) but I don’t use different pronouns. It’s extra hard as her sister is more severely autistic and she’s confused as to why we are calling her sister by a different name so referring to her as he will be even more confusing. To dd1’s face I am supportive, she doesn’t know how I feel, I don’t tell her “I think it’s a stage” or that “she’s being brain washed”, I have told her I love her and I am happy if she’s happy and the rest of the family are saying the same but she still shuts herself off from all of us and doesn’t want to come home from uni to visit.