Is it just a phase?

[Richielogic]

DD aged 20 not had BF of GF said she thought she was Bi as she previously had a crush on a pretty girl at school. VERY defensive of LGBT community and has a male gay friend. We wonder if she is really lesbian but doesn't want to say.

I know it sounds cliche but do some girls just go through a phase?. I wouldn't consider my wife or i homophobic or hostile in anyway but to put it out there, it's not what we had planned so to speak, I think my wife finds it harder than i do, to us we just can't relate to wanting to go with same sex i think that's the thing. Not anti-gay, just don't get it. I think secretly we are both hoping it's a phase and she settles down with a boy

Any advice from parents been in this position would be helpful. Thanks

Everyone is different.

My 'bisexual' friend recently came out as lesbian aged 29.

I am very firmly bisexual.

It depends on the person. But it's not a phase, it's a journey to self-discovery.

And you don't understand wanting a same sex relationship because you're straight... obviously. How you feel about same sex relationships is how gay people feel about opposite sex relationships. It's not a choice it simply is.

I think it is a bit weird for people to plan or assume anything about their children's future relationships. They may choose not to have romantic relationships at all even.

I don't think that your hoping she will settle down with a man is a secret, which is a shame as that is exactly the kind of thing that adds to the confusion for many young people working out their identity.

No-one knows how things will turn out, but be wary of thinking in terms of a phase. Your daughter is not straight. Even if she did meet a man and settle down, there is nothing to say that should that relationship fail, she would not meet a woman next. She cannot be defined by who she is with. Her identity is hers regardless.

She may be gay and afraid to come out if she senses judgement from you, she might not fit neatly in a box, she might not be sure. Not being hostile isn't the same as seeming open to something. I have not been a parent in this situation, rather the child. What I really needed was overt affirmation that my sexuality was irrelevant to my parents.

What do you mean you don’t “get it”? It’s really not that complicated.

My DS1 (18) is gay. DS2 (16) is bi but prefers boys.

Is it "just a phase?" Maybe. Does it matter if it is? No. They are who they are and that's it. They've got plenty of time to discover who they are. I love what @Calandor said about it being a journey of self discovery.

There's nothing to "get". They are my sons and I love them regardless of who they love.

Not what you had planned? You planned out your daughter's love life?

She's 20, it's unlikely to be a phase.

Why does it matter? Sexuality isn’t concrete. As long as she’s being kind and staying safe

'Just a phase' is a homophobic dogwhistle. It's irrelevant whether it's a phase or not - it's still a valid reflection of how she feels at the time.

I agree with PP you don't need to 'get' it. Presumably, you also don't get why your wife finds men attractive as you can't share in that feeling of 'phwoar, a penis!'. And if your daughter is a lesbian, it may well be she finds hetero relationships just as odd.

She doesn't want to say? Hmm, I wonder why.

This is why you should never assume anything about your kid. Boys are idiots anyway!

No. It’s not a phase. If she was 11/12/13/14 or whatever it wouldn’t be a phase either.

Definitely not a phase. My dad had a hard time accepting my brother was gay. He had the same 'i don't get it', 'this isn't how we saw him growing up' feelings going on too. I think thats a generational thing. THATS a phase because you will eventually understand that it doesn't matter what you wanted or understand, as long as your child is happy and loved. Dad now is an LGBTQ ally and drives floats at Pride :) try not to question DD too much. It's just going to make her feel awkward and weird and possibly resent you. Just take it for what it is. She knows who she is and that's a powerful thing for a young woman. Celebrate her.

She's 20, she's hardly a girl anymore.

Not a phase, try to support her and accept her and suppress your feelings of discomfort if you can. You will push her away if you don't.

Sounds a bit homophobic to me...

More than a bit.

If she is a lesbian it's not surprising she doesn't want to tell you or your wife.

You both sound very homophobic.

Maybe read, learn and talk about the subject before you go any further with this. If you become more open minded and accepting she will be more likely to tell you anything she feels you should know.

If you can't accept her for who she is you WILL lose her. She'll leave, lead her life, have partners and spend as little time with you as possible, because it will be easier than dealing with homophobia from her parents.