NCT for LGBTQ parents?

[Lotsaquestions]

Hi - does anyone know if there is such a thing as NCT for us? I’m a gay soon-to-be-dad and my husband and I would like to find other LGBTQ parents who are at the same point that we are at. Any suggestions?

[Cismyfatarse]

My understanding is that it is for the woman giving birth. We didn't have it in my neck of the woods but friends went to discuss the birthing process. I assume you are adopting and so might find better support on the adoption boards.

[LivingRoomdilemma]

It's mainly for the woman giving birth, going into pregnancy, what exactly happens and what to expect during the birthing process, and how the birthing partner can support her.

Also establishing the mother and baby bond and breastfeeding, again, very much from the point of view of how the partner supports a woman who has just given birth.

It was very practical and didn't skimp on the medical and physical details for the mum, so that we both understood what to expect and how much a woman goes through while carrying and delivering a baby.

The NCT course DH and I did also made us think about how life would change once we were parents, but that was just one short session.

[SarahAndQuack]

We did NCT as a lesbian couple and there was a session about caring for a newborn, which was actually pretty good - maybe worth asking your local network? But honestly, I think you'd feel really odd and out of place (sorry: not saying it to be mean, but doing NCT was one of the most alienating experiences of my life!)

[wavecat]

I would have welcomed you into our NCT group. Amazing to fully understand the birth process and first few weeks The support we gave each other in the early days gave us confidence, we laughed as we all struggled. Our babies loved each others company, we went out/met up regularly. Hope you find your local group and enjoy

[Lotsaquestions]

SarahAndQuack - so how do you meet others who are in the same situation, just to have a support group?

[SarahAndQuack]

Honestly, I found it really hard. I've never found a whole group who're in the same situation - the best you can realistically expect is other parents who are in the same situation but several years away from you in terms of the age of the child, or similar-but-different situations (eg. single parents etc.). There just aren't really very many of us, are there?!

I found reading memoirs and accounts was actually easier. Obviously I read up on lesbian mums but there must be gay dads out there writing about what it's like?

When is your baby due? I know it isn't the same, but if you've got questions/thoughts then perhaps we can help on here?

[NorthFaceofthelaundrypile]

If you’re adopting or fostering look at New Family Social
newfamilysocial.org.uk/nfs-who-we-are

A friend used to work with them. They do all sorts of get together and support groups, as well as a big summer camp/festival.

[WooWooWinnie]

Proud2BParents are a non-profit organisation supporting lgbtq+ parents and parents to be. They are based in Manchester but do online antenatal sessions: www.proud2bparents.co.uk/antenatal-workshops

[sageandbasil]

I found NCT brilliant for meeting friends and utterly shite on giving advice! We actually bonded over how terrible the advice/ teacher was. We were all there to meet people in similar situations, it's just a pricey way to meet friends and go scare you about being a parent!

[CSR721]

We had a lesbian couple at our NCT group, we didn't see them as any different to us! However I would echo what has been said that most of our NCT classes were about childbirth and probably wouldn't be much use if you aren't giving birth, it's a lot of money to spend on something that won't be that useful x

[SarahAndQuack]

@sageandbasil

I found NCT brilliant for meeting friends and utterly shite on giving advice! We actually bonded over how terrible the advice/ teacher was. We were all there to meet people in similar situations, it's just a pricey way to meet friends and go scare you about being a parent!

I do slightly disagree with this (not meaning you're wrong; just meaning our experience was different). Our NCT class was quite weird for me as I was always lumped in with the dads, but a lot of the advice was really useful. There was a whole session where we were told about what happens if you end up having an emergency section, and as several women in the class did, including my partner, it was really useful.

[sageandbasil]

@SarahAndQuack unfortunately ours didn't even cover sections even though 2 women had planned ones. She made it seems as it was a get out of jail free card type of thing and just scared us to death with inductions- which before the session I was fine with having then o was petrified. 3 out of 8 needed emg c sections and as I said 2 were planned so 5 out of 8 of us had a section and didn't have a clue what to expect/recovery.

She also said if we hadn't had sex within 3 months to go to the dr cos there's something wrong with you, and that you can have sex after 3 days.

Safe to say I made a complaint about her.

[DancingInHisShirt]

Is there a local adoption group where you are? Our friends adopted their 2 children and they found their local group exceptionally helpful, they made some great friends. They are gay and were very much welcomed along with other gay couples and made lifelong friends.

I found NCT very much about pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding as others have said which wouldn’t have been applicable in our friends or your situation.

[SarahAndQuack]

@sageandbasil

@SarahAndQuack unfortunately ours didn't even cover sections even though 2 women had planned ones. She made it seems as it was a get out of jail free card type of thing and just scared us to death with inductions- which before the session I was fine with having then o was petrified. 3 out of 8 needed emg c sections and as I said 2 were planned so 5 out of 8 of us had a section and didn't have a clue what to expect/recovery.

She also said if we hadn't had sex within 3 months to go to the dr cos there's something wrong with you, and that you can have sex after 3 days.

Safe to say I made a complaint about her.

That's awful and really sad. I have heard horror stories about the NCT - we were really lucky as ours seemed to be quite balanced and didn't demonise pain relief/ other interventions.

[ThreeFeetTall]

We have a local parents Facebook group and there are often posts about making a informal 'going for a coffee' type group for babies due within a couple of months of each other. I would try that sort of route.

Or just say hi to everyone else with a baby when you push a buggy round the park and bit by bit you meet people.

[greektreacle]

@SarahAndQuack my wife and I (same sex couple) started going together to our NCT group and she sacked it off after 3 sessions because she felt so alienated. The leader just didn't know where to put her and kept saying 'mums over here, dads over there' and then saying 'oops and greektreacle's partner [wife, she's my wife] just go where you think'. If she'd just told her to go with the dads it'd have been fine 🤷🏼‍♀️🙄

I don't have any issue with people not having come across two women having a baby before, but she could have done some reading, or sought advice, or.....anything really. She did phone me before the classes started and ask how we wanted to be referred to (lesbian? gay? Same sex?') but just seemed so flustered by our presence in general.

I did not go to the reunion.

[SarahAndQuack]

Yes, that sounds very like our experience. It didn't seem to have occurred to the NCT leader that she could have, you know, not split things by gender. It was really uncomfortable because some of the dads were obviously not happy discussing women's bodies in front of me, so I'd end up sitting awkwardly on the edge of the women's group. Weirdly, the NCT leader had a lesbian daughter so you'd think she'd have been a tiny bit more aware!

The other women in the group were all really lovely and we are still in touch with nearly all of them, even though we've ended up quite geographically distant. So I do get why the OP wants a community around him and his partner and I do think it might well be that community could be straight couples as well.

For us it was also interesting that one of the other women was not the bio mother of her baby (egg donation), so we got to chat a bit about what it's like not being biologically related, though I don't think she had mentioned it to others in the group.

[Lotsaquestions]

Thanks everyone for your feedback - i appreciate it.

[bilbodog]

You dont have to go to the NCT antenatal classes - you could just join the NCT and ask to be put in touch with a group of mums who have children of a similar age to yours - thats what happened in our NCT group (admittedly 30 years ago!) we had 3 mums join our group after our babies had been born.