Is there any point in telling?

[SpringtimeDandelions]

Inconveniently, I’m hugely attracted to a close straight friend. Talking over a year now. She is very warm and affectionate, sometimes in a tactile way, and we are in touch a lot – both in person and calls/frequent messages most days – but she is completely straight as far as I know.

Is there any point in telling her? My gut feeling is it would make things awkward for no reason, so haven’t, but sometimes I wonder if it’s unfair/dishonest not to as perhaps she would rather have this information, and perhaps I could then move on from it better too. I don’t think telling her would result in any beautiful happily ever after (alas).

I think my concern is that because we are both women and she’s straight, it’s not on her radar that it would be anything other than platonic, and maybe she would choose to behave differently/distance herself if she knew how I felt. I am worried if she were to find out in the future (theoretically) she would feel she had been deceived somehow. But perhaps I am way overthinking it.

Does she know you are gay?

It depends on how much you value the friendship. If you feel a desperate need to tell her, you might lose a friend.

I've been the straight friend in this situation. My friend told me (which I was fine with), but then also made physical advances (which I wasn't).

We aren't friends any more.

I value the friendship enormously and would rather not risk it by telling her. I am worried I’m doing the wrong thing in not telling her though, I suppose.

She does know I am gay, yes.

@BigglyBee would you have minded (theoretically) if your friend had never told you?

No, I wouldn't have cared. It was never going to happen between us, so what went on in her head was none of my business.

Thanks that is helpful.

It’s just we are so close as friends, and I was wondering if she’d choose to pull back a bit if she knew.

But as she does know I’m gay, hopefully she does know it’s possible I might develop feelings and is not fazed by the idea.

I'd be really uncomfortable if you told me that tbh. And why would you think she'd be aware it was a possibility you'd fall for her?

Do people really go through life thinking that their friends and colleagues might fancy them? I certainly don't.

How tactile? And has that changed? And is she in a relationship?

Yes, I know straight women who do wonder about this in the context of very close friendships with straight men. Not “going through life” wondering about it as such, but in specific instances.

Thank you for your thoughts. I can imagine it might feel uncomfortable for her if I were to say.

But as she does know I’m gay, hopefully she does know it’s possible I might develop feelings and is not fazed by the idea.

I wouldn't count on her knowing that, tbh. You're great friends not potential partners.

@achangeisafoot holding hands, sitting close enough to be touching, long hugs – that sort of thing. No not in a relationship, but no mention of ever having liked women and I do not think she is into me in that way.

If your feelings are so strong and you struggle with only ever being close friends with her and it stops you from finding another partner in your life , then I would explain this . You would possibly / probably risk losing her friendship tho as she may find it to awkward to continue but on the other hand you never know , she may have feelings for you. Has she ever flirted with you ?

Holding hands seems like a strange one to me? I would never hold hands with a friend and truthfully especially not one who I knew was gay. Just as I wouldn't hold hands with a male friend I had no feelings for.

Honestly, I think she's either messing with your feelings or attracted to you. Does she act this way with other friends?

@Ydkiml thank you. That’s a kind message.

I’ve been mainly trying to think of it from her perspective - if I were here, would I want to know so I had all the information - but you’re right it might be something that could help me too.

As for flirting – she behaves in a way that would definitely be flirting if she were gay, but I think some straight women do the same without it “meaning” anything.

@achangeisafoot as far as I know she doesn’t act like this with other friends but actually I don’t know for sure. But she is also not the type to be messing with people’s feelings I don’t think. It seems to come from a place of affection.

I’ve been the straight friend in this situation. My bisexual friend told me that she was attracted to me, and asked if there was any chance I reciprocated.

I didn’t, because I’m straight. But we are still just as good friends. I didn’t mind her asking at all!

Thanks Bookaholic! That’s reassuring and I’m glad it didn’t affect your friendship.

Honestly I think you should tell her. She's either attracted to you or she needs to stop the flirting behaviour, it's not fair

yes, I think her behaviour is a bit odd- I might hug my friends, or touch their arm to comfort them- but not hold hands! And if I knew my friend was gay I would make sure nothing I did was open to misinterpretation.

If you feel compelled to tell her would it be possible to do it in a jokey/downplaying way- so she knows but can easily laugh it of and your friendship has more chance of surviving? Because if a male (straight) or lesbian friend of mine told me they were 'hugely attracted' to me....I'd be mortified and not want to continue the friendship.

I think its time for a sit down. Tell her you can no longer do the holding hands, very close proximity type stuff as everyone knows you are gay and this could be viewed as unfair on her (the same way as for a platonic m/f). Doing it this was ensures she really does know you are gay, and also shows that its not a good situation . See what her reaction to that is first.

I have seen several female relationships crumble when someone professes a feeling. The hetro doesn't care if the other is gay but once professed it breaks something that can't be rebuilt. Usually embarrassment and second guessing makes it too much like hard work.

Could you not ask her if she is ever attracted to women?

I’ve been the straight friend - she didn’t tell me outright but made it obvious in every other way and made me feel very uncomfortable. We’re no longer friends. I think I’m any friendship - regardless of gender if one friend has feelings for the other it’s very difficult to continue as normal when both parties know.
not a nice situation for you OP

Can you ask in a round about way.

Tell her you've developed feelings for a straight woman and ask her advice on whether you should tell her. Gauge your next move on her reaction.

In fairness she will probably know you're talking baout her but you have a chance to swerve the convo away from it actually being her if she shuts it down.

I appreciate everyone’s perspectives. It seems it’s just innately tricky. Lots of good suggestions here which I hadn’t thought of. Yaissa, that’s a good idea for a way to possibly save face.