Child told me they're trans

[Wacadu]

My child (19) has recently told me they are trans. My love and support and unconditional and they are incredibly happy about that. I'm so proud they felt they could come to me.

However, I'm really struggling with the she/her pronouns and the new name. I can get on board with they/them but why is it so hard to go that bit further? My child understands completely and appreciates that it will take me some time, especially since they're not out to the rest of the family and I have to refer to them as their dead name outwith the house.

Will it get easier?

Hi there. I completely understand how difficult it can be to adjust to these things and it's great your child does as well. I can assure you it definitely gets easier, especially in your case as you are open and welcoming to accepting your child's identity.

Practicing their new pronouns and name can be quite a helpful tool, even just making up sentences in your head or writing them on paper using your child's new name and pronouns can help you become more adjusted to it.

Another tip I'd suggest is to try to view your child with the new identity, I know that is a lot more difficult especially as yours is 19, so you would have known them as something else for so so long. This does get easier with time though.

I think they/them pronouns are just a bit new to everyone, so its okay to be a bit frazzled - don't blame yourself! I promise you'll get used too it.

Hope this helped !! xx

Thanks. That really helped.

They're visiting a friend just now and asked if I could forward on an amazon package. I put their new name on the package and that was the first time I've properly used it.

Baby steps eh?

I'd never open a parcel but I could clearly see from the label that it was a skirt. I think they want to experiment with clothes while at their friend's, rather than here, which is totally fine.

I'm in the same boat OP. They recently "came out" to me and DH, and were so relieved that we are unconditionally accepting and supportive. I too am struggling with the nomenclature - they/them feels impersonal and distant to me, I think, and it's hard to overwrite something that's so well established in my mind. They have sent me pictures of them wearing skirts and lipstick, and I have responded with encouragement and acceptance - now I feel guilty because deep down, I find it rather traumatic and frightening. Ours hasn't changed their name, as it's a unisex one anyway - but I will be heartbroken if they do. I chose that name in love, and it means a lot to me. I don't think they could possibly understand that.

It's hard.

I totally get that. They have a unisex name anyway but are still changing it.

I almost feel like I'm grieving for the person they were, but then I give myself a shake. As long as they are happy and safe, nothing else should matter.

It is really strange, I keep giving myself a stern shake as well - I shouldn't be experiencing grief, as they are still here and healthy and talking to me. It's just...I brought up a little boy into a young man. That's the person I know. This new person is...new.

You are doing really well OP. I went through this 11 years ago when it was still not mainstream. It was easier for me as my child is FTM and had already started wearing boys school uniform and had his hair cut into a traditionally boy's hairstyle before he told me how he felt. So he looked like a boy and I am sure that made it easier for us. There were only my son, my daughter and I living together so it was quite straightforward really. If it had happened now when there is so much out there about gender stuff I am sure I would have guessed before he told me.

Thank you Bluebellbike and thebellsesmereldathebells.

You've really helped a lot.

I can understand why you're feeling this way. It's good you recognise how it's bad aswell, but don't hate yourself for it, I promise the feeling will recede.

It's definitely a massive just surge of confusion and just feeling frazzled when you first hear, your child you've known as a boy for so many years does not identify that way.

I do promise you though, the child you love, and the child who loves you is still very much there, especially as you've been supporting them even if it is confusing. They will remain the same person deep down. The name, appearance, pronouns etc all might be new and it's OK to feel a bit frazzled with that, but I hope you find comfort knowing that your child isn't now a stranger and that you will adjust to it. Hope this makes sense.

Hope this makes sense Xxx

You’re struggling with the cognitive dissonance created by someone denying their own reality and asking you to pretend too. So yes, that’s tough. You’ll likely always feel uncomfortable on some level. Assuming they don’t detransition in a year or two.

For a deep dive into trans issues, the podcast Gender - A Wider Lens is hugely helpful. Lots of episodes devoted to helping parents.

Do you and your wife/partner usually go to things like Pride, or meet up with other lesbian mums? I know not everyone wants to do that, but it might be a good way to find other people in the same boat. I would be guessing it is slightly different dealing with this as a LGBT parent, than it would be if you were straight.

it's totally fine to find it hard.
my sister (yes, they are okay with me calling her my sister) is non-binary and it took a while for my mam to get the hang of their new name and referring to him as "he" and "they" as well as "she."
if you misgender her in any way, simply say "sorry, she" and move on. don't beat yourself up over it.

Read the tone. This is not a space for you to ‘educate’ these mums who are calmly and sensibly respecting their children.

I think it is natural to find it hard to shift pronouns because you raised a child who you knew as a boy, and it's a quite a profound loss in a way because new pronouns feel like cancelling out the person you gave birth to and raised and loved.

But they are not gone, of course. They have just changed alot which all our children do as they become adults, and we all have big adjustments to make in accepting that transition too (from child to adult).

It is good that they recognise the process is hard for you. Make sure that two-way understanding continues. Your feelings and the way your brain works in middle age are as valid as theirs.

You sound like a fantastic and supportive parent, pronouns will take a little while to come naturally but you will certainly get there, and your child will definitely appreciate you the more for it!