Our 13 year old daughter told us she was trans a few months ago but we haven't discussed it since mainly out of fear!

[BornToRunButQuiteSlowly]

She told us she was trans and we were obviously a bit shocked.
We told her we would love her the same whether she was trans or not.
She asked for a binder a few days later but we managed to convince her that this wasn't a good idea as they can cause harm.
We haven't actually discussed it with her since then as we're afraid that she will ask for a binder again.
I suspect she has body image/puberty issues which are contributing to this. She has very heavy periods which results in some accidents in bed etc.
She has friends but never meets with them outside school. Apart from meals she rarely leaves her bedroom which I know isn't unusual for kids that age.
We need to talk to her but we're not quite sure how to start the conversation. Like many teens she thinks we're idiots who know nothing about their teenage world.
How do we open the conversation... something like
"So this Trans thing you mentioned a few months back ... do you want to have a chat about it?
Any thoughts or suggestions ... or should we leave well enough alone and wait for her to bring it up?

In this case and as she's only 13, I would insist on technology being used downstairs in the family room - phones, laptops etc. I wouldn't allow any tech in the room unless for school work. Thirteen is way too young to process what is said on the internet.

Period pants are great so hopefully that helps.

I'd be looking into hobbies you can all do, e.g. wall climbing, walking or kayaking. She might not look thrilled but will be busy!

Basically you need to ride this through for another 2 years before she has the maturity to know what she wants and can't be influenced by the internet because she hates puberty.

I don't think I'd wish for my children to be gay because being gay means another set of challenges in life

In many ways it is more accurate to say that it swaps one set of challenges for another. E.g. more complicated route to parenthood balanced against no risk of accidental pregnancy and a lower risk of STIs (for women). Yes, homophobia is still alive and kicking, but there are thriving gay/lesbian communities with their own support networks and cultures.

I say this because if you have internalised the idea that being gay will be a negative or undesirable thing she may well pick up on that whereas, in reality, it is most likely to be a really brilliant and positive thing.

If you need an opener to discuss things with her, how about dragging her out on a shopping trip or doing a spot of online shopping. Sports bras are a safe and comfortable alternative to binders and fit better with the androgynous look it sounds like she’s cultivating.

@TheSockMonster yes, I agree, being gay is just a different set of challenges. I don't think I see being gay as a negative but I know someone who is turning 50 and still hasn't come out except to siblings so fear and prejudice still exist more so in certain parts of the UK.

@NOTANUM
"Basically you need to ride this through for another 2 years before she has the maturity to know what she wants and can't be influenced by the internet because she hates puberty."
I agree with this.

@BornToRunButQuiteSlowly

Thanks *@Orf1abc*, yes I'm aware of the extreme views some on Mumsnet have and I think I can filter those out. Maybe I didn't use the best words about being trans or being gay. We will accept and love our daughter unconditionally. However we want to give her time and for her to take her time before making any decisions that she may regret later.

Following on from this, I would also be aware that there are some more extreme posters who believe the 'watchful waiting' approach, considered by most rational people to be the most sensible option to take (and one that you seem to be doing yourself), to be transphobic and that medical affirmation is the 'correct' pathway.

It sounds like you are taking an approach that it loving and supportive and whatever your child decides, I wish you all well.

I feel for her so much, its so hard becoming a woman in this culture we live in, women and girls are so sexualised in our society, especially now. I don't blame her for hiding her body in hoodies and baggy clothes, iid be exactly the same. And kids have easy access to horrible porn non stop now, most of which shows violent acts on women- it must be terrifying to think that's what's expected of you. Ugh. She needs as much support as possible and for her feelings to be normalised, for her to know that the pressures on girls to be sexy and sexual with boys are not acceptable, that she's perfectly normal if she feels grossed out by what's expected girls and young women these days.

If she is willing to have a chat with a counsellor, try Thoughtful Therapists - they are a group of experienced therapists who want to ensure young people have access to a broad range of perspectives on gender nonconformity. They have an exploratory approach, looking at all the reasons someone might be feeling uncomfortable in their body or gender.

Enjoy your holiday, OP!

Re the internet use, I'd definitely think about ways to bring it out of her room. Maybe ask her what she can suggest, but with a clear boundary from you that she's not having unrestricted access any more. She won't like it but she needs boundaries.

I feel for her but also think that you need to monitor her internet.

I am not a mom, just a kid who has been adopted and been failed by both sets of parents. I am also trans. I just say this so you can make your own decisions on how much weight you want to put on my advise.

In my opinion, others are right. At 13, spending all of their time in their room is not healthy (and as someone who was thirteen just 8 years ago, I wouldn't consider it normal either). Please get her help, at least a therapist.

She asked you for a binder. That's huge, I was far too afraid to ask my parents for a binder, that means there is trust (or desperation) there. I would look into getting her one from GC2B and before you ignore this please hear my reasoning. These are the safest binders out there, abd if she binds correctly, there should be no risks. Some women even wear binders simply because they prefer how they look with them. You can say this to her when you get her one. "Liking how you look in a binder doesn't mean you have to be a boy, girls can wear them too" this is important because if she isnt trans, you also don't want her to feel like she has to be in order to wear one. (my roommate, a woman wears one, she's not trans, just likes how it looks). Trust me, if she wants to bind and you won't let her get a binder, she very well might anyway, and it won't be safe. Bandages, ripped up cloth, even rope, old bras, many things can be used and were used to bind before safe options were available. Cheap binders online look like bras but bind so tight they crack ribs. Trust me, it's better to buy her one and making sure she's using it safely (not more that 8 hours a day, no sleeping or swimming etc) then to find out at her next doc appointment that she has bruised ribs and damaged tissue that would have been avoided had she been about to bind with a good quality binder.

Remember kids today are very different. We are encouraged to think for ourselves and see the world our own way much younger. So don't shove her in a box and force her to stay under your wing, behind your fence until you say she's old enough, much better to let her on a leash and guide her.

Remember kids today are very different. We are encouraged to think for ourselves and see the world our own way much younger

Oh sweetheart, do you really think that's what is happening? Do you think other generations didn't think before the internet turned up?

@BornToRunButQuiteSlowly

How's things been OP? Did you manage to restrict internet access? I'd be taking a look through her history and accounts. When I was 13 (2009) emo was a huge trend and I find it very similar to the trans movement. Self harm and mutilation is celebrated, unhealthy relationships between older males and kids was rife, and of course the general rhetoric of "life is so unfair, nobody understands me". Wishing you all well

@LumpySpacedPrincess

Remember kids today are very different. We are encouraged to think for ourselves and see the world our own way much younger

Oh sweetheart, do you really think that's what is happening? Do you think other generations didn't think before the internet turned up?

Oh not at all haha. Of course other generations thought and pretty much every kid goes through that "I know everything, I even know more than my parents they are so old fashioned" I guess the difference I was trying to point out is that because of the internet, there is more encouragement of actively going against older adults and thinking your own thoughts. We hear it from more people from a younger age. If we think our parents are wrong we can go to a forum much like this one and easily get 60 replies saying you are right, your parents are horrible people in a couple of hours.

@BornToRunButQuiteSlowly

This is so common now among young teen girls - it’s the new Goth

There is an element of social contagion, similar to eating disorders

Social Media is the start

Trans/gender questioning, Communism, and wanting to become vegetarian is the standard package. Binders are usually mentioned, as is change of name - Elliott quite common - and pronouns

Most will change their view of themselves over time. Some will emerge as lesbian, some not. Very few will be trans. Some leave the whole thing behind them.

Watch, wait, support self-esteem, range of healthy activities and friendships. Love, patience & listening. Talk - find out if there are underlying anxieties/stresses that need addressing.

Don’t start with binders. Potentially damaging physically and emotionally. Far too young at 13.

.....and limit, or exclude if possible, social media, specifically tiktok, youtube & the like.

@BornToRunButQuiteSlowly Check out Genspect, if you haven't come across already:

genspect.org/position/

@BornToRunButQuiteSlowly Also bayswatersupport.org.uk/

I agree it’s normal at this age to be confused and have mixed feelings. Just encourage her to not need to put a label on it. If she brings it up, make sure that she knows that you love her no matter what, but she still has lots of changing and growing to do and doesn’t need to decide who she is exactly right now.

I agree with the others about her hating her changing body and that might be different to being trans, but also, it might not. She will know eventually but I do think anything under 16-18 making any drastic changes is too young, changing appearance and even name is fine, things that can be reversed, but nothing that can’t, and just to go with it rather than push/encourage.

Also one thing I do completely agree with is you should absolutely be monitoring her internet/phone usage, you’d be surprised what you may find out from there too. My DD is 15, I still monitor it, whilst I pay for the net and her phone bill, she’s been told it’s up to me what I do with it and I will be checking from time to time. It’s a world easy to get sucked up in. My DD would also spend hours in her room and recently went though a long 5/6 month ban from social media apps to prevent this and to put more effort in in school and the real world, and she’s been told if she can’t manage her own balance, it’s gone again! Teaching her good habits with this stuff is important to me, as is knowing what info she’s getting about stuff and where from, there’s too many dodgy places online!

your child needs support. have a talk with them, start call them by their preferred name and pronouns, maybe let them get a haircut. don't do anything permanent yet. also, monitor their internet usage. don't go through their messages, photos, etc, but make sure you know exactly which apps they are using and if they are talking to anyone who they do not know. good luck!

As @aoibhacado has resurrected this chat I will give an update.

Our daughter didn't mention anything trans related for a year or so but was displaying signs of social anxiety, ie not wanting to partake in activities that her school friends were organising.
Eventually we convinced her to see a psychotherapist who does a lot of work in schools and after 20 sessions there has been a significant improvement in her mood and ability to handle social situations.
The Trans issues don't seem to be something our daughter thinks about any longer, according to the therapist who has discussed our daughters treatment with us (with her permission).

I think, probably like a lot of other kids, puberty and it's associated body changes, the pandemic, moving to secondary school, trying to fit in and make new friends along with the explosion of Trans discussions in social media results in a heady, confusing cocktail of emotions and anxieties.

My advice would be to try and listen and talk gently to your child as much as possible even though they may sound as if they think they know it all.

Try and play the long game as chances are many will grow out of it as they get used to the changes in their bodies and the changes in the world around them.

If you can afford it I would try and get professional help but it can take time to find someone that you are comfortable with.
Good luck.

I would just ask her if she was a lesbian and if so that was absolutely fine. Butch lesbians are really nothing new but now they think they’re all trans. My niece is a butch and thankfully didn’t go down that route.

I wouldn’t indulge in that to be honest and no I wouldn’t be supportive of any child who wanted to change sex until they were well into their 20s and had a stable, sense of self.

@BornToRunButQuiteSlowly
Thank you for the update and encouraging post.
This will help so many parents to realise that this confusion about bodies is totally normal for many teenage girls and that playing the long game with gentle talking therapy is the best way forward. You sound like a great parent!

Wonderful to read the update that therapy is helping your daughter! It makes a world of difference, doesn't it.

Wishing you and your daughter every happiness and good health as she continues to navigate her way through it all.

Thanks for the update. It's interesting how much difference for a teen that a year or so of supportive listening and talking can do.
Hope she continues to be helped by therapy.

Thank you @xalo @HiccupHorrendousHaddock @Beamur

I think part of the problem is that so much is happening in your child's life in a short time and it can become overwhelming and maybe the idea of being trans, so prevalent in social media, seems like an obvious explanation for their confused feelings and anxieties.

For parents, also, it can seem overwhelming for your child to want to make drastic changes to their bodies. Trying to understand the language and see both sides of the discussion also feels like a minefield you have to navigate through.