Our 13 year old daughter told us she was trans a few months ago but we haven't discussed it since mainly out of fear!

[BornToRunButQuiteSlowly]

She told us she was trans and we were obviously a bit shocked.
We told her we would love her the same whether she was trans or not.
She asked for a binder a few days later but we managed to convince her that this wasn't a good idea as they can cause harm.
We haven't actually discussed it with her since then as we're afraid that she will ask for a binder again.
I suspect she has body image/puberty issues which are contributing to this. She has very heavy periods which results in some accidents in bed etc.
She has friends but never meets with them outside school. Apart from meals she rarely leaves her bedroom which I know isn't unusual for kids that age.
We need to talk to her but we're not quite sure how to start the conversation. Like many teens she thinks we're idiots who know nothing about their teenage world.
How do we open the conversation... something like
"So this Trans thing you mentioned a few months back ... do you want to have a chat about it?
Any thoughts or suggestions ... or should we leave well enough alone and wait for her to bring it up?

Anyone?

I struggled a lot with body-image issues, impending 'womanhood' and what that meant, and the all-pervasive oppressiveness of male attention at that age. I think that if I was a teenager today, I would definitely want a binder. As it was I did consider whether I might be trans at 18, after meeting trans people online.

There were two things that helped me the most: firstly- taking up martial arts when I was 15. It got me focusing on what I could do with my body, and how I could look after my body to improve my skills, and attain the goal of the next belt, instead of focusing on what my body looked like.

Secondly, books on feminism or by feminist authors. Elaine Morgan, Germaine Greer, bell hooks...

For a girl today, I recommend The Lie Tree by Frances Hardinge. It's a children's/young adult novel about a teenage girl with subtle feminist themes.

Thank you @PurgatoryOfPotholes
I'll get that book.

Your child needs your support above anything. They're relying on your love and support, not your opinions.

Please, listen to their needs, not the opinions of other people.

Thanks

I’d want to know what she is doing in her bedroom all the time. Do you monitor her internet and phone use?

Yes of course you should talk to her, see if you can help her explore what she is thinking and feeling.

The very heavy periods, possibly worth a chat to the GP, and at the very least some better SP to help her deal with leaks.

As a lesbian i'd say many young girls who are lesbian and maybe less interested in a "girly" look might think they are trans due to social media and peer pressure. My wife is what some would call a "butch" lesbian and in the past people have tried to convince her she must be trans. When she was a teen it was rare for someone to identify as a trans man so i can only imagine the amouth of pressure she'd be under if she were a teen now.

I'd maybe try to ask her how she's been feeling/what she's been thinking about herself and the talk you've had a few months ago. Reassurance of your love is very important. Also, avoiding any stereotypes of how women/men should dress, act, what they can do, etc. is very important.

Hope it goes well OP!

Are you monitoring her internet access/usage?

Please talk to her - that’s so long for the poor lamb to go with possibly nobody to talk to - except mad people on the internet who want to push her down dangerous paths with this - you need to take back control of the situation, AND reassure your daughter that you love her.

I love what the poster above said about martial arts - help her learn how strong and powerful her body is, especially if she is dealing with heavy periods and a rapidly changing body etc. Has she developed a lot quickly? It can be horrible to suddenly have this alien woman’s body that you never asked for and to have grown men staring at you. She might just be asking for help to stay a child, not become a man.

Has she ever been assessed for ASD?

Have a look at resources from Transgender Trend and Genspect (an organisation for parents of gender questioning kids), and please have a chat with her - just a conversation opener like you mentioned, and listen to whatever she wants to tell you. Don't just accept all the time alone in her room as normal for kids - it might be but that doesn't mean it's safe or healthy! Does she have unrestricted online access? So much trans grooming happens online, and other types of grooming to be fair. She's going through so much change, she needs her parents as a trusted source of info and reassurance about her changing body, not strangers on the internet. Great suggestions from others about how to help her come to terms with the stress and joy of growing up in her female body

At least your daughter has been open enough to have a discussion with you. I really wish mine would also think she may be Neuro diverse. I would speak to her and really listen to what your DD is saying.

I have a DD 16 who I think maybe a lesbian and maybe in a relationship with her best friend. She doesn’t seem to have any other friends now accept her BF. She wears sports bras all the time, mens clothes, or big baggy tops and hoodies with jeans or joggers, doesn’t wear make up or earrings now and refuses to wear or consider wearing anything cooler even in the heat i.e. dresses, skirts, shorts etc.

@AnyoneEveryone
"Your child needs your support above anything. They're relying on your love and support, not your opinions.

Please, listen to their needs, not the opinions of other people."

Our daughter has our love and support. I'm not sure what you mean by "not our opinions". We have a duty to try and protect our children from making decisions which may cause irreversible harm to their body which they will probably regret later as this is just a phase for many children.
If it's not a phase we will still love and support her as an adult when she can make these decisions for herself.

Not much to add but being in room all day is not good for anyone. I’d be insisting she does some exercise and joins in family chores and stuff and family time. You need to see her and get to know who she is. These chats over washing up about things on news or family life are the best conversations rather than setting up a massive we need talk chats. Can you think of something you can do together maybe evening walk to get fitter?

@CustardyCreams
"I’d want to know what she is doing in her bedroom all the time. Do you monitor her internet and phone use?

Yes of course you should talk to her, see if you can help her explore what she is thinking and feeling.

The very heavy periods, possibly worth a chat to the GP, and at the very least some better SP to help her deal with leaks."

No, we don't monitor her internet and phone use as she is very strong minded and would consider that an invasion of privacy. In many ways I wish the internet didn't exist but it's difficult to put that genie back in the bottle.
Like I said the talking is difficult as it re-opens the conversation around binders etc but it's a nettle we need to grasp.
I had suggested that she might like to talk to a counsellor/therapist which she said she would be happy to do so I might pursue that further.
Obviously we need to be careful in choosing a person who doesn't have an agenda other than exploring her thoughts and feelings.

Re the periods, we have just bought her some period pants which hopefully will help. I'm not sure what a visit to the GP would achieve but it's worth considering.

@Notagain20
Thank you, I'll have a look at those resources.

GP could prescribe tranexamic acid which can help to reduce heavy periods or even put on the contraceptive pill which can mean lighter periods or, if you run packs together, much less frequent periods. Worth considering if the periods are a major issue.

@AnyoneEveryone

Your child needs your support above anything. They're relying on your love and support, not your opinions.

Please, listen to their needs, not the opinions of other people.

Thanks

Why are you thanking the OP?

Her child is 13, of course she needs to listen to the opinions of her parents. Especially when she is spending hours and hours online and asking to wear a binder, with all its known health risks.

@Inthetropics
Thank you. Yeah, she's never been a 'girly' girl. She's had one dress in the last 4/5 years which she wore once and then cut the bottom half off and turned it into a top. However she's always had long hair and never looked butch.
I don't think I'd wish for my children to be gay because being gay means another set of challenges in life but compared to being trans it would be a welcome relief.

Your child needs your support above anything. They're relying on your love and support, not your opinions.

Please, listen to their needs, not the opinions of other people.

I expect AnyoneEveryone is suggesting you don't rely on MN as a balanced resource on this subject. MN is well known for certain posters having a strong anti trans sentiment, and they'll take over any rational discussion about it. As an example, the websites suggested to you are not supportive of transpeople at all, they are transphobic but dressed up in nicer terms.

Talk to your child, they are all that matters here. Don't be distracted by the internet or people with alterior motives.

If your daughter has picked up on your not wanting a child to be gay, that could feed into a belief that she would be more acceptable to you/the world as a boy than a lesbian. Please let her know that you will love her no matter who she might be attracted to, girls or boys! I'm sure you do, but just be careful your fears for a gay child having a hard life dont seep out x

I don't think I'd wish for my children to be gay because being gay means another set of challenges in life but compared to being trans it would be a welcome relief.

I understand how you feel, transpeople face a great deal of irrational hate and barriers in life. But being trans is not a choice. Whether your child is trans or not, it's not something that you have any control over. Give them space to safely explore how they feel.

@astoundedgoat
"I love what the poster above said about martial arts - help her learn how strong and powerful her body is, especially if she is dealing with heavy periods and a rapidly changing body etc. Has she developed a lot quickly? It can be horrible to suddenly have this alien woman’s body that you never asked for and to have grown men staring at you. She might just be asking for help to stay a child, not become a man.

Has she ever been assessed for ASD?"

Re martial arts, unfortunately she has no interest in any sport and tends to look with disdain on anyone who does.
Yes, she has developed a lot over the last couple of years which is the same timeframe that she says she's had these feelings. Yes, it must be difficult to adjust psychologically to the physical changes in your body at that age.
She's never been assessed for ASD as there's never been any suggestion that she has ASD.

No, we don't monitor her internet and phone use as she is very strong minded and would consider that an invasion of privacy.

Errr what? You're the parent - you make the decisions. Monitor her internet use FFS - she's a child. Children need boundaries. Esp at 13.

And staying all day in your room is not healthy, healthy teens spend time with family, friends, sports clubs, youth groups. 24/7 in their rooms with unlimited internet access is awful. For her, and utterly awful parenting.

And you wonder why she's trans. She has a whole new online community offering her love and support as long as she does x, y, z. Which she doesn't have elsewhere.

@HazyDaisy123456
Yes, our daughter wears a baggy hoodie and baggy leggings even in 30 degree heat.

@Akire we try and get her out for walks etc but it is a challenge. We're on holiday at the moment and things are better because we've got nice beaches etc to go for walks in rather than the same parks we've done a hundred times.

@Soverytiredtoday thanks, I didn't know about tranexamic acid., will do some research.

Thanks @Orf1abc, yes I'm aware of the extreme views some on Mumsnet have and I think I can filter those out.
Maybe I didn't use the best words about being trans or being gay. We will accept and love our daughter unconditionally. However we want to give her time and for her to take her time before making any decisions that she may regret later.