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This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

LGBT parents

Do I need to come out as bi to my dh?

15 replies

RainbowSlide · 22/07/2021 05:18

Hi thanks for reading. I've been wondering for as long as I can remember whether I'm bi, as I have been attracted to both men and women, sexually as well as emotionally. I'm happily married to a man, we have two kids, and I don't want that to change. I've messed around with girls before, but never really identified with the word bisexual before. I'm not sure why!

I now think I am bisexual and it helps me in the way I think about myself.

I don't plan to act on it as I'm in a happy relationship, so is there a need for me to "come out" to my husband and others close to me? I wouldn't lie if questioned, but I don't see why I should tell people out of nowhere Is that a common feeling?

OP posts:
juneybean · 22/07/2021 05:22

I wouldn't tell him unless it's going to affect your marriage in some way, presumably you're happily married and have no intentions of meeting other women?

It is a common feeling, I came out at 18 and an older lesbian always told me don't come out until you need to, but we need to do away with the whole concept, some people are gay, some are straight, some are bi, it's of no concern to anyone who anyone is sleeping with haha no one should assume who you sleep with

RainbowSlide · 22/07/2021 05:37

Thanks Juneybean I think I agree, it's really not anyone's business what's on my mind. I feel like we all just need to love who we love and be done with expecting everyone to fit into categories.

OP posts:
Ingvermama · 22/07/2021 14:44

Hi, I am bisexual, I think. I am married with 2 children, my partner doesn't know.
I want to tell him because I would love to attend Pride, wear a Pride badge, and basically not hide a part of me from him.
I don't want to have a relationship with a woman right now because that would be unfaithful.
I am going to tell my husband as I think it's affecting my mental health because I haven't.

joystir59 · 22/07/2021 14:48

Being married is a living ongoing process of growth and development based on deepening trust and openness. It isn't static. If there are important aspects of yourself that you are uncomfortable sharing, then you are perhaps limiting the possibilities for your relationship to progress.

joystir59 · 22/07/2021 14:51

Being bisexual means that you can be sexually attracted to people of either sex. It does not describe someone who is in a heterosexual relationship but hankering to have sex with someone of their own sex, in other words someone who is basically coming out as gay to themselves. Being bisexual does not mean that you wish to have your cake and eat it.

RainbowSlide · 23/07/2021 02:56

Joystir59 I agree with your first comment, which I guess was why I was asking. On one hand it feels inauthentic to know something about myself but not share it with my closest person, but on the other it feels like it's a bit of a non event as I'm not suggesting I act on it, and it wouldn't change our day to day lives together. I don't think I agree that being bisexual can't be when you come out to yourself. I'm not talking about a hankering for the chance to try out sex with a woman, it's a deeper and longer lasting feeling that I can and have had feelings for both men and women. I don't think I need to have had a girlfriend or relationship to validate those feelings.

Ingvermama thanks for sharing. What made you come to the realisation yourself? Was it a specific event, or an ongoing sense that there's more to your feelings? Will you have a casual chat with dh, how do you think it'll go?

OP posts:
Ingvermama · 23/07/2021 09:07

Rainbow 🌈 I will chat to my husband. I will basically say I need to tell him something important but i don't want anything to change. I'll say he is my favourite person and I picked him from the whole population as I am bisexual. I'm not sure what his response will be, I want to tell him soon as I feel really strongly about this. Our daughter is a lesbian and he is fine about this although he has said to me a few times he'd rather she wasn't, and we shouldnt encourage her with books such as "this book is gay", lesbian fiction etc (like that will change her in some way!)

I have always known, I have always fancied women and been turned on by women, as well as men. When I was a teenager in the late 80s this wasn't a good thing for me, I didn't know what it meant, so I put it to the back of my head, but I didn't have many boyfriends, I got chatted up lots by men but always made excuses, I had no interest. My husband came in the scene when I was 31 and I fell in love. However throughout this time I still knew my eyes were drawn to women on the street. When my daughter came out I was so excited for her and pleased she felt able to freely talk about it with me. Over lockdown I have been having some mental health problems and had some counselling and cbt, this has helped me lots and made it clear I need to be honest about myself to myself and my partner in order to live a happy life. I dont need anything to change otherwise.
I have thought about having a relationship with a woman, and if my husband left me or something happened and we weren't together anymore, I would want to have a long term relationship with a woman. I have a friend who is definitely a gay ally and she has had same sex relationships, although now has a male partner, I am going to ask her if I can talk to her about it, after I have told my partner.
What do you think you will do OP and what do you think of what I'm saying?

Ingvermama · 23/07/2021 09:20

Also, I'm not sure my husband will be surprised, I don't dress like most straight girls and I don't wear make up, I basically wear dungarees and converse and have unruly hair in a long Bob!

Ingvermama · 23/07/2021 09:24

Uh, me again. It doesn't sound like you have a burning desire to tell people and come out of the closet. I feel I need to very much. There is a website called Empty Closets I have joined, it's really good, it's like Mumsnet for the LGBT community! Winkyou can browse without joining, I'd recommend it very much.

Ingvermama · 24/07/2021 10:04

I came out last night to my DH. He was absolutely fine about it, asked me which women I fancied and had I done anything lesbian before Hmm.
What I feel is a great sense of relief and like I'm me a bit more.
I said I didn't want anything to change in our relationship, but I wanted him to know who I am.

MrsSquirrel · 24/07/2021 10:20

That sounds really positive @Ingvermama Flowers

Ingvermama · 24/07/2021 10:31

Yes, it is an amazing step for me, I wish I had done it long ago. πŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆπŸ’—πŸ’œπŸ’™πŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆπŸ˜€

sailmeaway · 28/07/2021 09:57

Depends, would you feel like you're hiding an important part of yourself? If so, I would consider talking to DH. You can still be part of the LGBTQ community married to a man, go to Pride etc. If you want become involved on the community you might want to tell him.

Ingvermama · 28/07/2021 19:08

Sailmeaway this is why I needed to come out. I want to be a visible member of the LGBTQ community so telling my husband was important. I can't wait to go to Pride Smile

Applesandpears23 · 28/07/2021 19:14

I was out as bi before I met my partner. It means I can be myself and we both enjoy commenting on actors/actresses we think are attractive.

I also tell my children that they may decide to live with a man or a woman (or neither) when they are adults. They know their Dad used to be married before and if it comes up I will mention I have dated both sexes. They are still a bit young to really believe we existed before they were born.

So basically yes there is a point to coming out if you want to.

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