Family

[Cliff1975]

Ok so I am going to be really honest and I want your honest opinion back please. I wasn't sure whether to put this in the relationship section but the root of it is in this section so here goes. We have three children and the eldest is 18 and a gay boy. He is happy , away at uni got his first proper boyfriend. We first thought he might be gay when he was 13 and he came out by writing me a beautiful letter at 15. The thing is the effect on the family has been huge and I am just about broken. His brother and sister have been fine with it, more than fine really good as have his friends and most of the family. Mt husband, his dad says he accepts it but is really struggling with it if he is honest. My parents are all good with it but the other grandparents have been very difficult and said some horrible things. The thing is my son and husband love them dearly and say things like, well they are ollder. I just feel like I have to carry all of this whilst they live a lif e in their bubble, sheltered from all the stress. My husband at the end of the day thinks it is wrong and basically my fault. He doesn't say that but he is horrible to me and I know that is what it is about really. We haven't touched each other for about 2 years and all intimacy has gone. Im rambling I know. I just feel that I sort everything out and carry the weight of it all whilst he takes credit for all the 'good 'things. I feel like they choose which parts of my son they will love and that is not fair. i feel broken. I just don't know what to do- any advice greatly appreciated. The other two children are 12 and 15 . I feel like all the joy has gone from our lives - nothing to do with my son - he is amazing and I am so proud of him- but that is where it started if that makes sense?

That sounds awful - I'm so, so sorry your husband and family are being such unpleasant bigots. I don't have any real advice as my DD is still tiny. You might get more if you post in LGBT children, which is more for parents of gay children than for gay parents? (Plus this section is pretty quiet).

Is your husband getting, or willing to get, any counselling? This just sounds far too big for you to deal with on your own and the way he is behaving is just plain cruel. Even if being gay were something that could be 'caused' it would be so wrong to blame you for it.

I too came on to say I'm sorry you're going through this. It's definitely not all on you to resolve this, I took from your OP that there is blame and it's sort of up to you somehow to sort this out. It's not, but understandably it's how you feel.

I'm very positive about counselling and would hope that might be an option, if not for you both or him on his own then maybe for yourself?

I wonder what is at the root of him thinking it is 'wrong', if it comes from something he is disgusted by or whether it's about worrying for your son's future and how he might have a family, be on the receiving end of homophobia? Does he have any religions leanings or was raised to think it is 'wrong'? You mentioned your in laws so that's what made me think it could be a family view he was raised with?

I also wonder if this is being used as a stick to beat you with, if ultimately it's a symptom not a cause, if you see what I mean?

Sorry - all of this is horrible for you, but your children appear to being fine and doing well so you're doing a good job. But your husband, their Dad, needs to explore what it is he is feeling. You are not responsible for someone else's reaction. He is an adult.