I’m married but I’m gay

[pullingtaffy]

I’ve been married for 16 years, we have two dc. I was married quite young and have only ever been with dh. I’ve always thought I was bi but as I’ve grown older it’s become more like I’m gay.
Dh and I rarely have sex (like once in five years), not just me - he never instigates either, we don’t do anything together either. We just about co parent but dh actually spends little time with the children generally. Increasingly I’ve felt dissatisfied and unhappy, I’ve never been happy really.
I’ve met a woman and fallen head over heels. She feels the same way. I know this isn’t great by the way, but I would ask you to appreciate that not all situations are as black and white as we’d like them to be.
Ultimately I want to fuck up people’s lives as little as possible. This is going to fuck up dh’s life, the children’s lives, my parents’ lives (they will he horrified) but it’s that or continue to live a lie. It would be so much easier to keep living a lie but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to do so.
I feel so fraught with it all I’ve considered just taking an overdose. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I’m an adult and these feelings are just overwhelming - I’m not a teenager when this should have happened. I have so many people I love and I don’t know how to navigate this without hurting them all. Would the children ever understand if I left my marriage and at some point ended up in a relationship with a woman? Dh will be devastated. He doesn’t really agree with being gay, he isn’t very kind about people who are. How would we ever get to a place where he wouldn’t hate me? We’d never ge to that place and I can’t really blame him but the children will be caught in the middle.

All the people who I’d usually ask to help me I can’t because no one is going to approve. I’m just completely on my own.

Oh love. I think whatever happens you need to end your marriage. Nobody should live this way. It’s not fair on you, and it’s not fair on your children, who will look to you to model the idea of a healthy relationship. Would you be happy with them ended up in a marriage like yours? I expect you’d want more for them? Well then, it’s ok to want more for yourself, too.

I feel bad for dh. Yes - it’s not great but lots of people stay in relationships that aren’t great. It’s not all been dreadful. I’m not who I was when I got married - I was too young and I’ve changed so much since I was 19/20.

It’s just such a scary thought, being on my own - because realistically I could end up completely on my own given my parents won’t be happy either. Like totally alone.

You can’t live your life totally for others...imagine 20 years down the line, kids are gone and you’re sat in the house with DH, how does that sound? It’s not going to be easy to leave, but it’s that option or you sacrifice your life. Good luck op

The other issue is I’m a sahm so financially dependent on dh although I’m working towards paid employment hopefully when dc2 goes to school.
How awful is it to break someone’s heart and then expect them to share half of everything with you? I wish wish wish I was financially independent so I didn’t feel that I was leaving dh and then stealing from him. Half the house etc. I would take as little as possible but I don’t feel great taking any of it.

You need to end your marriage because it's a lie.
I'm asexual and have been married twice. Both marriages were a huge lie and hurt both of us. I now live on my own and I'm living my best life.
Nobody approves, I don't give a shit.
You only have one life so don't waste it. Your husband will be free to find a new partner and your children will get used to it.

How old are the DCs? A friend of ours left her DH and dcs last year for a woman half her age. The dcs were 11 and 9 and were utterly devistated. They were teased at school and unhappy at home.

I appreciate your circumstances may be different as she decided to live in a caravan and travel the world to "find herself" so much of the distress has nothing to do with the my friend coming out as a lesbian, but please do not underestimate the hurt the children will feel.

Leave husband because you are lying to him and leading a double life. Get work. Enjoy your life.

Four and eight.
I wouldn’t leave them. I wouldn’t jump straight (great choice of wording) into something with someone else - I certainly wouldn’t leave them and go round the world to find myself.

I wouldn’t jump straight (great choice of wording) into something with someone else

Yet your OP suggested you have done just that..

I’ve met a woman and fallen head over heels. She feels the same way.

Sorry I meant to add, there is no need for cheating in a relationship - same sex doesn't make a difference. You end things if it isn't working. This 'it's not all black and white' is just a way to ease your conscience.

No. It isn’t black and white. I didn’t expect this to happen.
I wouldn’t jump into introducing her to the children etc - I wouldn’t even tell them, I’d take it very very slowly. Although no doubt dh would tell them about their d*ke mother, which is his preferred term for lesbians.

Not entirely sure how to best way to approach this is but you definitely need to get a divorce and you also need to be happy!
You'll massively regret staying in an unhappy marriage. And although it will obviously hurt people, it'll hurt those closest to you more if they knew how unhappy you were. Not much help but please make a decision that in decades time you'll be proud of!

If you haven't had sex in five years, the relationship isn't working anyway. Your kids are old enough that you could separate, explain it to them and co parent.

Sort out separating and finding work, take a hiatus from the other woman in the mean time. Get yourself ready to leave, maybe a couple of months salary under your belt, then tell him- and go. Then give it a good six months before dating the new woman. At least publically.

I’ve tried asking dh if he’s happy - because would most men live in a sexless relationship for that long? He says he is.
It feels too intimate to kiss or even hug nowadays. It feels too intimate to talk about much apart from the children or the news.

Well for a start if your husband is a homophobe then that's his problem, regardless of your sexual orientation. Secondly your marriage sounds like it's over anyway so I think you should bite the bullet and leave, it might be complicated and difficult for some time but you will be so much happier eventually.

OP, I was in a similar position 15 years ago (also got married young as being gay wasn't an option with my parents and where I grew up).

Definitely be true to yourself and leave your husband. You owe him honesty and the chance to find happiness with someone who finds him attractive sexually, and you owe yourself the chance to find happiness too.

There's no reason it has to be a massive scandal and if I were you, I would make it clear to DH that this is about your sexuality and not about having met someone else. It's no-one else's business who you fancy so all your parents or anyone else really needs to know is that you're separating.

I would take things step by step for the sake of the DC as you don't want loads of mudslinging within their earshot, especially given all the homophobia around them. The less you tell people, the less chance they'll hurt your DC with their homophobia.

I wonder if your DH is gay too. Its not unheard of for gay people who are struggling with their feelings to be homophobic

If I was in your situation, I'd leave your husband and try to stabilise your kids into a single parent family. You don't need to tell your husband that you are a lesbian if you are uncomfortable with him knowing that, just say that you don't think the relationship is working. See if the relationship with the woman is working without interfering with yours& your kids life, and then introduced them to her when you feel the time is right.

The situation is a tough one, but you can't live your life how your parents want you to.

How’s it going taffy? Hope you’re ok.

Hey, any update on how you are doing and what your situation is? Maybe I can help x

Cut yourself some slack!

Don't take an over dose.

Women are railroaded in to marriage. Does your husband suspect do you think? Sounds like he's checked out a long time ago and he no longer has any expectations so don't berate yourself too much. There's just no point.

Would your DH agree to a open marriage so you can be with the OW but still remain a family?

If not then it’s that or split up really.

Hi - thanks for checking in on me.
Not much has changed really, covid has made things much more difficult in terms of being able to leave.
I don’t know if my husband suspects or not. I think he knows I’m not settled and that something has changed.
I feel hopelessly stuck. I know what the right thing to do is, I just don’t want to do it.