Invisible Lesbian #LesbianDayOfVisibility

[invisiblelesbian]

#LesbianDayOfVisibility

I am an invisible lesbian.

I truly hope cases like mine are rare. But here I am. Age 44. Still in the closet and unlikely to come out any time soon.

I'm autistic. I work in software. I cope pretty well with life so long as I can get the hang of the rules. My mum is probably also autistic but I don't expect she'll ever choose to be assessed. She was also keen on rules and among those she instilled in me were: "Don't have sex before marriage". " Find a nice man and settle down".

Away from home at university I was part of an evangelical christian church. Worried about my agnosticism about the actual existence of God but the firm rules of right and wrong, good and evil, appealed to my need for rules in an otherwise confusing world. They were very firm about the evils of homosexuality. The LGB rep for my college was called Martha and had a smile that made me want to cry - and that terrified me. I avoided her because it was so confusing to see her.

And so - yeah I met a nice man. We enjoyed the same sci fi shows and other geeky hobbies. We didn't have sex. We enjoyed spending time together. We got married the summer I graduated.

Our attempts at sex were pretty much a disaster. I really didn't like it. We tried a handful of times on honeymoon and then basically gave up (he's a genuinely good man and has no interest in sex without enthusiastic consent) we read books about how to have a good sex life. Yeah we were supposed to share our fantasies. Not much to share - all my fantasies were basically "third person" imagining a man and a woman (not me) having sex in fairly vanilla ways - I hid even from myself that in these fantasies I identified with the man in the scene, making love with a woman. I had psychosexual counselling. Didn't help much. I had more counselling with a different therapist. I speculated that I might actually be a man trapped in a female body but the counsellor asked some probing questions to help me explore that possibility and I concluded that I had no way of knowing what it actually feels like to be a man, all I knew was how it feels to be me. I needed to work out how to be me.

Years passed, and my husband and I decided we wanted a child and agreed that we wanted to establish sufficient sex life to make this possible. We invested time and effort into working out when I would be most fertile. The sex didn't have to be great, we were doing it for a different reason. Thankfully I got pregnant the very first month of trying. My son is fantastic and my joy - but the first few years of parenting were tough. A couple of years later and I wanted a second child but my husband was in the grip of a deep clinical depression and couldn't bear the idea of bringing another new life into the world to suffer. A few years later his mental health improved and we embarked on a somewhat clinical process of strictly timed sex for conception purposes. Which ended in miscarriage, more depression, and eventually giving up.

It was a couple of years after that when I got my autism diagnosis and started reassessing my life in the context of this new self-understanding. I realised I am a lesbian.

But I haven't come out. I look like a heterosexual woman to all. I am ashamed to admit that I fantasise about the day my husband gets fed up and leaves (unlikely - his ongoing depression probably makes him think he doesn't deserve the happiness of an actually fulfilling relationship) or tragically dies (I do actually love him - as a friend. I don't want him dead) and I could be free to find the woman of my dreams (I'm sure Martha is happily married to the woman of her dreams by now). I have an online identity as a lesbian and can share openly with other women online but the closet door is firmly shut in real life. I haven't had sex with my husband for 5 years now. I never will again.

My son is having some problematic behavioural, social and academic difficulties. I need to focus on his wellbeing. His wellbeing would not be at all helped by his mum coming out as a lesbian and breaking up his stable home. Maybe when he is older and more settled I will have the freedom to think about my own wellbeing. Until then I shall remain an invisible lesbian.

I don't visit this section much so didn't see this until now.

Just wanted you to know you're not invisible to me.

I'm also autistic,also lesbian, also ended up in a pointless relationship with a man as I thought I was meant to do that. It ended 7 years ago now and i'm living a much more authentic life.
My children have been fine with the change.
Their friends come to visit.
Its absolutely no big deal at all that I'm a lesbian to them.

Your post is heartbreaking. Send me a private message, if you would like to chat. I think you need a friend.

I'm 37 I'm bisexual. I was in a civil partnership with my ex but after 9 years I had to leave her her sex drive was so low... I don't know how you or your husband manage a sex less relationship.

I almost immediately bumped into a crush I had in primary school... Which was on a different continent, 18 years later. Somehow we both found one another so far from where we started. I married him and 8 years later we are happy with an amazing little boy, who as it turns out is the real love of my life!

I totally understand not wanting to disrupt your sons life. Have you considered though, both your unhappiness might add to some of his problematic behaviours? Perhaps seeing his parents happy, even apart, might be good for him? The day my parents divorced was a happy one for me... Not at the time of the initial split obviously, but within months I realized they were better apart than together. I was 11.

I really, really hope you find your happiness. Maybe Martha has found Mrs right, but maybe your Mrs right is closer than you think. Just waiting for you. Well to be honest, I'd strongly reccomend you go out and meet hundreds of Mrs wrongs first and thoroughly enjoy yourself before settling down with her.

Seriously though, give it a good long think. Think about changing your life. Life is short and everyone deserves happiness. Your son will thrive seeing his parents happy, I'm sure of it.

Come back and post, talking about it will help.

Thank you both for replying. I was half-expecting negative responses telling me I have no right to consider myself a lesbian because of my cushy home set-up where I "pass" as mainstream.

I'm more worried about the idea of coming out to my son than anyone else. As far as he is concerned his parents are in a stable, permanent relationship. He has so many anxieties about every kind of possible but unlikely disaster (war, illness, fire, flood, earthquake) - he's getting councelling for that. Some of his friends have parents who have split up and the idea of parental divorce went on the list of things to be worried about for a while. And I genuinely wish we hadn't been so reassuring on that one. One of his "irrational fears" coming true will be really unhelpful. And it will mean he is quite rightfully distrustful of any advice or information I give him regarding sex & relationship education. Who would trust anything I say on the subject, given how royally I have mucked-up my own life (and incidentally DH's)?

I'm wondering if I need to pay for some professional counselling myself to work through all this. But writing about it here is helpful too. Thank you.

Well I understand that. My son is my everything and I would willingly sacrifice my own happiness for him. Usually I say kids are resilient and all that, although in your situation I don't think that applies.

Well kids grow up fast. In a few years he'll l be out in the world living his own life and your divorce won't hit him as hard.

You could consider having this conversation with your DH.... Agree to keep pretending for your sons sake and you can both be free to pursue happiness elsewhere? How do you think he would take that?

I have never had counselling myself but I am totally for it, if you are able to, then definitely do it. And keep talking to us.

Coming out today is not as bad as it use to be. Society are more accepting. In fact this generation have it so easy a lot of the older folks are like I went through hell so you don't have to. It's not perfect, there's still a long ways to go, but it's so much better.

I think you need to make a new friend. Someone you can be yourself around.

Oh BTW, you said about expecting negativity for living a lie... I can't believe any half decent person would ever hold that against you!!

Discovering your sexuality is scary and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself xxxx

Your post made me so sad to read. I just want to offer you a different point of view.

I am 43. I married a man in my 20s and had 2 DC with him. Like you, we almost never had sex apart from to conceive the DC. We divorced after 5 years of marriage (not because of my sexuality, which at that point I had not even admitted to myself).

After a long time alone, when my DC were about 10 and 12, I met an amazing woman. We quickly fell in love and I knew I would have to come out. I was most worried about telling the DC - worried about bullying at school etc. When I did tell them, they were completely unfazed. They were just like "oh, OK, that's cool, what's for dinner?" I think being gay is much less of a "thing" for the younger generation. Trans is the "thing" for them.

My parents were another matter and we didn't speak for months. However, everyone came round in the end and DW and I are now married and have a baby of our own. I couldn't be happier. If you'd told me a decade ago that this would be my life now, I would not have believed it.

Your son has 2 parents who will continue to love him, and may even continue to be friends even if you split up. Life is short, and you and your DH deserve to feel real love. Don't close yourself off to the idea.