Non-birth mum and being treated as second best.

[SarahAndQuack]

I know this section is often a bit quiet, but I could really, really do with some help from anyone who gets this. I have lots of lovely straight friends, but I'm really lacking in other lesbian mums to talk to. Those we know who have children are mostly in a different situation (either they adopted together, or they have children from previous relationships).

I'm a non-birth mum to my DD who is 2. My DP is her biological mum. We've had huge problems with DP's family, especially her mum, who is (frankly) awful and constantly undermines both of us, but especially me. Lots of calling me 'auntie' and pretending it was a slip of the tongue and lots of nasty comments otherwise.

My real difficulty is related to this (in that I see where it comes from as a family dynamic in my DP's family), but my DP is actually pretty unsupportive. I feel really sad writing this. She was excited to get pregnant but found pregnancy unexpectedly hard, and she had a horrible labour and PND. I did and do feel very sympathetic, but I also feel as if one result has been that she treats me as less of a mum than her. She'll never stick up for me to her family, and she routinely does little things that undermine me, like going against a decision we made about our DD, or simply ignoring my perspective. She will always be the one to hold DD, pick her up, etc., and that becomes self-reinforcing, in that now, if I am with DP and try to pick up my DD, she'll reach out for my DP instead. When we're alone together, DD is just fine and very affectionate (I'm the SAHP).

I'm finding it increasingly hurtful and hard to cope with.

Would you con havi a baby of your own?

Excuse me?

Would you consider having a baby of your own?

Are you serious? Have you read the post? This is HER child. Just because she didn't carry her or give birth to her, it's her child.

If you don't understand that, then maybe you shouldn't be on this thread.

OP - I am sorry to read your post, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be constantly undermined by her family and even her sometimes .

What communications have you had as a couple about this? She may not even realise she is doing it.

I just want to start by saying I mean no offence by what I'm about to say - your situation sounds very much like a male and female parental relationship. The birth mother is the one that the child mainly seeks comfort from etc in most parental relationships. Rather than focusing on support from lesbian couples could you also seek support from fathers also? My partner found it difficult that my child always cried for me however I think the bond of a birth mother and their child is always stronger when they are little. This does change once they get older but a birth mother can provide comfort another can't.

Secondly, your MIL sounds awful and your partner is unreasonable to back you up.

From an outsider it does sound like your partner doesn't consider your feelings.

The OP does have a baby, well toddler of her own!

This came up on active so sorry if I’m butting in. It’s normal for very young children to show a preference for their primary carer. We found my DD became better at reaching out the DH when she needed something after they started spending more alone time together. He tries to take her for half a day at the weekend for just them to do something together.

Have you spoken to your DP about feeling pushed out? It may not be anything to do with her family but more to do with her early experiences of motherhood.

@hollow that's the very point of the problem. This is a baby of her own but not seen that way.

OP they often go through phases of preference and reaching for you DP could be that. Or it could be that you are the SAHP.

Everything you describe could be the same for a mum and a dad. Undermining, not standing up to MIL. Not the calling you aunty. That's just ridiculous.

What I am saying is, you sound like a brilliant mum. That's not diminished by you not being a birth mother. You know that. Your DC knows that. I hope your partner knows that.

Thanks, snowflake, I really appreciate you saying that.

We've talked about this endlessly. She invariably says she didn't realise she was doing anything, but I feel as if I'm always patiently explaining that these things get me down. hollow's comment is actually a pretty good illustration of the usual sort of things people say, and I try to explain to my DP that things that might seem unimportant to her loom quite large for me, because I'm always hearing people implying that DD isn't really mine.

She already has a child

Sorry you are going through this Op. I don’t have much experience with this, except my dh had a similar issue with our dd and I know how hard he found it. I know it upset him a lot. That said, now she’s 10, she thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

As for your dw it sounds like you need to sit down and talk to her. She needs to back you up with your mil

I only commented on this as it was on active.

It may just be a phase that DD is going through. What's the routine like? Could you maybe take over bath times or bed times solo? Set aside a part of the day that's just for you and her? Whilst your DP does something else?

Again like another poster said, this is what my friend did when her husband felt a bit pushed away and it seemed to really help alot. And gave her some time to unwind from the day.

Sorry for the ignorance in this world.

I think Hollow is spectacularly missing the point.

I’m not in your situation so I’m sorry not to be able to give you a very relevant perspective. What I can say is that toddlers often favour the parent not at home - and that your partner may encourage this because it’s easy to feel insecure not being the SAHP too - esp if she had PND. But obviously, despite doing the day to day care, your partner’s mum doesn’t view you as your DD’s real parent which is shit and sounds like your partner may subconsciously/consciously share this view.......you need to thrash this out. Presumably you both chose to create this child and are raising her together so your partner feeling that completely undermined you. Counselling??

As with a previous poster, I am here as it was on active threads.

Did your DP receive any type of help for her PND? If not, she could be worried about her own level of attachment to your child (especially if she is working and you are home during the day) and overcompensating. Have you spoken to her about the way you are feeling?

chocolate - YY, it could be that, but I am not sure it is. DP and I were both at home with the baby, we both did night wake ups and so on, and I've always been either the SAHP or we've shared being home (with me at home more days, incidentally). I know SAHPs of both genders who say that if you are the main carer, you sometimes find your toddler will be a bit bored of you by the end of the day and delighted to see the WOHP back, and I can believe it's that!

(Oh, and I know some dads at SAHPs, but not so often and I don't think i know any.)

That also answers jack's question about the primary carer (and crikey, threads on here never come up on active!).

The main thing that sticks out here is the your dp herself is unsupportive. You need to sit down and have an open chat about how you're feeling.

The auntie comment is unacceptable and I would repeat 'I'm not her auntie I'm her mum' everytime it's used until it sinks in.

Sorry, cross post.

snowflake, that is a really good idea about alone time. The difficult thing is that I'm currently trying very hard to finish writing a book which (fingers crossed) will help me get back into full-time employment, and I do that in the evenings when DP is home. I think we've settled into a pattern where DP does more of the evening routine (bath and bed), because of that. I do have time with DD on my own during the day, but obviously not when DP is around, and perhaps that's part of it.

1sttime - no, she really didn't get any help, and I think that must be part of the problem. I thought she had PND early on, and tried to raise it with the HV, who was a total arse (sorry, but true). Then I got DP to go to her GP, but she came back triumphantly saying the GP had asked her some questions and said she didn't have PND. Months later she came round to saying she thought she had had it, but she won't seek help. It is very hard to get her to find any support, official or otherwise.

I can’t believe her family are calling you her auntie, you really need to talk to your partner about it so that she understands how you’re feeling

noone, I've had loads of open chats.

I just don't know if anyone else is in the same boat, or how they dealt with it.

I can't seem to get across to DP how much it hurts me, or why - I was hoping if maybe someone else had been through this, they'd have some ideas.

I agree that what you’ve described is a parenting thing, not a lesbian parenting thing.

Can I be honest? When they were tiny I DID see them as more mine than DH’s
I’d grown them, given birth to them, had to physically recover from them, breastfed them and was biologically bonded to them in a way he wasn’t. It’s not that they weren’t his children, but it just wasn’t the same. That lessened as they got older, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t there.

I remember your previous thread, you have a DP problem

Do you think your DP is 100% committed to you?

pottering, you can be honest if I can?

I can see why a bio mum would feel they were more hers, even if that's painful. So that doesn't bother me.

But, no, it is a lesbian parenting thing. Your DP (I am guessing) does not have to put up with people constantly suggesting 'why don't you have one of your own,' or with people calling him 'uncle'. I imagine it's uncommon people ask 'why didn't you give birth, then?' or 'didn't you want to be pregnant?'

There's a wider context to why it is upsetting to feel unsupported by my partner and her family, and it's that there's already a cultural presumption that a non-bio mum in a lesbian relationship isn't really a proper mum.

I hope that makes sense!

Brutally is it possible that she doesn't understand because that is how she feels deep down?

Lots of mums feel this way about dads and it's sadly socially acceptable. Heard a conversation in the office today about how DHs wouldn't cope with their own children if left alone for an extended period of time.

Hopefully there will be someone who has had experience of this that can help. Me and DW have no children.

I think you have to pull up your mil every single time she does this. I would ask her to leave your home if she cannot be respectful. This is a deal breaker situation for me - your dp owes you her full support and if this was me, I'd rather separate and co parent than be in a relationship where I was constantly undermined.
Would your dp agree to relationship counselling?

I do, random, I do. Have that problem, I mean.

On my more pessimistic days I think DP just reckons this is a cushy life for her. On my more optimistic (!) ones, I think she's got so utterly messed up by her family and the PND that she simply makes life miserable for me as a way of spreading the pain.

Sorry just seen that mentioned before up thread.

Could you persuade DP to do some counselling/therapy?

Sorry, I meant the preferring one parent was a parenting thing. I didn’t make that clear. Sorry